For the moments when you find Hetalia fanfiction which is either terribly written, extremely OOC, or just plain bad.

Indeed, we review Hetalia fanfiction that, well... Needs reviewing.
(If you want to submit something you found, or want to add comments, feel free to submit! :D)

DISCLAIMER: Don't like what we have to say? Sucks to be you. You put something up on the internet, and you've put it for everyone to see, you've pretty much given us the right to critique it.

27th August 2014

Photoset reblogged from Sockseevil: Silly Feminist Child living in Britain with 20 notes

sockseevil:

How does my face even work
This shit was taken minutes after one another

It’s like BAM HEY FINNY FUCK A WILD DOITSU APPEARED

FUCKING ANDROGINY

Tagged: mod socks is a gay nerdyes this blog is activeWe're just busynew mods are being trialled

29th June 2014

Video with 6 notes

Mod Socks gives you top 5 tips for fanfiction.

This is what I have become. I am awful.

29th June 2014

Video reblogged from Sockseevil: Silly Feminist Child living in Britain with 4 notes

sockseevil:

A vlog in which yours truly discusses Light I’magay Yagami and other weaboo shit

Shameful plug is shameful. Go and watch this channel. There’s some fanfiction based tutorials and stupid weekly vlogs.

Tagged: sockseevilfanfictionvloggingvlogger

28th June 2014

Question with 4 notes

Anonymous said: Is it weird that I sort of want to submit one of my own fics here? I mean, I like to think that I'm a decent author, but getting my fanfic critiqued by someone (or some group of people? I don't know) that not only knows what they're talking about, but also says shit clearly and bluntly and, complete disclosure, in a pretty amusing way would be totally rad.

Do as you wish. We work as more of an entertainment kind of shindig in which we tear apart things which are hilariously bad. That’s the reason we usually abstain from trollfics written and usually the REALLY GOOD fan fiction. It just wouldn’t be entertaining for our readers to see us get into a troll or shock fic because we would have to take it completely seriously and remove our typical critical thinking caps to read something which was clearly written to piss people off or make them laugh, which clearly is achieved already.

For really good fanfiction, it’s an easier job to review, but that’s the thing. There’s not much to pick apart. Say you gave me George DeVailer’s ‘Auf wiedersehen, sweetheart’ to tear into. Maybe I’m personally an awful critic for it, but besides some misaccuracies on historical detail and contrivances in plot, there really isn’t much else to say about it other than to celebrate it for what it’s worth and at the moment, I can’t translate my celebration into something that people will be entertained by. Though, you must understand, I am working on that and trying to get better as a critic altogether. Maybe I’ll do a ‘decent fanfic of the month’ segment.

I’m an analyst. I like picking things apart, like ‘why character A does something and it works or doesn’t work’. And I love what I do on this blog. If I have the time, I’ll review whatever is sent to me. There’s about ten reviews in drafts I need to finetune before putting out which is why these reviews take a while before coming out. But I digress.

All in all, send whatever you want to. I might do it. Though, there’s usually a bigger chance of me buckling down to it if the author has a ‘holier than thou’ (*COUGH* WEIGHT *COUGH* No, seriously. We continued partly because of the author’s attitude to criticism) attitude and if it’s meant to be good but just isn’t (again, ‘weight’. It had potential if the author took better care of implications, character motives, characterisation, proofreading, plot, incorporating themes and actual plot substance. IT HAD A CHANCE WHICH IS WHY IT PISSED US ALL OFF BACK WHEN THE ORIGINAL TWO CRITICS WERE ALIVE).

Keep writing and submitting if you want to. Regardless of whether we criticise your work or not, the more you keep at it with an open mind to learning from your shortcomings, the more amazing you will be.

Tl; dr: Sure. I’m also not that big of an asshole.

24th June 2014

Question with 2 notes

Anonymous said: OH GOD, FORGET ANYTHING BAD I SAID ABOUT YOU GUYS. 'WEIGHT' MAKES MY EYES BLEED. You were completely right on all points, that's not America. That's not America at all! Or England for that matter! Everyone's so fucking OOC! Every. Chapter. I'm slowly dying on the inside. I'm usually rational about things like this, but what was the author thinking?! I'm not American but I'm embarrassed for those people! France isn't that mean-spirited! England isn't a goddamn chubby chaser! *tears hair out*

Hahah, your previous statements made me laugh, but it’s good to know you take them back. The writing is alright, it’s just the characterisation and the implication such a thing serves that was what I was most angered by. The ‘pranks’ made no sense and England’s portrayal made me sick to my stomach. I believe in free speech and all, but I can’t help but to be happy it was put down. 

24th June 2014

Post with 21 notes

Review: Cupcake Mirror (A 2P Fanfic. I hate these as much as Indiana Jones hates snakes)

I… I have nothing to say. 

This. This atrocity was a submission. Perhaps the fanfic critic Gods have finally forsaken me and my hatred of 2P. Which is odd, as I once wrote a fairly popular portrayal of 2P England.

For your information, I hate not the concept of ‘Oliver’ or the rest of the 2P crew, but instead the portrayal. Somehow this fanbase has literally ruined him for me. 

And this? This just manages to showcase everything terrible and awful.

It was just another day and the Allied Forces were holding a meeting to discuss another master plan to take down the Axis Powers.

You can’t just do this.

You can’t just write historical fiction and expect us to follow along.

If it’s historical fiction, we need a more concrete setting. Maybe nothing too glamorous or descriptive, but even something along the lines of ‘The time was WWII’ would set us up slightly better. Otherwise, this is incredibly amateurish. 

"Now if we can find a way to genetically enhance a chicken to breath fire and shoot laser beams we will be sure to win," America explained proudly as he pointed out his ‘well drawn’ mega chicken breathing fire and laser beams shooting out of its eye’s. Everyone in the room was dead silent and had plain expressions.

Great. We’re getting our characterisation from the first bloody episode. Alright, I won’t crack down on this too much as it’s a subjective portrayal, but there are reasons why basing your characterisation of any character EVER is a terrible idea in fics.

First of all, in the first episode of any show at all, whether it be written by Danny Boyle or your five year old neighbor, the character traits of all featured characters will be deliberately exagerrated. It’s to allow actors or authors to begin to flesh them out and is thus the reason why they always seem far different at the end of the show. That’s what you’re trying to achieve, and such characterisation undermines all efforts of a writer for character growth. It’s offensive to their work, and if you watched hetalia and how you picked up Alfred in the end or wherever you are now as he was shown in the beginning, you look dumb. You look horribly unperceptive and stupid.

Furthermore, why is everyone dead silent? It’s a dumb as shit idea. 

ALSO, GUYS? YOU’RE KIND OF IN WW2. YOU MIGHT WANT TO POSSIBLY THINK OF WORKABLE SOLUTIONS TO THINGS. I KNOW THESE KIND OF IDEAS APPEARED IN EPISODE ONE BUT THEY WERE CLEARLY NOT EXPERIENCING A WORLD WAR. 

THERE’S SOME PRESSURE TO ACT PROPERLY HERE.

"Where would we get the chicken from?" China broke the silence.

"Out of all of that your only question is ‘Where would we get the chicken from?!’" England bellowed.

