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Review: Chapter Two of ‘Summer Knights, December Days’ (We’re still sobbing).
Submitter: Another chapter of ‘The Nightmare of Sane Hetalia Fans’! This might have to be put under the ‘extreme OOC’ tag as well next chapter…. Let’s just say the author messed up the canon so horribly I would rather not speak about it…. That factor isn’t introduced until next chapter, though. Enjoy~ (Or not.)
I’m screaming on the inside already. We’ve mainly sussed out that this has to be a troll. It has features and mistakes a little too similar to My Immortal, but hey, it still belongs here!
A/N sorry I couldn’t get this up I had stupid homework. UGH! FML
A part of me wishes your teacher had set more of that homework.
Had that been the case, this monstrosity would not exist.
WE GASPED!
Both? Simultaneously? At the same time?
This is so juvenile.
IT Was Kim nd Jay, my foster parents! They where really really mean and nesty,
What, ‘nesty’?
THEY LIVE IN NESTS?
THEY’RE BIRDS? NO WONDER YOU WANTED TO GET AWAY FROM THEM.
like the cheerbitches. OH NO! AND THE POLICE WERE WIT THEM TWO!
*Too, you insolent wanker.
Kim wuz cring fake ugly tears, like her boob job.
*Was crying. And I legitimately love this bit of description. No lie.
Her face wa splotchy looking. One of the policemens said to me “Summer, you’re parents had been very very worried about you and we have been looking all over the city four you” he sayeth.
…Was there any point for thou to use Shakespearean English? Really?
“NOOOOOO!” I shouted.
I transformed into my neko form.
FOR FUCK’S SAKES. WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS BULLSHIT NEKO FORM? IT’S NOT CUTE. IT LOOKS STUPID AND CONTRIBUTES NOTHING. MAGICAL ABILITIES, IF EXPLAINED, COULD.
THIS IS JUST SO DUMB, IT FUCKING HURTS.
The poleceman drooped
As his arms turned to jelly.
his gun and ran away tryin to pull up hes pants (cuz he was so fat from the doughnuts lol).
Of course. More fucking stereotypes.
“THERE NAWT MY PARENTS” I growled loudly like a neko.
Public literary message #120997
‘Neko’ refers to the Japanese word for cat.
Although it has become a popular trope for those godawful ‘neko girls’ with those shitty sparkle-cat ears and tails for no particular purpose but to apparently look dumb, using the word neko out of this particular context only means cat.
You are saying that you growled like a cat.
Not ‘hissed’.
Not ‘growled like a bullshitty neko human thing’.
Cats typically do not ‘growl’. Hiss, yowl and meow, they do.
Not growl.
The other guys looked sacred but they pulled out they’re guns. Suddenly….
December started turning into a neko two!
*Too, you scatterbrained little shit.
Her neko ears where black-purple with silver tips and her neko tail was black-purple with a siler tip too. Her black and silver nails turned into claws and her teeth turned into fangs.
Is it just me or is this mental image more horrifying than ‘cute’?
She growled to. We started too run toward them but they ran away! Except…..
Kim hid behind Jay and he pulled out a huge rifle and started to shoot ballets all around us!
WHY ARE THEY SHOOTING AT TWO GIRLS? WHAT? ARE WE IN GOTHAM? ARE THE POLICE CORRUPT? WHAT IS GOING ON?
Then someone very loud and wearing glasses with a leather jacet grabbed the rifle and broke it into two pieces!
And it was at that time I knew three things for certain:
One, I was a sparkly neko girl thing.
Two, Alfred can now grab guns when they’re still shooting.
And three, Alfred IS NOW RUBEUS HAGRID AND CAN TWIST SHOTGUNS.
“nO ONE HURST THE HEROS DAUGHTERS! CUZ IM THE HERO”
THIS CHARACTERIZATION.
I CAN’T.
I’M 12000% DONE.
he shouted. Kim an Jay ran away screamin like preps.
I now need to find out what prep screams are like.
I bet they’re as delicious as their tears.
