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18th December 2012

Post with 5 notes

Review: Weight Chapter Three (IT GETS EVEN CREEPIER).

YOU ALL KNEW IT WAS COMING.

UPON POPULAR REQUEST, HERE IS THE LOSS OF OUR SANITY.


Weight

Chapter Three

Authors Notes: Hey everyone, thank you for your reviews and favorites, they make me really happy. I own nothing once again :)

Warning: USUK

America was awoken an hour later by a smiling England holding a tray full of food.

Of course. Food.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he sat the tray on his nightstand so he could help America get situated enough to eat his lunch.

Wait, the phrasing on this seems a little off. You’ve used the root of ‘sat’ a few too any times with the inclusion of ‘sitting’ and ‘sat’. You’re just repeating yourself here, so please try and use one or the other. I suggest you modify the second one as it doesn’t work quite as well. Perhaps saying something along the lines of ‘put’ would be a little better?

Once America was sat up, he began his protests.

“I’m not hungry England.” he whined, still feeling self conscious about his weight. Even if England supposedly did love him, that didn’t make the weight go away.

“America, you need to eat! Look, everything I’ve prepare for you is healthy, and it has vitamins you need to stay healthy! Please eat it, love.”

Okay, a few things. 

One, nothing that England could make could in any way be ‘healthy’. Secondly, if America DOES want to lose weight, and he will not damage his health by doing so then he should be free to do so. It’s a personal choice, and England shouldn’t be forcing him food, a ‘nurturer’ or not.

America looked at the plate frowning. It was fish and chips, his favorite from when he was a child. He had to admit that fish did have health benefits, and he was hungry,

OKAY. LADIES AND GENTS, LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH.

We here at WTF Hetaliafanfiction are all British. Or, at least have lived in England and are currently doing so. And despite it being a popular and a frankly delicious dish, fish and chips is not healthy, nor ‘breakfast food’.

Fish and chips is battered, deepfried and heavy-in-fat fish which is often accompanied by equally as fatty tartare sauce.

Chips are, as you across the pond would call them, deep fried ‘french fries’.

In all, this most likely has more calories than a big mac meal. 

IT IS NOT HEALTHY, AND WE DO NOT EAT IT ON A NORMAL, DAILY BASIS. THANK YOU.

but remembering all of their laughing faces and being publicly humiliated made him refuse the meal. Anything he put into his mouth would only add to his monstrous weight and add fuel to their insults and pranks.

“No dude, I just can’t…”

“America… Well, what if I helped you eat it? Would that be all right? We could share this meal.”

Actually a very good tactic in losing weight! 

No, really. It’s an awesome way to cut your calories and share them with a friend!

Good Author, well done for getting something right!

America looked at his trembling hands and shook his head, “No, I told you I can’t. Not after today…” he explained finally being honest.

England’s heart swelled in guilt, sadness and fury all at once. He wanted to punish France and Prussia even more than he did outside of the Starbucks, but at the same time he wanted to punish himself. If he had just been there for America, then maybe America wouldn’t feel as insecure as he did.

“Are you really going to listen to that frog, America? He thinks eating snails is a delicacy, when I scrape them out from underneath my shoes everyday after I walk through my garden!

Technically the French eat a specially bred snail. England would know this.

And don’t even get me started on that douche Prussia!

Weren’t they friends at one point? Up until the first world war Britain was pretty good pals with the Germanics (while hating the French. This of course flipped around in WW1).

They’re both stupid idiots, who are probably just jealous!”

Of what, your rolls?

he yelled taking America’s shoulders into his hands.

“Do you even know what it’s like to be fat England? They laugh at you when you do eat, and they laugh at you when you don’t eat! I can never win, so what’s the point? At least this way I’ll drop the weight, even if they do laugh at my attempts!”

Or, you could, I don’t know, NOT LISTEN TO THEM?

“America, this isn’t the way to lose weight, there are healthier ways poppet!

He never called anyone ‘poppet’ in canon.

Stop that.

And besides, I don’t think you need to lose weight at all.”

Great to know you think so, Arthur! HOWEVER, LOSING WEIGHT IS AMERICA’S CHOICE. HIS BODY, HIS RULES.

America turned over in his bed, looking away from England. He wondered vaguely if this was another attempt to humiliate him. Why else would England be saying such nice things, he’s just trying to get me to believe them, so he can laugh at how stupid I am later, he thought taking his glasses off of his nightstand so he could see his former mentor better.