W-wHAT? I-IN CHARACTER REMARK? FROM… A… A SHITTY FANFIC?!?!?!?!?! HOLD ON TO YOUR HORSES, GUYS. GET THE CAMERAS OUT. SAVOUR THE MOMENT WHILE IT LASTS.

"Well if we plan to have a mega chicken we would need a chicken," France implied also pointing to the drawing of the chicken.

what.

Okay.

'Implied'. I don't think that it means what you think it means.

France. France, no. You’re… You’re meant to hold on to some braincells. 

Our tiny moment in time of actual in-character activity has slipped our grip and we are now again wallowing in the terrible. Brace yourselves, dear followers. A winter is coming. 

"That’s not the bloody point and you know it!" England shouted out across the room.

"Come on England dude, lighten up a bit, you always seem so gloomy," America said patting England on the back which seemed more like he was punching the Englishman.

Ahem.

Your grammar is shit.

Your writing is literally equivalent to that of a four year old. 

Criticise me all you want for saying this, but as I’m going through it, the experience of rubbing my eyes over this tripe is similar to that of going to a restaurant and expecting a meal, and getting overcooked potato mash with no fucking seasoning.

Let me try and fix it for you.

"Come on, England-dude! Lighten up a bit. ‘Ya always seem so (I’d insert a qualifier here, possibly going with ‘gosh-darn’ or ‘damn’) gloomy." The American teased as he delivered a few pats on the back of England. Though, what with his superior strength, it managed to have the effect of the nation literally punching him.

"Yeah England, lighten up a bit or have your ‘friends’ finally abandoned you," France said with a grin implying to England imaginary friends.

*"Yeah, England. Lighten up a bit! Or have your ‘friends’ finally abandoned you?"

Again, with the supposed ‘implications’. It’s fucking redundant. We goddamn KNOW that he’s talking about Arthur’s imaginary friends. You’re trying to sound like you know your shit when you don’t. Look it up.

Also, England wasn’t being gloomy? Perhaps the voice of reason which maybe in a more comedic setting is an appropriate foil for comedy due to his more serious nature, BUT THE SETTING IS LITERALLY WORLD WAR TWO. HITLER IS RAMPANT, PEOPLE ARE BEING BURNT ALIVE AND EXPERIMENTED UPON, INVASIONS AND TENSION IS RIFE. COME ON. 

"What! I-I don’t have imaginary friends, what the bloody hell are you talking about," England stuttered trying to keep his composure.

"Dude you don’t need to hide it we’ve all seen you talking to them, though is does seem to be a bit strange," America tried comforting him though not making it much better.

Ugh. What is the point of Alfred’s sudden comforting? What is the point of the narration saying that it wasn’t ‘making it much better’. SHOW, DON’T FUCKING TELL. SHOW HOW IT ISN’T WORKING. SHOW HOW TENSION IS GETTING WORSE. I KNOW IT DIDN’T WORK. 

"Plus I said nothing about them being imaginary," France justified with a perky tone.

I’m scared.

I can’t tell if that was a legit sick burn from Francis in that he’s suggesting that England’s ‘real’ friends are nonexistent or whether or not this was a mistake as the author clearly does not have the relevant braincells to make that amazing dig.

"You git!" England shouted then threw his shoe that hit France right in the face. Everyone stood still as the shoe fell from France’s face.

Considering that there is a likelihood that France at this point in time was being invaded by German troops, I’d expect him to be a little nicer. After all, this is after America joined the war. However, THIS ESCALATED QUICKLY. ARTHUR WHAT THE FUCK WHAT HAPPENED TO KEEP THE BLOODY FUCK CALM AND CARRY ON?

"Vous avez le cervau d’un sandwich au fromage!" France yelled back then started slapping England in the back of the head as he tried to strangle him back.

Wow. The author actually knows an actual French Insult. Not going to lie. I’m somewhat impressed. 

But what I’m not impressed by is the actions. What the fuck even.

"Umm does anyone know what he just said?" China asked.

"I dunno, something about a sandwich" America answered. Everyone watched as the fight continued.

"Maybe someone should stop them?" Canada spoke up but nobody heard it. England and France fight went on for another ten minutes before Russia stood up declaring that he was starting to get a headache and everyone went back to their seats to continue on with the meeting.

Making that entire exchange… 

Completely pointless.

"So about this mega chicken," Russia started in his broken English,

YOU MUST NOT KNOW A LOT OF FOREIGN SPEAKERS BECAUSE RUSSIA’S ENGLISH IS PRETTY GOOD?

"maybe we go for a different approach, I am not sure we have enough science to genetically create chicken to breathe fire just yet,"

What? What are you saying? Huh? NOT CREATING A FUCKING MUTANT FIREBREATHING CHICKEN IN THE FOURTIES? NO. COME ON. WE TOTALLY HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY. STOP BEING A FUCKING WUSS, RUSSIA.

GOD.

That was sarcasm, by the way. 

he finished. Everyone just stared at America waiting for a reply. America stood there with a plain but almost sad look on his face.

"Okay then we will go on with plan B," America said punching the air.

"If you excuse me I need to use the water closet" England excused himself but not to use the bathroom but just to get the hell out of there.

(Late) Victorian society deemed leaving in the middle of meetings as rude and I’m going to assume that the tradition carried on at least until after the war. Knowing the gentleman Arthur is, even without the social faux-pas element, he’d not likely do this.

Oh, shit. I just broke the entire premise of this crappy fic. Whooooops.

England still went into the bathroom to keep at least some of his words true. Upon entering the bathroom England was struck with a headache and the room began spinning. He made his way over to the sink to splash water on his face. Looking up towards the mirror found his face to be slightly twisted. His hair was a lighter colour and his eyes were a mix of light blue and pink as for his clothes they were matching his eyes as a vest over a plain shirt and bowtie were in the reflection of the mirror.

The freakiest part of the reflection was the huge grin plastered on his face.

What

what

what

what

what 

why

why is he not screaming

shit hell and jesus marY JOSEPH WHAT THE FUCK RUN

Wait, this isn’t scary at all.

You see, to be even remotely suspenseful, there is this thing you need to build up called ‘tension’. A skill to learn to employ this comes from books as these will teach you that form and sentence structure can…

Teach you.

How to…

Keep suspense.

And it’s usually amplified by something also extrodinary called A FUCKING ADJECTIVE LEARN WORDS TO DESCRIBE SHIT THIS IS SO BORING LORD ALMIGHTY

"Why hello there," his reflection spoke only that the voice came from within the mirror and as on queue England fell landing on his behind. England thought France must have hit his head too much causing him this hullination.

Okay, first of all, ‘hullination’ I can’t even

Second of all WHY IS HE NOT FREAKING OUT? HOLY SHIT, ENGLAND. IS THIS A NORMAL THING? YOU NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION, IF SO. 

"What the bloody hell is going on?" England asked to himself.

"Are you just going to sit down there, that floor would be rather dirty," a giggle emanated from over the basin. England slowly looked up to see the twisted reflection looking down upon him.

"Why are you talking to me?" England asked questioning his own sanity.

YOU AND EVERYONE READING THIS, ENGLAND.