He turned to us and said, “I hope you girls like hamburgers, ‘cause this is gonna take awhile.”
UH, YEAH, FOLLOW THE GUY THAT JUST TWISTED A GUN. THAT SEEMS SENSIBLE.
~=^.^=~=^.^=~=^.^=~
Neither of us ever had known our parents. December had run away form her foster parents wen she ws really really little and lived in the apartment building.
HOW DID SHE MANAGE TO SURVIVE?
Tat was befour we met. Kim and Jay hsd me since I was 3. I can hardly remember what it was like before theem… I try not to think about, but someties… Kim and Jay are such horrible people, but the government hates kids because kids can’t vote.
You know, over here in Britain, the goverment hates us because of how the media portrays young people. Otherwise we’re pretty cool with them.
I’m so happy I’m not a yank.
They don’t care if kid s live swith abusive people.
You know, over here in Britain, when my abusive stepdad was reported by the neighbors, the police and the council followed it up.
It’s great to be British.
Or, y’know, you might have this system in America, too. I really doubt it from your description, but something hints to me that the police most likely do care about minors being hurt.But… Whatever. They ‘can’t vote’.
Niether of us know were are neko powers came form.
…Neither do I.
Did I miss an episode or not read a strip or something? Do the countries have some WEIRD-ASS NEKO POWERS I NEVER SAW OR WHAT?
The man with the classes and leather jacketr lead us too the table and we sat down and he gave us hamburgers. We ate them with the sushi.
WHAT? WHERE DID THE SUSHI COME FROM?
He told us that he was America. “BULLSHIT!” YELled December and me together.
*December and I.
Also, that is the most plausible reaction in this story so far. Well done, author.
He was a crazy person! “NO NO WAIT I CAN EXPLIANED!” “America” yelled.
This grammar and spelling is beyond atrocious.
“You sea,
*SEE, YOU NITBRAINED TWAT.
every country has a preson that is the country.” he said. “I don’t get in” I said
To be honest, that is the poorest explanation of Hetalia I have ever read.
No wonder she’s fucking confused.
confusedly. “Like you kno how Uncle Sam is supposed to be America? Thats me!” he said happily and made a heroic pose.
Haha, there’s no way they’re going to believe-
“Oh!” we said, clapping our hands and feeling happy cuz we got it now!
Aaaaand they’re total dipshits.
“And you guise are my sates!” he said.
*Guys, you snot-nosed dweeb.
“HUH?!” we shouted. “You’re my kids! You have been missing for a very long tiem! Ive ben lookin for you fer years!” he said.
*Time, I’ve been ‘lookin’, you fucking toerag.
"But if your Amereka,
I’m not going to bother anymore.
You have to be doing this on purpose.
how can we be you’re kids? Were 7!”
WAIT WHAT? SURELY YOU MEAN SEVENTEEN.
I smartly said, like one of those nerds on the debate team
From your fucking stupidity, I honestly doubt this is the case.
except Im not a nerd (ew there ugly)
Yes I watched this show don’t judge me.
I BEG TO DIFFER.
and Im not on the debate team (clubs and having a social life are for preps with no personality, nya!).
Mod Socks was in the school reading club, ex-honour member of the science club, art club, was a member of the local scout troop, has done numerous bits of teaching english and english clubs and does shotput and discus, tennis and swimming.
Somehow, I think I have a personality and a social life.
“cuz my states are like countries.” He said.
No. No they’re not.
State:
Of, provided by, or concerned with the civil government of a country: “the future of state education”.Country:
“A nation with its own government, occupying a particular territory.”
“WOW!” We said. Then we looked at each other. “WERE SISTERS!” we shouted. “Your new York (AN: cuz that’s were I live cuz its awesome!)
he said. He pointed at me. “And your California.”
Firstly. *You’re.
Secondly. No Author’s notes in the middle of the fic. Beginning or end only. We’re not here for your dimwitted commentary and we don’t give a shit if you’re a yank or not.
Thirdly, you’re missing speechmarks on the end of America’s first set of speech.