“Dude, I know this is a joke to you! Why don’t you just take me to the Jerry Springer show so you can humiliate me and beat the crap out of me? It would save a lot of time!” he yelled at the unsuspecting Brit.

You poor, insecure bastard. 

I feel so sorry for how out of character you are, Al.

I wonder how painful it must be.

“America, I told you that I loved you, what kind of monster would joke about something like that? I meant what I said ducky,

…

‘DUCKY’.

and I have no intention of hurting you ever again! Now, you’re going to sit up and let me feed you this meal, and you’re going to like it!” England scolded the younger nation.

A bolt of electricity went up America’s spine after England had gotten so dominant with him. It was like someone had set fire to his cheeks. Blushing, the American opened his mouth, letting the older man spoon feed him like an infant.

Ew.

Ewewewewew…

“I can eat on my own…” he said puffing out his rosy cheeks in embarrassment.

The older nation ignored him, too caught up in the pleasure of feeding America.

I FEEL SO DIRTY READING THIS.

Watching the boy eat was like watching pornography to him,

but physically feeding America felt like the most erotic act he’d ever preformed in his long life.

He would shutter when America ate a particularly large bite of the fish, and little shocks would fly down south at the teasing little bites he took of the chips.

It was intoxicating.

Meanwhile, America was blushing like never before. Having the older man pamper him in such a way, was enough to make his knees turn into jello. Every time England would bring a fork full of food to his mouth, he’d look down shyly, making his chubby cheeks appear even chubbier, which England completely adored.

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

ENGLAND, THIS IS NOT HEALTHY.

YOU NEED HELP.

America needed something to do with his hands, so he took to twiddling his fingers, much to older mans delight. England just wanted to eat the boy up (no pun intended).

“You’re enjoying this a little too much, aren’t you?” America asked before taking another bite.

Poor Alfred. You have No idea.

England blushed and sputtered, nearly dropping the fork, “It’s just… being this close to you it making me all hot and bothered.” he lied not wanting to admit his secret fetish.

Having a fetish or kink is one thing. But when it comes to brutally making life decisions for someone else over them, then that’s going too far.

“No, that’s not it… You know this reminds me of the Tyra Banks show, where that guy was extremely turned on by feeding his wife. He also liked that she was so overweight… Wait a second, do I look as big as that women? Is that why you’re attracted to me?” America yelled in horror.

“Yes, and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling nations and your cat!”

“No, no America, that’s not it at all! I’ve never even seen that show, so how would I know? I mean, yes I do get really hot watching you eat, I’m not going to lie about that,” England began taking America’s face in his hands, making them both blush, “But, you’re not even big.

Well, this is going AGAINST EVERYTHING THE AUTHOR HAS TOLD US.

It could be called VERY complex writing to bring forward that the narrator COULD be lying, but who are we kidding? The author can’t be as complex as to do that! We’re just being given two different things, yay!

You have a slight pudge that makes you look adorable, but you’re far from obese America! And even if you were obese I’d still love you!”

America’s heart melted at the Brits words, but he also couldn’t help the gnawing feeling in his stomach, “You think I’m pudgy?” he pouted.

“Yes, but in the most adorable way! When you were running around this house naked, I had to stop myself from biting your cute arse!

WHY WOULD YOU TELL HIM THAT YOU CREEP

It was just bouncing up and down with each step…” England trailed off getting lost in the memory.

America’s voice cut his thoughts short, “You really like me?” he asked shyly, blushing at England’s comments about his behind.

“I love you…” he whispered.

“But you’re such a chubby chaser!”

WHAT? DID AMERICA JUST BECOME THE FIC’S VOICE OF REASON?!?!

“Your point?”

“Why did you make fun of me? It really hurt me, I thought you hated me… Everyone else calling me fat, I could have handled, if you had been there for me. I had no one on my side… Well except Canada, but no one listens to him most of the time…”

“Who’s Canada?”

“Ugh, my point exactly!”

“Anyway… I don’t know, I guess I just started doing it out of immaturity. You know when a little boy likes a little girl in grade school, and he’s mean to here just to cover up the fact that he likes her… Well that is what I was doing. I feel like a bloody wanker because of it though…”

“You know, that would be kind of cute if I didn’t feel like shit…”

“Hmm… Well, why don’t I get you an ice cream cone? I know it wont make everything better, but it’ll be like a date.”

America looked away from England embarrassed, “Only if you get one too. I’m not eating alone.”