The reflection just grinned again slowly raising his right arm.

"Would you like a cupcake?" it replied showing a tray with a pink cupcake sitting in the middle of it. England slowly stood back up on his feet and placed his hand on the basin of the sink to help with his balance.

"Who are you?" England questioned staring into the eyes of the reflection.

WHY IS THIS THE FIRST QUESTION YOU ASK?

"Why I’m you," was the reply.

The grammatical errors literally ruin this bit of speech. Great.

"But how can it be? You look like me but you’re also replying to what I’m saying and I must say reflections aren’t meant to do that," England reasoned.

"Beats me, would you like a cupcake?" he asked again moving the tray closer to the mirror.

"No, I don’t think it could even really be possible you’re in a mirror and I’m not," England explained looking into the mirror.

I want to cry.

"Well how do you know you’re not?" The reflection questioned leaning forward with his head almost touching the glass.

"Excuse me?" England took a step back.

"Would you like a cupcake?" he quickly asked bringing the tray closer to his face.

"No I wouldn’t!" England shouted back.

"Aw well here you go," the reflection said bringing his arm back and flinging the tray at the mirror. The tray flew forward hitting the mirror making a loud noise but the cupcake never hit the mirror it passed through it. England swore that the moment the cupcake flew through the mirror he had a heart attack. The cupcake flew straight into England’s face getting in his hair and on his uniform. A vicious laugh filled the room as England rubbed the frosting from his eyes.

Screw it.

I’m crying.

This is so terribad.

"How could you of?" England stuttered staring down at his hands then back to the mirror. The man behind the glass had his arms wrapped around himself as he laughed.

OH MY GOD. OH MY JESUS DUBLOONS.

LIKE.

HOW.

"COULD YOU OF?"

DO YOU BY ANY CHANCE MEAN, “COULD HAVE?” IN ANY SENSE, THIS MAKES NONE. “HOW COULD YOU’VE/ YOU HAVE…?” WORKS ONLY WITH AN ELLIPSIS ATTACHED ON AS THIS INDICATES A PAUSE OF SPEECH SINCE HE IS IN CLEAR MID SENTENCE OR PAUSE. FUCKING HELL. 

"You should really take a good look at yourself," he said then waved his arm past his face and his face was gone and replaced with England’s real one. All the mirror was now was just a mirror. There was nothing twisted about it anymore all it showed was one cupcake covered Englishman standing in the middle of a bathroom with a stunned expression on his face. England walked up to mirror and placed his hand and shifting his weight on it wondering how on earth a cupcake could pass through it.

"What in lucifers garden just happened here?"

MY FUCKING QUESTION EXACTLY.

England kept staring at the mirror. About five minutes passed and England walked out of the bathroom still wearing the cupcake.

He just… Stood there… For five minutes? Like… Doing nothing?

Christ. He really does need help.

A new topic was going around the meeting room when England walked back in.

"Geez England how long you gotta- woah dude what happened to you?" America jumped up from his seat to inspect the man.

"Well he must have had a fight with one of his ‘friends’ and they got angry," France pouted with his hands folded over one another and placed under his chin.

Pouted?

"Get real France, so what happened dude?" America asked again. England new they wouldn’t believe that a reflection threw a cupcake at him so he had to make up a lie.

"Some one out in the hall way threw it at me" England lied.

"S’il vous plait England why don’t you just tell us the truth,"

The french here doesn’t make any sense. The ‘S’il vous plait’ needs to go at the end of the sentence, as the French gramatical structure varies from English. I would have put it as, “Angleterre, just tell us the truth… S’il vous plait.” Though the ‘please’ in French seems a little tacked on. It doesn’t need to be there.

France announced attacking his lie. England looked down at the conference table at a glass of water. As England stared at the glass and saw the other reflection again. The reflection had a finger across his lips and winked. He was only there for a second before he was gone and England looked away.

"As I went to the bathroom there was another man there but in the mirror and he was the one how threw a pink cupcake at me," England explained. Everyone in the room was dumbfounded.

Really? Dumbfounded?

That was truly the fucking extent of their reaction tO THAT?

"Okay so some random person in the hall way threw it at you, on with the next topic," America announced.

AND THEY AREN’T GOING TO REFER TO IT AGAIN????


At another meeting at the exact same time…

"Why are you winking at a glass of water?" A man with reddish-brown hair and a baseball bat with nails bending out of them asked.

"I just made a new friend is all," The blond man answered taking a bite out of a blue cupcake and smiled.

what

new

new? Friend?

New?

NEW?

It just…

Seems really unlikely this is the first time they met. 2P seems much too comfortable and all-knowing about it. Perhaps his madness is being displayed by this or he’s done it before. Either way, the fanfic is like twenty something chapters and it still hasn’t explained it.

And  I still find it fucking dumb.

Tagged: 2P hetalia2p Englandfanficfanfic reviewaph englandarthur kirklandaph francefrancis bonnefoyaph americaalfred f jonesAxis Powers HetaliaAxis powers ヘタリアaphhetalia

13th April 2014

Post with 9 notes

Review: Abyss of the Deep- What the everloving fuck is even happening?

Oh God. It’s one of these fanfics.

You know the kind like ‘Weight’ that everyone says is great but actually sucks balls? Yeah, that kind of fic. I feel like I’m becoming a slight hipster with these kinds of reviews but then I remember I’m one of the people that loves ‘Auf Wiedersehen’ and therefore am common scum.

Let’s… Let’s just try and get a few chapters over and done with as painlessly as possible. I might even do the whole thing if I can tolerate it.

“Come on fratello, hurry up! We’re gonna be late!”

Okay. Author, I’ll give you credit in the fact that you’re a lot better than most of the people in the community, but we’ve got issues right off the bat. First of all, there should be a comma after ‘come on’, indicating a pause. Otherwise you’re literally saying ‘come onto fratello’ and, uh, well, I hope someone takes Lovino to dinner first.

It’s a minor grammar error, but this is the first sentence and your first foot forward. You need to try and get it right. Secondly, by using the word ‘fratello’, you’re indicating that Italy isn’t speaking in Italian and henceforth is saying something in some other language. If they were speaking in Italian, the word ‘brother’ would be used, instead of translated Italian dialect. There is a jab at possibly saying that this takes place in Spain a little later on, however, this is unclear for the most part. Kindly explain. Why are they speaking in another language? If it is, what language? You need to set the scene more clearly, since knowing the little IQ of the majority of your readers, they’re going to be dazed and confused by this point.

“It’s a fucking open exhibit, we can’t be late.”

I’ll give you props for using the correct form of ‘it’s’. Though, it does appear a little unprovoked of Lovi to swear so suddenly at his brother. Yes, the prick does swear a lot, but not nearly as much at his younger sibling, nor completely motivelessly. He acts like a douche sometimes, but since you’re making him the protagonist, you’re not fucking trying to make him an asshole from the get-go, or he’s going to be completely unlikeable. This could be fixed if we knew of his tone or mood a little more, giving an indication that this is provoked, but something tells me you’re hardly skilled enough to think of that.

“I… just want to get there… before it closes.”