Lastly, this is dumb, and how were the states formed? DID AMERICA GIVE BIRTH TO FIFTYTUPLETS EW WHAT
he said. He pointed at December too. “OMG!” we yelled.
“WERE SISTERS!”
‘Were sisters’, like werewolves?
YOU TURN INTO SISTERS AT FULL MOON AND SAVAGELY GO AROUND, INFECTING OTHERS INTO SISTERHOOD.
we yelled and hugged and felt happy. How could we have not noticed? Were like twins!
Fuck, there’s two of you?!
“Were gunna go to my house now.” said America. “lets’ go!” he shouted. He jumped gleefully. “But wait!” I cried. I looked at my apartment. It was so pretty and I have spent so much time in it and making it. It was so wonderful! I didn’t want to leave!
You probably shouldn’t.
STRANGER DANGER, HELLO?
“WAIT! What about my room?!” I said. “I dunt want to leave! I love this place!” “Oh. He said. “But don’t you want to meet all the other states?”
THERE IS MORE OF YOU? FUCK.
he said. “Yes!” Is adi.
Huh? What does that mean?
“But I don’t wanna leave!” I said kind of crying. “I would be very said if I left.” I sad sniffling.”Yeah!” aid December.
“Well…. Well think of something.” America said. “Hey! I know!” December said. “We could just bring tohe stuff with us!”
“Butt it wont be the same.” I said feeling sad. “It’ll be better!” Said Amereca. I feelt a little cheerier now.
…And that convinced you.
Wow. You’re ridiculously DUMBER THAN I THOUGHT YOU WERE.
Out side we could hear a helicotper. It was very loud. “WOW!” December and me yelled. Within seconds my head and my ears were hurting. I covered my ears with my hands.
“Here, put these on!” America shouted over the noise, handing us noise-cancelling headphones. We put them on gratefully. He climbed in, then leaned out and gave us the thumbs up to go in.
We could t talk, but the helicopter ride waz awesome! I stared out the window. “OMG!” I sreamed. WE WERE GOING OVER TEH OCAEN!
I have blood coming from my ears.
I’m having haemmorage over how horrible this spelling is.
Merica looked and me and smiled real big. “It is beautiful, ja?”
…HE’S GERMAN NOW? WHAT?
If I wasn’t his daughter I would call im really h4wt but I am so ic ant.
Getting memories of ‘My Immortal’.
“GERALD WAY.
HE’S A MAJOR FUCKING HOTTIE.”
AAAH!
“isn’t he kinda cute” said December.
“he’s are DAD, BAKA”
I know this may be an obvious question, but WHY IS AN AMERICAN STATE USING RANDOM JAPANESE DIALECT?
said giggling and punching her in the shoulder but it was okay cuz I was being kawaii.
You’re not cute.
YOU’RE NOT CUTE.
Im not a mean prep,
Again, stop the generalization.
You look close-mindedly bigoted and REALLY STUPID.
though I can hit harder then ny of those biches.
Really now?
I display qualities of a so-called ‘prep’, and I did kickboxing for several years. We’re not all skimpy, defenseless little girls.
If they new how ard I can hit they would nt never have messed with me. “LOL’ she said. She punched me in the arm.
“OW, BITCH! THAT HURT! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?” I yelled. December was awesome, but sometimes she could rwally be a bitch! She flattened her nekomimi (a/n: htat meanz neko ears in Japnese. I just learned that today nya!)
and looked down. “Sorry.” She said kind of quiet. “WHAT?!” I yelled cuz I couldn’t here her. “SOARY!” she yelled looking kinda sad.
“WHY DO YOU LOOK SO SAD?” I yelled. “DID DOS PREPS TEXT YOU SOMETHING REALLY MEAN?” She just laffed and shook her head “OKAY” I yelled.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
HET!” I yelled suddenly. We where passing over a beautiful beach! “WHERE ARE WE?” I yelled to america.
“Were goin to teh UN so you can meet the othre countries” he said
WHY?