England gagged at the thought of ice cream, but choked it down, “I’ll get something, I promise, but I can’t guaranty it’ll be ice cream… I’ll get a doughnut or something.”

*Guarantee, dipshit.

Scooting closer to America, the older nation took him into his arms, in a sweet embrace. Appreciating the hug, America snuggled into England’s shoulder, squishing his cheek cutely into this mans collar bone. Blushing, England lowered his hands, in order to play with America’s stomach pudge.

RUN, AMERICA. RUN!

America whined.

“Ugh, stop playing with it, it’s so gross! I don’t see what you like about it!” he said pulling away from the Brit, who still had his fingers wrapped around America’s pudge.

“It’s so soft and cute!” he said pressing his fingers into it, causing America to giggle.

“There’s nothing cute about it! I’m a big blubbery whale! Look at it, it’s like jello!”

“Well you know what they say, there’s always room for jello, baby~” he purred seductively.

England puckered his lips, and began lowering America down onto the bed, merely ghosting his lips over the weight conscious nations. Once America was fully sprawled out beneath the him, the Brit swung a leg over America’s waist, and kissed him fully on his lips. Blushing, America’s eyes rolled into the back of his head. He’d never been kissed like this before. England lowered his hands once again to play with America’s cute little belly,

It was going quite nicely until we got back to the stomach fat. 

Nice.

but was interrupted by his cell phone ringing.

Raising up quickly, he opened his phone, “Who the bloody hell is this?” he yelled. That moment was perfect, and my bloody phone had to go and ruin it, England thought listening to the person on the other line.

“Hola, England? It’s Spain!” England rolled his eyes. Like I hadn’t figured that out, England thought as the Spaniard continued. “Germany wanted me to tell you that the second half of the meeting is rescheduled for tomorrow morning, because all he did when everyone got back was yell at Prussia and France.”

England smirked, “Did they cry?”

“Que? Well France did, but Prussia just kind of sat there and took it.”

“It serves them right! I’m not done with them yet, you make sure to tell them that!”

“Si, I will. I tried to stop them, I really did! I just can’t stand to see anyone hurting someone over something so simple as weight. My Romano was weight conscious at one point too, and I’d punch out anyone who even looked at him funny!”

…

Wait, what?

Romano.

Weight conscious?

UH.

ARE WE LOOKING AT THE SAME CHARACTER HERE?

“Oh I see, that was very nice of you Spain.”

“It was nothing, I couldn’t even stop them. Is America okay?”

England smiled and handed America the phone, “He wants to know if you’re okay.”

“Hello Spain?” America said reluctantly.

“Mi amigo, are you all right? What France and Prussia did today was completely out of line today! I tried to stop them, and I kept asking if you were okay, but you must have been in a trance or something!”

“I will be… I’ve got England here for me now, so I’ll be okay with time…” he said honestly, looking at England lovingly. The Brit was stroking his fingers down America’s neck causing him to blush and stutter.

“T-thanks for ch-checking on me.”

“No problem, I’ll let you get back to your love making now~”

I know you’re a romantic country, Antonio, but that was a little Out of Character?

Spain said hanging up before America could protest.

Handing England his phone, he laid back onto his bed, “England… did I hear Spain say we had a meeting tomorrow?”

England stopped his gentle caresses and stared at America becoming worried, “Oh no, maybe we should reschedule!”

Why? What would that achieve? Nothing happened to America. Prussia wouldn’t be allowed in, and everyone would most likely oppose Francis for taking part in ‘humiliating’ America (Although the ‘prank’ they pulled ACHIEVED LITERALLY NOTHING, THEREFORE MAKING IT COMPLETELY USELESS). Germany, who leads majorit of the meetings is on their side. They’d gain more than they’d lose.

The younger nation shook his head, “No, England. I have to prove to them that I’m not a coward. I’m going!”

“America, I don’t know what I’ll do if someone says anything to you, I’m likely to snap.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine… because I have you…”

England blushed, “I’m still punching anyone out if they say anything about your weight!”

Okay, I still don’t understand. Is America fat or not? England goes through mood swings of saying he is and then he isn’t and I have no idea WHAT THE FUCK TO IMAGINE OR WHAT TO AGREE WITH?

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, dude!”

Nice of you to condone violence, ‘murica.

I’m such a hopeless romantic,

Yeah, well, you’re not very good at writing it, either.

stay tuned for chapter four to find out what happens at the meeting! Thank you for reading!

Edit: I edited this, sorry for all the typos from before, it should be fine now.