Nitpick time. Use capitals after ellipses, or you look like an uneducated twat. Overuse of ellipses here makes it seem as if you don’t know how to use them, which becomes far more prevalent as the story goes on. Use them in moderation, and they’re effective. Not to mention, since this dialogue lacks description, Italy looks like even more of an absolute moron, since I as a reader have no idea how to otherwise infer this. Explain. Describe. This is a story, not a script. You have these things called words at your arsenal. As Edward Thomas says in ‘Words’, choose them.

“…You’re meeting your potato bastard here aren’t you?”

Okay, excuse me while I scream in rejoicement at you using THE CORRECT ‘YOU’RE’ forms. Congrats, you did well. But that stops there. The use of the word ‘your’ connotes an idea of ownership to Italy, suggesting a relationship between them. Are they dating? This isn’t canon (inb4 all the ‘lol it totally IS CANON HERP DERP’), and as far as I’m aware, this is going by some sort of semblance of canon. Please keep to it. There needs to be a comma after ‘here’, you goof. Otherwise, we have no pause and the sentence begins to lack sense.

“…ummm…”

UGH THE ELLIPSES.

LEARN

HOW

TO

USE

THEM

“Goddamnit, Feliciano.”

This seems like the beginning of a meme.

Feliciano grabbed his brother’s hand and started whining.

Oh God this is it.

Okay. Let’s get this out of the way. The problem with the fanfic is that your writing? Yeah? It’s bland as fuck. That is my opinion. I am allowed to say it and it is not in insult. There is nothing exciting about it, and the lack of sophistication kills any possible enjoyment. At least the fun with bad fanfics is that usually the writing is so over the top that it manages to make it exciting, but this is just below average and not in the slightest fun to plough through.

Granted, you do show instead of tell, but to the very most simple degree. Your use of vocabulary is basic. Very basic, and while it keeps you covered, your clear lack of a grasp on basic grammar hurts this and really kills the fic.

“But fratelloooooooooo!”

Just saying, extending vowels makes your writing look unprofessional and childish. It irks me to look at it, really. If you need to describe this kind of whining, DESCRIBE IT. Don’t put it into the dialogue. Also, Italy’s whining seems a little out of character. He’s airheaded and desperate, rather than annoying as hell.

I’d suggest him more or less begging, rather than whining.

Lovino began flapping his arms wildly, trying to prise him off while squawking long strings of curses. Feliciano released him and gasped.

Okay, was the joke here to make him seem like a bird, as that’s fine as long as you mention it, otherwise this is unclear and despite being good, used incorrectly and a little redundant. Also, Lovi seems a little too mean spirited. Yes, he’d be annoyed, but this is his brother-the one he did try and choke, but just at grabbing his hand? Like, maybe if Feliciano was crying wildly and dragging Lovino down and refusing to get off of the ground, but otherwise this isn’t good.

“Ve~ look fratello! There it is!”

Tips to fanfic writers #1: Use tildes sparingly and when appropriate. They elevate your voice, which I guess could be deemed appropriate for Italy’s quirk here, but I’m going to keep a close watch on it. Otherwise, another grammar error, in which the comma is yet again missing completely between ‘Look’ and ‘Fratello’. This suggests instead that Feli is pointing out a brother, which makes this suddenly really ghetto.

Lovino squinted at the building.

“The fuck is this?”

“How the fuck do you know?”

Feliciano sighed and planted his hands on his hips. “Because it says so on the sign. Duh~”

NO. A TILDE IS NOT REQUIRED THERE.

“It looks like fucking gibberish to me.”

“It’s in Spanish, Lovino.”

This could be in character. Especially since canonically Lovi refused to learn Spanish, but the word in Spanish for an art museum is ‘Museo de arte’, which is a ridiculously easy guess from the Italian ‘Museo d’arte’. IT’S THE SAME FUCKING WORD. AUTHOR, YOU JACKASS. ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US THAT LOVINO CAN’T FUCKING READ. WOW.

Feliciano dashed away inside before Lovino could come up with a snippy retort.

THE BLANDNESS.

I CAN’T TAKE IT.

CRITICAL… P-POWERS…

FORCING ME.

TO TRY AND REWRITE.

Okay, you keep using their names as proper nouns to describe them, which is good and all if you’re five years old and writing your first fucking story, but come on, you can come up with better nouns. Even using ‘he’ or ‘the nation’, ‘the (northern/southern) Italian’ could work here. SPICE THIS SHIT UP. PUT IN SOME WORD-SALSA. COME ON.

‘Dashed away’ Yeah, now we’re getting somewhere! Could be accented with a simile or metaphor or a qualifier, but OKAY. WE CAN DO IT! Or… We can’t since YOU KILL IT RIGHT AFTER. Saying that he just ‘dashed away inside’ is a real bit of dead weight all of the sudden. It’s so nonspecific, you’re forcing a blank slate to the readers in which they are forced to imagine SOMETHING to make this part work and while reader imagination in itself is hardly a sin, this sort of laziness is akin to BELLA SWAN from Twilight.

Don’t be lazy.

As for ‘Lovino [coming up] with a snippy retort’, again, it has potential but is subdued by the blandness. Your writing tastes like a ton of dry bread with empty filling sandwiches. My EYELIDS are drooping as I write. This is pathetic.

Lovino sighed and slouched after his brother, thrusting his hands deep into his pockets.

Right, props for the more ‘showing’ than ‘telling’ aspect, but it’s still got issues like a emo high school student. Or me, haha. AGAIN, IT IS BLAND. IT NEEDS SOMETHING. ‘LOVINO SIGHED’ NEEDS SOMETHING. While simplicity is key, it’s always a terrible idea to succumb to your laziness. Add a qualifier, imo, and you’ll be far more dynamic. Otherwise, I’m not entirely sure how one can ‘slouch’ after a person. I get what you’re trying to say, but kindly attempt to make it a little more clearly. I’m sensing you’re missing a word.

It was cool inside the art gallery with people miling around, muttering.

OKAY. RIGHT.

THERE ARE ONLY TWO INTERPRETATIONS THAT STAND OUT THE MOST FROM THE WORD ‘COOL’. ONE OF THEM IS ‘COOL’ AS IN LACK OF HEAT, WHICH I GUESS IS ACCEPTABLE. THE SECOND IS THAT IT IS THE NINETIES SLANG FOR SOMETHING AWESOME, AS IN “That’s pretty cool, dude”. BECAUSE YOU LATER DESCRIBE THERE TO BE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE ACTIVELY MOVING AROUND IN A CONFINED SPACE, IT IS SCIENTIFICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO BE COLD. AND THEREFORE, I HAVE DECIDED TO INTERPRET IT AS THE LATTER AND IF I AM RIGHT, *HOLY SHIT AUTHOR YOU LAZY SHIT THIS IS SO LAZY I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD STOOP THAT LOW*.

WOW. JUST WOW.

I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS.

FOR YEARS WE HAVE SEEKED TO FIND THE LAZIEST AUTHOR, MOVING FROM JOHN FUCKING GREEN (HE IS SHIT. DON’T TRY AND CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE) TO THAT BITCH THAT WROTE THE FIFTY SHADES OF GREY.

EVEN ‘MY PERSONAL CHRISTIAN GREY FLAVOURED LOLLYPOP’ DOESN’T COMPARE TO THIS SHIT.