They’re American states. America represents them in the UN conferences and elsewhere. Other nations wouldn’t care much about them, and stay out of their way unless they are linked to the state for some reason.
However, they’d still consult Alfred BEFORE going straight to the states.
They don’t CARE about you. THEY HAVE NO REASON TO.
WHETHER THERE IS A HIERARCHY BETWEEN STATES AND NATIONS, NATIONS WHO ARE BUSY DOING NATION THINGS DO NOT CARE ABOUT MINISCULE THINGS SUCH AS YOURSELVES.
‘OH MY GOD!” I yelled. “THAT IS SO COOL!” “Omg, righte?” said December. “I love England! I cant wait to meet him! I bet he’s really hot!”
Plot twist: It’s Nyo!England.
She said. “Oh me to!” I said. “I bet he’s super mega foxy awesome hot!” I giggled.
No, seriously. YOU DON’T KNOW IT’S A GUY.
Teh helicopter landed on a huge lawn. America lead us into a huge white building with a ton of flags in front.
WAIT HE JUST IGNORED YOU TALKING ABOUT HIS EX-CARE TAKER.
WELL, OKAY THEN.
He flashed his badge at a `security guard and we walked down alot of hallways with paintings and went ino a elevator. When it opened up, we were at the tippy top of the building. We walked down some more hallways and paintings. Then we went into a big meeting room. Alot of people were inside. A lot of them were arguing and two blond guys were choking each other.
Of course.
Of course.
“HEY THE HERO IS BACK” AMErica shouted. Everyone stopped talking and looked at us. December blushed, and I would have too, but I didn’t, because I hate letting people see my real feelings. I’m good at hiding them. “Kesesesesese” Said a cute guy with silver hair and red eyes that glinted like rubies. “You’re a very pretty girl”
Prussia, go back to Germany’s basement. You have nothing to do here.
He said too me. I blushed. No one had ever said anything like that to me! I liked him instantly. “Well of course she is, shes my daughter.” America said.
SERIOUSLY, HOW DOES THAT WORK?
“Ve~ I cant believe you’ve found them! It’s been so long and we have been very worried!” Another guy with a curl and an Italian accent said.
WHY DOES ITALY CARE ABOUT THEM?
“You guys know who we are?”
“Yeah! Ve~” He said. “This is so awesome!” I whispered to December. “Bloody hell, America, I can’t believe you have more kids.” A blond guy with a British accent said.
“Shut up, Arthur. Everyone, this is California and New York!”
A/N: Review, please! ;)
Submitter: This is the reason I’m ashamed to be a Hetalia fan.
Join the bloody club.
I also got more info about Summer and the author. The author’s username on fanfiction.net is *name witheld.* and her first name is Aubrey. Aubrey has black hair with blue streaks which she dyed in. I’m not suprised this is where Summer’s ridiculous hair came from.
Ugh. Nothing sucks more than bloody horribly done self-inserts.
Nothing.
Aubrey says she has ‘bluish grayish eyes’, so she is at least trying to hide the fact she is using a self-insert.
Or she’s inputting what she WISHES was her eye colour.
She’s not doing a very good job, but trying. As for December, I have a feeling she is a self-insert as well. I have no clue who she might be, however.
A friend, possibly? It wouldn’t surprise me at all.
Photo with 11 notes
‘GERITA COSPLAY: Expect the Unexpected’, by http://sockseevil.deviantart.com/
Germany: http://sockseevil.deviantart.com/
Italy: http://princess-celestia-x.deviantart.com/
Source: sockseevil.deviantart.com
Post with 5 notes
Review: One Mistake Can Last Forever (Don’t worry, it probably doesn’t).
Good day, children. We apologise for the lack of updating on this blog. We were low on staff, and the ones that had access to tumblr were either hard at work (it’s England. We’re not on summer hols yet) or writing fanfics of our own (I finished something! Yay!).
Today’s ‘story’ is a shoddy fanfic from our usual shoddy art site.
It’s dumb and hilariously silly. But that’s what makes it a worthwhile bit of review material.