You still had typos, idiot.
Chapter four, coming soon!

Tagged: usukfanficweight seriesfanfictionreviewcritiquehetaliaaphAxis Powers Hetaliaaph: americaalfred f jonesaph: englandarthur kirklandAPH:SpainAntonio Fernandez Carriendothis sucks

6th August 2012

Post with 3 notes

Review: Weight (A USUK fanfic gone… Slightly disturbing and worryingly creepy).

Well, hello, there. Sorry about the wait, we’ve been trying to find you guys fanfics that are quite worth reviewing on this blog. I believe we’ve found the one WTF enough.

Please do remember that this blog is not only for ‘bad’ fanfics. We’re called ‘WTF Hetalia fanfiction’. However, bad writing and what-the-fuckery seem to go hand in hand.

This fanfic… Well, let’s just get started.

Weight

Authors Notes: I own nothing. I’ve wanted to write this fic for a long time now, because I feel like there aren’t enough of these.

Trust me. There are.

Warning: USUK

America had been getting chubby lately, but it didn’t mean that everyone had to point it out like they did. America owned a mirror, and he could see it was getting out of hand. For everyone to constantly tease him about it was just cruel.

Ugh, and from the first paragraph, we’re already questioning what the hell is going on. Firstly, is there any reason WHY America has been gaining so much weight recently? I mean, it’s canon that he eats A LOT. But he’s pretty slim any way. There’s a few theories on why this is the case (Having a super high mentabolism, ect.), but him having a large apetite is a part of his character. Is his mentabolism slowing down? Are you representing something going on in the country by making him suddenly become chubby?

EXPLAIN, AUTHOR! EXPLAIN!

Well not everyone teased him about it, it was mostly just the allied nations. Japan was way too polite to say anything about it, which America was grateful for, and Germany and Italy didn’t really care to say anything. America guessed they figured it was none of their business, which it wasn’t. The people who mentioned it the most, were the people who he loved the most.

You’re implying that there’s a multiple amount of people he ‘loves’. The only one I can really guess here is England (Not because this is a USUK fic, but because of their history), but then again, at the moment, he wouldn’t even admit to caring about England’s opinion. I can’t really see him giving a shit about anyone else. So… Why would you make that a plural? WHY WOULD YOU MENTION IT AT ALL?

At world meetings, when it was America’s turn to talk someone always brought up his weight issue. Usually it was France or England, and sometimes even China. They brought it up in the disguise of concern for the young nations health, but it always quickly escalated to insults.

And America gives a shit about what everyone else is saying because…?

America was in his own personal hell, when he woke up the morning of a world meeting. It was his turn to host, which gave the other countries every opportunity to take a jab at his chubbiness.

Hey, America.. I think I have a suggestion for you.

IF YOU’RE SO GODDAMN BOTHERED BY IT, LOSE THE FUCKING WEIGHT. OR, I DON’T KNOW, JUST DON’T LISTEN TO THEM? If it’s really that big of a problem, he would just go and see a bloody professional! It’s not that big of a deal!

Slowly, getting out of bed, he reached for his glasses and reluctantly slid this onto his chubby face. He desperately wanted to skip it, but that would be impossible because they were in his country.

Okay, I understand the writer for trying to add complexity to America’s weight problem by making him insecure. But trust me, it’s hardly developed. There’s NO backstory to it, NO DEVELOPMENT, no nothing! For some reason, in the fanfic, Alfred is suddenly as insecure as a bloody teenage girl! I’m sorry, but out of all the countries, the one that I’d least expect to be so insecure is AMERICA. Maybe, with a bit of development on HOW he got to this stage, I’d find it understandable. I could possibly even relate to his conflict.

HOWEVER.

Because of the lack of development, we are presented with an Alfred WHO IS SIMPLY OOC. That, along with the FUCKING CREEPY CHUBBY-CHASER ARTHUR (which we will get to, SOON), is the BIGGEST problem with this fic.

Putting on his clothes were a nightmare. His khaki’s were tight, and his white button up shirt would barely do their job and button.

If they’re so tight, why don’t you just get some new clothes, you bloody idiot?!

Skipping breakfast, he headed out the door and hailed a taxi cab. It was time to go to the circus, and put on a show as the only freak.

Skipping breakfast is not a good way to lose weight, dipshit.

Neither is getting no excercise.

No, seriously, I’ve read the whole fanfic up to date, and in NONE OF THE CHAPTERS SO FAR does Alfred get any excercise! Nor does he TRY to actually lose weight!