CONGRATS, AUTHOR.

TAKE THE AWARD. AT LEAST YOU MADE ME FEEL SOMETHING, BUT IT IS COMPLETE AND UTTER DISDAIN AT YOUR LACK OF SKILLS. THIS IS A NEW LOW.

A PHENOMENAL NEW LOW.

THIS IS SOMETHING SCIENTISTS SHOULD STUDY IN THE FUTURE ON THE FALL OF MANKIND AND ART. THIS IS SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE TAUGHT IN SCHOOLS IN REGARDS TO ‘HOW NOT TO FUCKING WRITE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO APPEAR AS A LAZY AS SHIT AUTHOR’.

AUTHOR.

PLEASE.

I BEG OF YOU.

DROP THIS LAZINESS.

YOU COULD DO

*so*

*SO*

MUCH BETTER.

Lovino idly picked up a leaflet about the exhibit and the artist they were featuring, some guy called Guertena. He sounded like a crazy creep but Lovino would let the art do the talking.

And you just killed my praises for the use of ‘show don’t tell’. How do you manage to keep doing that? THE ART DO THE TALKING??? LOVINO WOULD LET??? YOU COULD MAYBE WRITE THIS IN AN INWARDS VOICE BUT SO FAR WE’VE GATHERED YOU TO BE A THIRD PERSON OMNISCIENT NARRATOR AND THIS SEEMED A LITTLE REDUNDANT.

Also, I’m an art student and forgive me if I’m sounding wholly uneducated but could someone tell me who the fuck ‘Guertena’ is? I googled the name up and all I get is this anime-looking stuff with a blonde chick looking like a bit of a weirdo. If someone could kindly explain, you get a star. Or a doughnut. Or something nice. You pick.

He wandered around, idly glancing at the various paintings and sculptures.

You already used idly. I guess that’s how far your idle vocabulary idly extends. Poor soul.

He resolutely turned way the moment he say Feliciano hanging onto the potato bastard’s arm.

*SAW, YOU DIPSTICK.

Also I question the use of the word ‘resolutely’. A part of me thinks you don’t know what it means, since it is a little bit of a strange mental image to see Lovi TURNING AROUND WITH INTENSE DETERMINATION. I think you tried to cover up the blandness of your authorship by using slightly better vocabulary, but you got caught out.

Also, I can’t imagine our favourite Doitsu being too happy with Italy literally clinging off of him, so unless there’s a pretext OF THEM MAYBE GOING OUT WHICH HAS NOT BEEN EXPLAINED HERE AT ALL SINCE I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE AND WHEN THIS TAKES PLACE IN CANON, this makes little sense and makes him seem a little OOC.

He walked around a corner and was greeted by the sight of one enormous painting spanning the entire wall. He peered at the plaque beneath, trying to figure out the name. Unfortunately the stupid thing was in Spanish. He understood that it was “Something World”.

AGAIN, IN BOTH LANGUAGES THIS WOULD BE ‘COSA MONDO’ SO THIS SHIT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. HE WOULD BE ABLE TO READ IT BECAUSE IT’S THE SAME THING IN BOTH LANGUAGES JESUS FUCKING CHRIST AUTHOR ARE YOU EVEN TRYING.

Suddenly, the lights began to flicker.

NOSFERATU.

“Alright, fuck this shit, I’m out of here.”

I would change the second apostrophe to a full stop. The comma doesn’t provide a big enough pause inbetween the two clauses.

Lovino turned heel and ran to the exit.

Okay, again you’re using sayings which make no sense in this context. To turn heel refers to the change of morality in an antagonistic or protagonist force in a plot, such as a character turning evil from being the protagonist’s best friend. At least try to know what you’re writing. I guess this could be foreshadowing, but knowing that LOVINO IS THE MAIN CHARACTER, ITS PRETTY IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO TURN EVIL.

Also, how does he know where the exit is? He’d be disoriented and panicked. It’d be far too difficult to find the exit with common sense in his position.

The gallery was somehow even quieter.

Bland.

Not only that, there was no one to be seen.

You need to add a conjunction in-between the clauses, here, dearie. Otherwise the negation (the second clause) seems really awkwardly conjoined. ‘Not only that,*but* there was no one to be seen’ would work far better.

Literature-wise, it’d be far nicer to add more of how deserted it feels, since this is too simplistic. There is nothing to be evoked outside of our imaginations because of the way you’ve written it, which is (COME ON, BOYS AND GIRLS, AND EVERYTHING INBETWEEN, SAY IT WITH ME) L.A.Z.Y.

To rewrite this like the asshole that we all know I am, I’d phrase it like this: ‘The wide stretch of the gallery floor’- this emphasises how big the place is, which makes the reader feel far more segregated and lonely, ‘was somehow even more hauntingly silent. Where was everyone?’ A rhetorical question tells those reading that there is no one around, but in a far more direct way, and it bring the authorship to their level. This means that you can cut out the second part completely and make it easier on the eyes.

Tips to fanfic writers #2: Less is more, most often. Just because you’ve written a lot, doesn’t make it good. I’d much rather have a well written piece of work than a bunch of tedious filler that doesn’t invoke anything in me. Focus on QUALITY. Not quantity.

The reception was completely deserted and the front door, which he knew had been left open, was resolutely closed.

Again, you use that word but you don’t know what it means. I guess one could draw the interpretation to say that it was ‘definitely’ closed, but in that case, why didn’t you just use the word ‘definitely’? Using ‘long words’ for the sake of ‘long words’ is fucking pretentious and makes you look like a stupid git. Also, what is the point of ‘which he knew had been left open’. No FUCKING SHIT, SHERLOCK. HE CAME IN THROUGH THERE. WE AND HE KNOW THAT IT WAS OPEN IN PRIOR, SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF SAYING THAT HE KNEW IT?

He tired the handle. No joy, it was locked.

‘No joy’ might be an Irish thing, since I’ve heard my Irish teacher say it a few times. Regardless of the nationality and idiolect of the narrator, it is still awkward and clumsy. Don’t. Just don’t. ‘Damn it!’, ‘Oh fuck!’ or any other kind of exclamation could work here.

Lovino felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, he could sense eyes watching him. “Hello?”

I’d phrase it as ‘it was as if he could feel’ since he isn’t exactly sure here that someone is watching him. It’s unsubtle and a bit of a cliché anyway, so I’d avoid putting that in any piece of writing. Ever.

Lovino began walking towards the sculpture he knew his brother had bee standing in front of mere minutes earlier. His footsteps echoed hollowly in the empty hall.

I think the ‘bee’ shows the necessity of not overly depending on spellcheck.

Tips to fanfic writers #3: Don’t fucking use spellcheck to the point where you aren’t bothering to check your syntax. Otherwise you make mistakes which are as unforgivable as they are stupid. Onomatopoeia could be used here, but that’s just a suggestion.

As he passed a painting of a bowl of fruit, something fell with a soft thud. Lovino jumped about a foot in the air.

Wrong preposition. You should be using ‘into’ instead of ‘in’ when talking about the jumping as the air is something you jump into.

An apple was sitting demurely on the floor beneath the painting and there was now a gap in said painting. An apple shaped gap.