Let’s begin.
Today was a happy day for Italy, but everyday was a happy day for Italy. Today was extra special. Today Italy got the okay from his boss and Germany’s boss to go on vacation together.
Well, this doesn’t seem too bad as an opening paragraph. I’m not too fond of the repetition of the word ‘today’, but I do see what the author was trying to achieve. The last part is a bit iffy, as I’m not all too sure how Italy had convinced them to let them go on holiday, but I’ll let it slide. Another question would be WHY Italy wants to do all this, but hey-ho.
The grammar seems okay for now, and there’s no real BIG mistakes.
Therefore, it has been an opening paragraph…
(please do bear in mind that one of these is pretty rare on this blog).
Italy talked to America’s sister, Hawaii, and she promised Italy that she would get him a really big room. Italy was really happy about that.
This could be a biiiit more specific. So, I’m guessing that Italy is going to have his holiday in Hawaii’s (Why Hawaii? This could be explained, as the paragraph seems quite lacking in detail) house.
Luckily, Germany’s boss allowed Italy to tell Germany about the trip so Germany was completely clueless about it all.
Well, nothing can really go wrong here. Seriously?! Who’s idea was it to leave to ITALY to tell him?
Italy skipped up to Germany’s house with a big smile on his face. He knocked and happily waited for Germany to answer the door.
Prussia opened the door. “Guten tag Italy, West isn’t here right now.”
Italy’s smile disappeared. “Oh,” he said. “Can I wait for him? I have good news for him.”
“Sure, come in and sit down.” Prussia said, letting Italy in.
This dialogue is so gripping.
Prussia was talking to Romano a few days earlier and had a plan. Romano talked Prussia into getting Italy and Germany to break up.
…
UH.
DID I MISS SOMETHING? This is the first chapter of the fic, and there’s no prologue, so nope. This is all the introduction we get to…
Well, the main plotpoint. IF YOU CAN FUCKING CALL IT THAT.
WHY?
I can understand Romano not liking Germany very much, but he loves his brother enoughnot to OUTRIGHT TRY AND BREAK THE TWO UP OUT OF NOWEHERE. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
AND PRUSSIA. WHY ARE YOU GETTING INVOLVED?!
Italy and Germany had been dating for three years and Prussia thought that was long enough.
WELL,OKAY. THAT MAKES SENSE. THEY MUST HAVE PASSED THEIR DATING TRIAL TIME OF THIRTY DAYS.
SERIOUSLY?! IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS A LOGICAL OR REASONABLE JUSTIFICATION FOR BREAKING THE TWO UP?!?!?!?
Italy sat down on the love seat that he lost his virginity on to Germany.
I just laughed so hard that juice spilt everywhere.
Italy started to blush when he thought of the memory.
I bet he’s sitting where he jizzed as well.
Prussia sat on the recliner next to the love seat.
“So, What is this good news that you want to tell west?” Prussia asked.
Italy looked at Prussia and his big smile came back. “Ve, I’m bringing Doitsu to Hawaii for a vacation. Doitsu’s boss is letting me tell him.”
Oh, Italy. Why are you talking in Japanese?
“Oh, Kesesese, so you two are going to have some fun?” Prussia said.
I can’t take this seriously after the description of the loveseat.Also, is Prussia talking in Japanese as well?!
“Si! There will be food and beer and wine and we are going to have a big room.” Italy said happily.
…Am I seriously the only one finding this overtly sexual?
…Or am I just becoming a huge-ass perv?
Prussia leaned back in the chair and put his hands behind his head. “Well, I don’t think west will want to go.” Prussia said.
No, Prussia! YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO WITH THIS STUPID PLAN, GILBO. JUST BACK OUT! THERE’S STILL HOPE!
“Ve?”
“Last night I heard West say that he was sick of you and was considering breaking up with you.”
…
Gilbert.
Is this seriously your plan?
Italy, I know you can be a bit of an airhead, but please don’t tell me that you’re fucking DUMB enough to fall for-
“I don’t believe you.” Italy said, feeling his heart breaking. “You’re lying!”