…I think I can see why he’s so fat.

In the taxi their words echoed through his head.

You’re so fat America!

Someone is eating too many burgers!

…That one is pretty true, though.

Fatso!

Isn’t that American sociolect?

…Which of the countries is yelling that at him?!

You’re such a pig!

Shaking his head to get rid of the hurtful thoughts, he looked at the taxi driver in the rear view mirror, “How are you doing?” the driver asked raising his eyebrows

“Living the dream,” America replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

The cab driver laughed as he braked in front of the conference building, “Have a good day!”

“Thanks, you too!” he yelled running into the building.

Once he arrived in the conference room, he noticed that he and England were the first to arrive. England had gotten there before him and was doodling on the black board like he always did. America was silent as he sat down in his chair. Pulling his brief case into his lap, he opened it and took out a burger he had stashed inside just in case he got hungry. Deciding to eat the burger before the rest of the nations arrived, he took a large bite.

Who the fuck eats a hamburger for-

Oh, right. America.

Savoring the taste as he chewed, he didn’t notice England staring at him with a strange look on his face, “Aren’t you fat enough America?” he said, unsure of his words.

…I’ll agree with England here. If you find yourself so fat, and have a problem with it…

Why don’t you try and substitute the fucking burgers?

The young nation looked from England to his burger, and tossed the meal into the trash, spitting out the bite he had just took into a napkin. Hunger pains brought tears to his eyes, but he decided in favor of forcing them down to prove a point to the Brit.

And what point is THAT? No, seriously, what is he trying to prove? O_o

For a slit second, a flash of guilt appeared on England’s face, “Hey, America I didn’t me-“

Then why did you say it, dipshit?

His words were interrupted by several other nations walking into the room. Popping some gum into his mouth to hide the smell of the burger and hold him over until lunch time, America looked at England, “Were you going to say something?”

The other nations were staring at the two, smirks plastered on a couple of their faces. England looked at them and swallowed his apology in favor of following the crowd, “No, you burger eating git!” he said making America’s empty stomach clench in sadness.

OOOH, MY STOMACH! IT CLENCHES IN SADNESS!

“Oh…”

Sitting down in his seat next to America, England’s own stomach clenched, but not in sadness, in guilt. As the meeting progressed, America’s stomach began to growl louder and louder. And with each growl, the more guilt England felt.

…England can hear it?

…Oh God, best mental image. So, there’s the world confrence, and everyone’s sitting down…

And suddenly America’s stomach starts being all GROWLY AS FUCK AND RUMBLING AND ALL THE COUNTRIES ARE LOOKING AT HIM LIKE “LOLWTF?”

…What?

I found it funny.

Why did he listen to me? Why does he care what I say? Has he been eating at all? Maybe I just stopped him from eating the only meal he’ll eat today! England thought, looking at his lap in shame. Maybe I should invite him for lunch…

“Hey America, do you want to go to lunch with me later?” he asked hoping the depressed American would say yes.

America looked at the Brit with his eyebrows knit together, “No thanks, I’m not hungry.”

He’s lying, I can hear his stomach growling! England thought scooting closer to America.

In reality, England actually liked watching America eat.

He was a closet nurturer, and he always worried about America’s diet. He was like those grandmothers who wanted to do nothing more than stuff their grandchildren until they were nice, plump, and healthy looking. Not to mention he thought watching America eat was completely sexy.

I just gagged a bit.

Of course, he couldn’t let the other nations know that. He’d be made into a pariah just like America.

“Oh come now, we can’t share a nice meal together?” England whispered, feeling the guilt eat away at his insides.

Don’t let him watch you eat, America! He’ll probably get aroused!

“No thanks dude, really… I’ve completely lost me appetite” he whispered, lying to his former care giver. Obviously, he was very hungry, but he couldn’t stand the looks of disgust people gave him when he ate, especially England’s.

Putting a hand on America’s knee, England looked to the front of the room where Germany was currently giving a lecture.

“Why are you touching me up, England?” Said America.

Suddenly, Germany said that it was America’s turn to speak. Looking at the other nations smirking faces, he knew the humiliation his former colony was about to face.

What humiliation? He’s just gotta talk.

“Recess!” he shouted, wanting save the American from humiliation.

More American sociolect. England wouldn’t say ‘recess’. Probably break, or time-out, or something like that.

Every nation looked at England like he had just slapped them in the face, for taking away their fun.