AGAIN WITH USING WORDS YOU DON’T KNOW. WHY USE THE WORD ‘DEMURELY’? IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE HERE. HOW THE FUCK IS AN APPLE DEMURE? LIKE, I KNOW THIS MIGHT SEEM A LITTLE FACIST IN A CENSORING SENSE, BUT AN APPLE ISN’T FUCKING BASHFUL OR PROVOCATIVE. PLEASE LEARN WORDS BEFORE FUCKING USING THEM. THANK YOU.

“Fucking… hell.”

HOW DO…. YOU MISUSE AN… ELLIPSIS THIS… BADLY? With the way you’ve written it, you’re making a pause after the word ‘fucking’. As if you’re saying:

‘Fucking…

Hell.”

If you want to do this properly you need to put the ellipsis after the word ‘hell’. ‘Fucking hell…’ <- My reaction to this authorship.

Lovino picked up the apple. It felt real to him but, turning it over in his hand, it left reddish smears.

That is a… Really strange sentence structure. It would flow better if it was phrased as such: ‘He turned it over in his hand. Oddly, it felt real… But left reddish smears.’

He dropped it quickly. This place was getting creepier by the minute.

To advance this, you could use fragmented sentence structure to put more of a suggestion of panic:

‘He dropped it. Quickly.

This place was getting creepy.

Creepier by the minute.’

Feliciano had been standing by a statue of three flowers twisted together. A daisy, a carnation and some weird blue flower. “Embodiment of Spirit”, whatever the hell that meant. However by the time Lovino returned to it, like everywhere else, was completely deserted.

OKAY, IF HE COULDN’T READ BEFORE WHY CAN HE READ NOW? HOW? WHY? ALSO, THERE’S A STUPID GRAMMAR ERROR ON THE LAST SENTENCE.

‘Lovino returned to it, like everywhere else, was completely deserted’ could be fixed, as otherwise it is really awkward since the subject is lost through the uses of commas. You could just remove the ‘like everywhere else’ part and throw it elsewhere since it’s fucking redundant and then fix it to say ‘By the time Lovino returned to it, the place was completely deserted’.

Lovino turned to go …somewhere else

KILL ME

When someone coughed lowly. Lovino whirled around again, his heart pounding.

You don’t need the ‘his’. We know it’s his heart. Putting in just ‘heart pounding’ is far more dynamic and frantic.

There was no one else there and nowhere for anyone to hide. The closest thing to another human being was a painting called…

I would complain about the ellipsis, but it’s slightly better used.

Lovino glared at the painting. “It was you, wasn’t it? You bastard. Fucking ‘Coughing Man’. Go on, cough again, I fucking dare you!”

Yes, that’s obviously what you do when you’re scared. Yell insults at it. Even this seems a little OOC for Lovi.

Lovino backed away slowly, maintaining a fierce death glare with the painted eyes.

*’At the painted eyes’.

He ran back to the centre room of the exhibit. There was a massive painting of an underwater scene… with a freaking massive shark on the ground.

You doN’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’t NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. . YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS. YOU DON’T NEED THE ELLIPSIS.

There had been roped off earlier but now there was a section missing

*They? It had been roped off there?

?????

You know a story is bad when you can’t even fucking edit it.

It seemed to have an almost gravitational pull, bring Lovino nearer and nearer to it.

*Bringing. The rest has been written in the past tense. You can’t just change it now.

Lovino took a deep breath and stepped past the rope and onto the painting. And all around him everything went completely and utterly dark.

…What?

WHY WOULD YOU GO INTO THE PAINTING?

WHY? WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

Good God the ending is lazy. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS FUCKING *LAZY*.

WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THIS IS GOOD? IT’S NOT COMPLETELY HORRENDOUS OR ASENINE LIKE FUCKING WEIGHT, BUT IT’S PRETTY TERRIBLE OTHERWISE. THERE’S SHITTY GRAMMAR, NONSENSICAL LANGUAGE MIXUP, BAD WRITING, AWFUL CHARACTERISATION AND IT JUST REEKS.

I guess the premise is… Interesting to a degree, but nothing special.

That’s it for now, I suppose.

Go cry.

Tagged: hetaliaAxis Powers HetaliaHetalia FanfictionHETALIA FANFICHetalia fanfic critiqueaph: romanolovinolovino vargasaph lovinofanfic reviewfanfic rantsspamanoapparentlyAxis powers ヘタリア

4th April 2014

Question with 1 note

Anonymous said: I just want to say that I enjoy your critiques. They're actually pretty funny XD. I do worry about some of the comments you guys make, they may seem harsh sometimes, but then again it's not like you guys are sending hate or anything to the author. We can't all be perfect writers and they should accept it and try and work on it. I'd actually be concerned if they thought they where amazing writers ._.

Exactly. But thank you!

2nd April 2014

Post with 23 notes

THIRD REICH NONSENSE MONTH EXTRAVAGANZA PART ONE: (Nazi!Germany X Stripper!Virgin!Reader Lemon. Just… What?)

Not a lot of people know this, but yours truly is a complete and utter third Reich nutter. No, I’m not a Nazi per-se, and I am sympathetic towards the tragedy of all those dead through WW2, but I do feel that laughing at History’s greatest villains is a good way to remember them in a way in which they won’t be feared (as this only gives them more unjustified power) and they won’t be forgotten (as we’d only doom ourselves to let them repeat themselves). Long and boring introductions aside, the Nazis have always held my interest and considering I earned an A* through my German Depth Study at GCSE (not quite the massive feat, but I hold pride in it nonetheless), I believe that I hold enough to critique history in fanfiction to this aspect where critique is due.

That being said, let’s plunge into the delightfully awful shitfest that is the Nazi Germany xReader part of deviantArt.com, and let’s review this awful, offensive fanfic.

Ludwig and his other soldiers were going out that.

…This is literally the first sentence and it makes no sense. I’m going to take a haphazard guess and presume that the author was intending to write ‘night’ at the end of the sentence.

Leaving their uniforms on to show who they were, they stepped inside a strip club to actually get some tension off from the generals, Ludwig was one of them.

RIGHT.

Several things: 

  • Uniforms and Rank- Ludwig’s role as a general is highly debatable in regard to the Hetalia Canon. It appears to me that from the episode in which the Anschluss was featured, the order to seize Austria came from his “superiors”. The use of the plural makes it seem that other than the Fuhrer, there were others ahead of him in the hierarchy of the reich.
  • 'Strip club'- While 'gentlemen's clubs' and the fashionable sexualised nightlife of Berlin in prior to 1933 existed, it is to be duly noted that A) the first strip club was founded in 1938 and B) Nazi Germany held STRICT AS FUCK censorship in regards to sex and public. Yes, while Aryans were encouraged to do the frick-frack by everywhere and everyplace, as well as Nazi solider given blow up dolls to increase fertility rates, sex was treated less as a pleasurable thing and more of that a means to serve the fatherland. That, or to brutally punish individuals, such as Jews that were forced into brothels instead of camps, or members of the Hitler Youth who were misbehaving. Henceforth, it is up to discussion whether Nazi soliders would be allowed to so freely enter a 'strip club', or whether this takes place somewhere else. Which brings me to my last point: 

  • Time period and place- When writing historical fiction, especially MODERN WORLD HISTORY, it ought to be fucking clear enough that you need to put in time and place. It’s not good enough just to kind of shrug your dipshit shoulders and say ‘AH YES IT’S IN FUCKING NAZI LAND DURING WW2’. This shouldn’t have to be a guessing game for readers, and while I’m not asking for precise dates and times and contextual facts in every sentence, it makes your writing overwhelmingly better.