First I read his first words and was all shocked because I thought that Italy was actually being written well.
Then I read the part about his heart and clung my head in shame for the Italian, as already saw where this was going.
Prussia put his hands down and shook his head. “I wish I was but i heard it with my own two ears.”
Legitimate evidence, everyone.
Germany walked through the door and saw Italy crying.
“Italy? Are you okay?” Germany asked.
Italy got up and ran out of Germany’s house, brushing past Germany.
Hey, guys. Remember the episode where England did this exact same thing to Italy, and Italy was mildly upset but inquired Germany about it, because that’s the kind of guy he is?
Yeah, I miss that Italy.
Germany grabbed Italy’s arm. “Italy, what’s wrong?”
Italy struggled and tried to break away from Germany. But Germany just pulled Italy into his arms.
“No! Let me go!” Italy yelled, struggling to be let go.
Germany put his gloved hand on Italy’s face and pulled him into a kiss. Italy relaxed a little but pushed away and ran away when Germany tried to deepen the kiss.
Bearing in mind how strong Italy is compared to Germany, I have trouble imagining this.
Germany stood there confused for a bit. He walked into the house and looked at Prussia.
“What’s up, West?” Prussia said, smiling.
“What the hell did you do?!” Germany yelled.
Yes, Ludwig. Assume that it’s all you brother’s fault from nowhere.
“Mien Gott West, what makes you think I did anything?” Prussia went to the kitchen to get a beer.
Oh, Gilbo. You so German.
Germany followed him in. “Why was he crying?”
“He just started crying on his own. He said something about falling in love with someone else and wanting to break up with you.” Prussia took a drink of his beer as Germany ran out of the house to go find Italy.
Seems equally as legit.
————————
Italy ran over to France’s house. He was hoping France could help him get Germany to love him again.
A surprisingly strategic move. I’m impressed.
He knocked on the door and wiped away his tears.
Instead of France answering the door, Bella, France’s little sister, answered the door.
And what DO YOU represent?
“Bonjour Italy, What’s wrong?” Bella asked.
No, seriously. Who the fuck are you?!
Ciao Bella, Is France here?”
“No but I can help you.” Bella said. Italy nodded and Bella lead him to the living room. “Do you want me to make you some pasta?”
Two bits of dialogue and I already dislike this OC.
Italy nodded and made a quick pot of pasta. She placed a bowl of pasta in front of him. Italy just looked at the bowl. Tears were still flowing down his cheeks.
OH, THE DRAMA.
Bella sat on the floor next to him. She put her hand on his leg. “Are you okay?” she asked.
WHOAH, BELLA. WE JUST MET! YOU’RE MOVING FAR TOO FAST!
Italy shook his head. “Germany wants to break up with me. He found someone else, I guess. At least that’s what Prussia told me.”
“Prussia? Prussia said this?” Italy nodded and Bella started to laugh. “Oh my! What does he know?! I talked to Germany last night and he told me he couldn’t love anyone more than he loved you.” she said.
AND WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE BE INTERESTED IN YOU, UNIMPORTANT OC?
Italy sniffled. “Really?”
“Yes!” Bella said.
“So he isn’t leaving me?! Fantastico!” Italy said happily. Italy leaned down and gave Bella a big hug.
Oi, Italy. You may want to visit a psychiatrist about that bi-polarness.
———————-
Germany Ran to Italy’s house and pounded on the door.
Romano answered the door and he was in a skimpy, little French maid outfit.
Germany blushed deep red and covered his eyes. Romano got pissed and covered himself with a blanket.
…WHAT THE HELL?
“What the hell do you want?” Romano yelled.
“Is Italy here?” Germany asked, keeping his eyes covered.
Germany. It’s a maids outfit.
NOW MAN THE FUCK UP, AND LOOK AT HIM.
“Eat lead you potato sucking bastard. He’s at France’s. Now fuck off, I’m busy.” Romano said, slamming the door in Germany’s face.
I’m sorry, but what just happened?
I mean…
There was Romano.
THEN GERMANY.
Then there was a maid outfit…
It was all a blur!
Germany ran to France’s. He stopped in front of France’s to catch his breath. He looked through France’s living room window and saw Italy with Bella. He ran away when he saw Italy hug Bella.
Jesus fucking Christ.
This started out alright.
But then slowly descended into STUPID. AND SLOWLY DOWN INTO WTF.
WHY ARE PRUSSIA AND ROMANO TRYING TO BREAK THEM UP?WHO IS BELLA?
AND WILL WE EVER FIND OUT WHY ROMANO WAS WEARING A… MAID’S OUTFIT?
Post with 4 notes
Review: ReaderxN.Italy (Featuring Mr. Bragin- I mean, Russia).
Thankfully, today’s review is fairly short.
Thankfully.
This one was submitted in by anon, not sure of what website origin, but it’s a readerxN.Italy (I’m presuming it’s from dA, then. That’s where all the xReader fanfiction tablescrapsseem to end up D;
Let’s begin.
Today was your first day of high school. It was a beautiful day outside. The sky was a clear beautiful blue. You sat under a shady evergreen tree. You pulled out your lunch of (your favorite lunch) and began to eat.
This opening isn’t too bad, but it feels very rushed. It’s my first day of school, huh? It’d be nice to have seen some description of how reader-tan had felt through her first day, or how the lessons had actually gone.
Also, the ‘(your favourite lunch)’ part is pretty fucking unnecessary. You could have said something along the lines of ‘you pulled out your lunchbox; fortunately, you found it packed with your favourite lunch’. The story flows better without the DIRECT interruptions of the brackets for you to add your parts in, but it still gives lee-way for the reader’s imagination, and keeps to the second-person narrative in which xReaders are meant to be written in.
“Hello, bella can I sit next to you? ” said a happy voice said above you.
Feli, stop flying. That shit isn’t good for you.
Also, why the fuck do you want to suddenly sit next to me?
You looked up towards him and saw a brunette Italian man with a cute curl smiling at you.
…How does reader-tan distinguish he’s Italian? Maybe from the accent, but there’s no justification other than direct assumption going on here.
‘Wow he looks kinds cute. And the blue sky makes him look even better.’ you thought as you began to blush.
IN WHAT WAY DOES THE SKY MAKE HIM LOOK BETTER? WHAT THE HELL?
“Oh it is you (name)! ~ Don’t you remember I used to live next with my fratello and grandpa. ” he said as he sat next to you anyway.
...Wait, I think you fucked up with this sentence, Author. I’m getting the impression that Italy used to live ‘next DOOR’. Any particular insight on why we didn’t recognise him at first, when he recognised reader-tan?
…I didn’t think so.
“Oh hi Feli, and no I did not forget about you ” you replied in a soft as you blushed more.
Again with missing out random words. I believe you were meant to say ‘replied in a soft TONE/VOICE/ECT’?
‘Why am I blushing so much.’
God knows. Maybe I’m ill. Its probably not because I have a crush on this Italian guy, or anything. No, that’d probably be explained (!).
Also, Author, you’re missing a question mark.
“Oh I have to go see my friends from Germany and Japan. Bye bella. “
And he knows he’s got to go now, how?
Feliciano shouted as he ran back into the school.
“Bye Feli! ” you shouted back as you waved good bye to your friend.
~~THE NEXT DAY DURING GYM CLASS~~
“We are going outside because its a beautiful day, da.” explained your teacher you nicknamed Russia.
OKAY. LET’S GET THIS SPEECH QUIRK SORTED OUT.
As a native speaker, I can safely say that ‘da’ means yes.
So, translated, the sentence he said would be ‘We are going outside because it is a beautiful day, yes.”
Why does he say ‘yes’ at THE END OF THE SENTENCE? THERE IS NO FUCKING POINT.
Also, since I’m guessing this is Gauken!hetalia (correct me if I’m wrong here), why is Russia a teacher? WHY HAVE YOU NICKNAMED HIM RUSSIA? IS IT BECAUSE HE’S RUSSIAN? THAT SEEMS RATHER MEAN.