Author, I just debunked the entirety of your premise from the first few lines. THIS SHOULD SAY SOMETHING.

They sat down at the front and waited for the show to start for them. As they waited, Ludwig began to think, this is possibly his tenth time that he’s been to this club, and he was rather popular with the women and would literally fight over him just to have a ‘good time’ with their master known as him.

Ludwig is… Canonically awkward with women.

image

The announcer began to speak through the speakers to announce a woman to get up on stage.

Ah yes I’m sure the speaker quality would have been perfect in FUCKING NINETEEN FOURTY SOMETHING.

"And now we have ________, be gentle men,

Nazis. Of course. GENTLE.

image

she’s new to this club! So give her enough encouragement for this brave, younge, and beautiful girl!” Ludwig looked up at the stage confused. _______? He’s never heard of this woman before, but he was oddly prepared.

Okay. Questions, questions. 

What language is all this in? I’m presuming German. But I’m starting to think that contextually this would only make sense to be occuring in France due to what the Nazis did to French women.

Also, ‘younge’.

 note to xREADER WRITERS EVERYWHERE: Whoever came upon the conclusion that writing in second person for xReaders and incorporating these fucking ____ or (*eye colour*) BULLSHIT is a fucking moron. I’ll do an editorial sometime on how it doesn’t work and how to avoid it, but there are BETTER WAYS to let readers insert themselves into the fic. Using spaces or asterisks disrupts the way your story flows and overall makes your writing look more juvenile than it otherwise would.

A younge

Y-You mean ‘younge’ ISN’T A SINGLE TIME SPELLING ERROR BUT INTENTIONAL???? FUCKING LORD MERCY HELP ME.

woman in her 20’s cameup to the stage wearing a skin tight (f/c) sports bra,

The first ever sports bra was invented and mass produced in 1977. Concept aside, NO FUCKING POOR PERSON COULD AFFORD BRASSIERE NOR HAD THE PROPER FABRIC OR FRAME HAVE BEEN INVENTED. THIS ISN’T SOME OBSCURE FACT TO GET WRONG, THIS IS LEGIT RETARDADTION ON YOUR FUCKING PART, AUTHOR. 

image

and camoflauge booty shorts that were really short (like daisy dukes short) with black high-heels as she slowly walked up the stage,

nONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN ALLOWED OR FOUND  ACCEPTABLE OR FUCKING INVENTED DAISY FUCKING DUKES WEREN’T ‘SEXY’ FASHION I’M ACTUALLY SOBBING 

looking really nervous and it was pretty obvious in her shining (e/c) eyes. The german’s crystal blue eyes

There are a few shades of ‘crystal’. Please elaborate.

widened at the sight of you and even blushed, he had never seen such a beautiful girl like you in all his years of fighting,

Because fighting really brings all the hot girls to the yard.

and he suddenly couldn’t help but stare at you with his face pink and his heart beating a hundred beats a minute, just watching you nervously come up the stage and grip the pole in atight grip, trying to keep your nervousness from being shown since you were actually a virgin, and this was your first time doing a dirty thing like this.

Why isn’t ‘show don’t tell’ not taught as a cardinal rule in class? Because, ugh. Let’s take this apart.

'he suddenly couldn't help but to stare at you'- this has potential to showcase his sudden lust and affection, though seemingly instant due to the fact that HE JUST FUCKING MET YOU. You're telling this to the readers and it seems both boring and redundant. A better way to phrase it would be something along the lines of 'his eyes initially flitted away in an attempt to provide you decency, however, within a millisecond, his orbs were ogling you over again and again, unable to stop gazing in wonder or some kind of bullshit'. That is hardly perfect but is far more dynamic and interesting and keeps the readers far more captivated.

'…his face pink and his heart beating a hundred beats a minute'- Better, but could be far more dynamic. Try and give it some flavour. What shade of pink? Any imagery? 

'…trying to keep your nervousness from being shown since you were actually a virgin, and this was your first time doing a dirty thing like this.'- Lame. It's lamely written. Granted, virginity being a mere social construct at this point in time is an unlikely thought but this bit of exposition is unnecessary. If you wanted to show the character as something that is inexperienced or new to sexuality, show shakiness, nervous beads of sweat dribbling down the face. Show. Don't tell.

SHOW. DON’T TELL.

SHOW. DON’T FUCKING TELL.



You took a deep breathe and began to dance to the music that was being played for you, using the pole for balance.

What kind of music, exactly? I can’t imagine one of hitler’s cheap speech radios providing any good sound, let ALONE Goebbels would never have let any ‘strip music’ pass through censors. Granted, the Nazis did create their own Aryan jazz to counter underground ‘black music’ groups.

I’m actually not being rude or sarcastic here. I genuinely want to know what music and how. I guess a backing band might be doing it since that was what was going on in the cabaret (NOTE: DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CABARET AND STRIP CLUB) in ‘Hitler: the rise of evil’, though that is so hilariously inaccurate a part of me wants to tear into it. It is available on youtube for those interested and pretty entertaining!!!  

Tears were welling in your eyes as men were wolf-whistling, hooting and hollering, and even throwing dollar bills at you and demanding for you to strip off your clothing.

I know the Nazis weren’t a paticularly classy group of people, nor did they dabble in feminism, however, this seems a little out of character for your 1930-40’s man. Especially one taught with the ‘pure’ third reich ideals. Do your research.

You looked away from the crowd to try and hide your shedding tears, but Ludwig could see them,

image

?????????????????????????????????

*?????????????????????????????*

How CAN HE SEE THIS SHIT

knowing that you never wanted to do this in the first place. Many of his fellow guards men

gUARDS OF WHAT???? HITLER??? FELLOW??? IS GERMANY A BODYGUARD TOO????

YOU NEED TO EXPLAIN.

tried to get you to come with them to a private area and actually have a good time with them, but it just made the tears well up more and more until a certain someone’s hand reached out towards you, asking for permission.

image

HE WAS NEVER DESCRIBED MOVING FROM HIS SPOT

You slowly took Ludwig’s hand and he led you away from themen that were actually cheering him on. Once you got into the private room, he quickly started to unbutton his jacket

THIS SEEMS A LITTLE OUT OF CHARACTER.

I know he’s a Nazi and all, but Ludwig doesn’t seem the one to be all that forward. All ideas of having elevated power and you being a woman… I just can’t see him doing this, especially with how bashful he was towards his interactions with Italy, as well as other canonical women WHICH YOU KNOW, HE’S ACTUALLY VERY SHY ABOUT

and stopped when you suddenly bursted into tears. “P-please…spare me sir…! I n-never wanted to do this in the first place…!”

I don’t think that that would actually stop anyone, but, you know. It’s a nice thought. 