WOULD YOU CALL THE INDIAN KID ‘INDIA’? Or the Mexican guy ‘Mexico’? Uh, well. I don’t know about you guys, but I wouldn’t.
“Yes, Mr. Braginski!” the class said in reply as they ran outside.
You decided to play tennis. While you were out reaching for the tennis racket, a hand grabbed the same racket that you were getting.
“Hey this is mine, bug off!” you said as you pulled the racket.
Then you heard a familiar voice chant “I’m sorry!” over and over again. You looked up to see your childhood friend, Feli above you, again.
“No no no, I am sorry Feli! ” you said as you blushed„” you play I can watch.”
“Really? Grazie! ” he said as he gave you a big hug.
‘What is wrong with me? I think I might be in LOVE with Feli!!!’ you shouted in your mind.’ I never knew what it felt like. I just hopes he accepts me.’
…This is just too fucking cheesy.
“Hey bella! ~ Look at me, ve. ” the enegertic Italian said as he went to go get the ball that, his German friend Ludwig served.
“Doing great, Feli!” you responded as you gave a thumbs up.
Although it would have been nice to have SOME description of how ‘great’ he was.
~~AFTER SCHOOL ~~
You had spent your whole day trying to catch a glance at Feliciano everytime you had a chance.
I’m a stalker. Well, that’s fucking fantastic.
You had many quick conversations. Everytime you tried to ask him out you would get nervous. So here you were walking home with the Vargas brothers, Lovino and Feliciano. You walked in between them on your way to a piazza place, Lovino and his friend Antoino works at
You snick your hands into Feli’s as you were walking. You were also laughing at the new time Ludwig got mad at him for missing his tutoring lessons.
“Hey Feli, it would be nice if we could stay like this forever.” you said as you sighed
I am incredibly open about my feelings, it seems.
“What did you say, ve~.” said Feli
Oh, Author. You were doing so well without fucking up on the speech quirks TOO much (except for ‘Mr. Russia’. That cannot be forgiven)!
WHY IS HE SAYING ‘VE’?
THAT SPEECH QUIRK IS ONLY IN THE JAPANESE VERSION OF HETALIA.
ARE WE SPEAKING IN JAPANESE? ODD, BECAUSE WE NEVER GOT ANY EXPLANATION ON HOW WE HAVE COME TO SUDDENLY START TALKING IN JAPANESE.
IS EVERYONE ELSE TALKING IN JAPANESE, TOO?
“Nevermind .” you sigh again.
~~AT HOME~~
“So did you have a good time, sweetheart?” asked your mom.
“yes I did. Even though Lovino got really mad at Antoino and got us kicked out, again. ” you replied like it normally happened.
‘Did you ask that boy out yet? “
WAIT WHAT? YOU’RE TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER AFTER THE SECOND DAY OF SCHOOL. ISN’T THIS A BIT EARLY FOR ME TO BE ASKING HIM OUT, MOM?
AND FOR THAT MATTER, WHY DO YOU KNOW THAT I LIKE HIM? WHY WOULD I TELL MY MOM ABOUT A SMALL CRUSH I HAD ON SOMEONE ON THE FIRST DAY?
“No, mom. I just get to nervous.” you replied as you began to shift around.
” Do not be attains you are such a lovely girl.”
…What?
“Okay mom I will as on Sunday, okay? “
~~~SUNDAY MORNING ~~~
“Hey, Feli this may sound weird but, can we maybe go out sometime?”
Shock and horror (!), what a motherfucking cliffhanger.
Honestly, this story could have been a lot worse. But it was pretty damn rushed, and the grammar, pacing and characterization were really off. Not to mention, hardly anything is properly developed, so I feel nothing for reader-tan and her asking Feli out.
Also, why am I meeting up with him on a Sunday morning? There’s so many random, unexplained details which make the story seem all over the place.
Not the worst, but certainly not the best.