He looked at you with a sympathetic look and held your chin for you to look up at him. “Zhen vhy did jou do zhis…?” He asked, wanting to know why a first timer wanted to do a dirty thing such as this.

There is just

so much

stupidity and OOCness in this I can’t comprehend 

I just

no


You looked down in shame as tears continued to drip down your delicate cheeks. “M-my family….their in debt….and we’re about to lose everything…s-so..I tried getting jobs at other places…but I got fired at every single job on the first day…s-so I-I-I had n-no other choice but to do this..but now..e-even I am s-starting to r-regret even thinking about th-this type of job…it’s too dirty…”

Given all the nonsense so far, this is somewhat plausible in contrast. Though, therE WERE JOBS SET BY THE GOVERNMENT FOR EVERY GERMAN MAN AND WOMEN WERE GIVEN MONEY TO STAY HOME SO THAT THEY WOULDN’T GO OUT OF THE HOUSE SO THIS IS STUPID UNLESS WE AREN’T IN GERMANY 

BUT, YOU KNOW. SINCE NO SPECIFIC LOCATION IS EVER GIVEN, THIS IS ALL A BIG FUCKING MYSTERY.

Your tears were starting to come back and dripped from your cheeks. “I-I’m even a virgin…I’ve never had sex in my life…and I don’t want to give it away to a man that only needs me for his needs…” You quickly covered your face with your hands and began to cry all over again, oblivious that the german was staring at you, feeling horrible about everything that you were going through.

How sweet! Though, this is what probably happened:

image

No matter how much he hated to admit, he hated to see a beautiful woman like you having to force yourself on the men around you just so youcould pay and end the debt from your family.

Of course, women who weren’t beautiful would get no such pity. 

He sighed softly and handed you a small roll of 20 dollar bills, just enough to actually pay for everything.

It seems a little odd that he’s using dollars, but since this was becoming the most reliable currency, I’ll buy it.

"Ma’m…vould zis do..?" A small hint of pink spreading his cheeks. You looked at the bills and smiled happily and unexpectedly hugged him tight. "Thank you…thank you so much…I never knew a Nazi like you could be so kind…"

ARE WE NAZIS? ARE WE NOT? WHO KNOWS.

His face was now red at your words and his heart beated a million times faster as he slowly hugged you back and held you in a tight embrace. “Ja…” 

Looking up at his features, you blushed softly and never noticed how handsome he was until now. His blue eyes made your heart beat faster, and his voice just made you feel light-headed. You leaned in slowly and met your warm lips with his, surprising the german by your actions.

Considering that you were literally an ‘ooooh such a fragile virgin aaah don’t touch me’ I think that this is a little forward. 

He slowly eased into it and held you close while kissing you back with passion. His hands roamed around your body a little bit and his lips left yours to attack your neck, making you gasp softly and moan a little.

This, too, seems a little forward, but if he’s such a fucking alpha male with a huge power trip, I guess it can be excused.

Just this once.

He bit and sucked on a certain spot that made you moan softly in pleasure, leaving a mark and claiming you as his.  ”I..I almost forgot to ask you of your name…~” you moaned out, he smiled kindly and kissed your cheek. “My name is Ludvig..”

'Ludvig'

WHY WOULD YOU TYPE OUT THE ACCENT UNLESS HE ISN’T SPEAKING IN GERMAN AND IF HE ISN’T THAT JUST RAISES EVEN MORE QUESTIONS

You smiled and kissed his sweet lips again, feeling his hand tugging your sports bra a little and asking for you take it off.

Why are his lips sweet

Why are you wearing a sports bra if you’re doing exotic dancing

Why are you wearing a sports bra in an era where it doesn’t exist

This is hurting me on so many levels.

You broke the kiss and took it off, quickly covering your breasts after. He chuckled and took your hands away. “Liebe…jour beautiful…zhere’s nozhing to hide my dear…”

*Shudders*


Ludwig, or, you know, Ludvig. Why are you being a huge fucking creep? Last time we checked you were a shouty nation that made coffee out of flowers I just don’t even

you watched him slowly take you to the bed that was provided and layed you down gently, licking your collar bone before going south to your breasts. Moaning and gasping at the sudden contact with his tongue slowly rubbing against your right breast while his hand gave the other the same amount of attention, it felt electrifying at the pleasure that was coursing through you. He switched breasts and gave them both the same attention, until he stopped and took off his shirt, showing his chest that was ripped with a six-pack. You trialled your fingers lightly against his chest, wanting to feel his abs that made him shiver in pleasure. He pinned you lightly against the bed and took off your shorts showing you matching (f/c) panties while he took off his, showing his german patterened boxers. 

I HAVE NO COMMENT BUT LAUGHTER

Okay, this blog is meant to be sORT of SFW and the rest evolves into a really bad porn scene, so I’ll just give you the highlights:

  • Two fingers into a self-lubricated vagina- OW PAIN EVERYWHERE
  • 'How is that going to fit?!'
  • "Just so jou know….________…I’m not doing zhis because of my needs….I’m doing zhis because….because….ich liebe dich…"
  • ”___-______ g-get on jour…hands and knees…I forgot to bring condoms…” 
  • Anal sex without lubricant on a virgin. Yeah.

And last, but not least, my favourite APH Germany fanfic moment EVER:

  •  ”Who’s jour daddy~?” He asked once more before hitting your second bundle of nerves with a good timing. “YOU~!!! AHH~!!!! YOU LUDWIG YOU~!!!” 


And thus, the smut ends just as instantly and unromantically as it began


You both collapsed on the bed in a panting and sweating mess, the blankets from the bed covered both your bodies while you held eachother close. “_______ I vant you to stay vith me…ve can both try to provide money for a house…get married…have children of our very own…everyzhing zhat jou’ve alvays vanted…”

That was not edited. Ludwig met you less than twenty minutes ago. I think he’s drunk.

You smiled until it faltered. “Wh-what about my family…?” You asked worriedly. He hugged you close and stroked your hair. “Ve can figure somzhing out..” you smiled and kissed him as he returned. “Yes…I’ll stay with you…” he smiled warmly, feeling extremly happy. “Danke.. ________ ich liebe dich….”



And that was as quickly over as it began. 

I have no words to conclude this with because I’m just

fucking speechless

So I’ll just leave this here

image

See ‘jou’ next time!

-Mod Socks

Tagged: TW: nazisAxis Powers HetaliaAxis powers ヘタリアaphhetaliafanfic reviewnsfw

2nd December 2013

Post with 3 notes

Somewhat of an explanation (tw:suicide).

Yes, yes. I’ve read all the messages asking for our return. And this blog isn’t dead.

Ha.

This blog was originally lead my three people. Mod cleo, Felixxx and I were Skype buddies and I met them through a depressed people’s website while I was going through a rough patch and bonded and had fun through Skype chats and this blog.

Sadly, both mod Cleo and Felixxx committed suicide recently. They were dating and things are hazy but while I’m going to kick myself for going into this much detail soon enough, you must understand that this has shaken me enough to make me stop updating for a while.

But I won’t let their legacy die out.

I guess I’ll run this blog from now on.

-Mod Socks.

Tagged: tw suicide