WHAT BLOODY FUN?!

“We’ve been sitting for a long time, and I desperately need to stretch my legs.” he explained to the German in charge.

Germany looked from America to England, understanding what the Englishmen was getting at, “Ja, we’ll go to lunch now. Everyone be back here in an hour and thirty minutes.”

…That’s a BLOODY LONG LUNCH BREAK. SWEET FUCKING JESUS.

Everyone stood up from their respective chairs and left the room, eager to eat lunch. All except America and England of course.

“Come on, love. I know you’re hungry, I could hear your tummy rumbling all through the meeting.”

America shook his head, “No, my stomach is just upset.” he lied again.

“America, please come with me, I’m sorry about what I said before.”

England, I know you want to watch America stuff his face for your pleasure, but he’s saying NO. You’re getting creepy ;A;

“Oh please, if you were really sorry you would have apologized in front of everyone, instead of making this feeble attempt to help yourself sleep better at night. I don’t want you feeling sorry for me England, and I damn sure don’t want to be your charity case!” America scolded, making a few left over nations gawk at them.

“No, poppet, it’s not like that at all! I just want to spend time with you!” England explained, truly wanting to make it up to the insecure nation.

…

…

…DID ENGLAND JUST SAY ‘POPPET’?

OH GOD, IT MUST BE 2P IN DISGUISE! D8

ALFRED, RUN!

“This is probably some trick to make me look like an idiot in public, so no thank you England! I refuse to be the butt of your joke!”

As the American began walking away, England followed him. The young nation reminded him when he was a little boy and got mad at England and stomped off somewhere in a huff. At that point he would offer the boy a sweet to make up for it, but he had a feeling that right now it wasn’t going to work.

“America… if you come back, I’ll get you an ice cream cone…” he tempted the young man who was now walking down a sidewalk in New York.

“Shut up England!” he yelled thinking the Brit was taking another jab at his weight.

“No, America I didn’t mean it that way!”

Taking refuge inside a nearby Starbucks, America sat down at a table ready to start bawling. Deciding it wouldn’t hurt to get a latte, he stood up and fought back his tears as he glided up to the counter.

“Can I get a grande vanilla latte please?” he said taking out his credit card.

Sweet jesus, that’s a lot of calories.

As America started paying, England walked into the Starbucks, and got behind him, sneaking his hand into the American’s

HE’S TOUCHING YOU UP AGAIN. RUN, ALFRED, RUN!

“England! I thought I got rid of you!”

“Are we eating here? There’s not much to choose from, but I guess if you want to, we can.” he said ignoring the others protest.

“England, I told you I didn’t want your pity, go eat with France or something.”

Scrunching up his nose in disgust, “I don’t like France, you know that.”

“I’m not going to eat in front of you, and have you make fun of me again!”

Good choice. He might try to jack off while watching you.

The cashier was looking between them, with tears in her eyes. She was a lot more chubby than America, and knew his pain,

Uh… What?

Erm, what pain? Am I missing something here?

America just told England to bugger off because he didn’t like people watching him eat. He didn’t say WHY, so what is this random fat cashier relating this to?! WHAT IS GOING ON?!

“Arthur, you’re making the cashier upset! Go sit down, I’ll order for you!” he shouted giving in just to make England go sit down.

Well, it’s not Arthur’s fault that the cashier is so damn unprofessional.

“I’m sorry we upset you.” England apologized to the girl, hating to see women cry whether they were big or small.

“It’s okay… Can I take your order?” she said wiping her tears away.

I hope you get fired.

“Tea, two sandwiches, and a cupcake, please?” he ordered, thickening his accent in order to charm her.

Isn’t his accent already fairly thick? What, is he going to start going at full cockney?

Because that isn’t charming AT ALL.

She blushed and wrote down his order.

“Is that all?”

“Yes, thank you ducky.”

DUCKY.

DUCKY.

WHEN THE FUCK DID ENGLAND EVER SAY ‘DUCKY’ IN THE SERIES. IT ISN’T ANYWHERE NEAR ENGLISH SOCIOLECT OR SLANG. MAYBE ‘LOVE’ OR ‘SWEETIE’ OR SOMETHING. BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS ‘DUCKY’?! WHERE DID IT COME FROM?

Walking over to the counter where they would claim their order, America started looking around himself, paranoid that there would be a trap or prank waiting for him, “You must be hungry England, since you ordered two sandwiches and a cupcake.”

“I’m not eating them love, you are.”

I understand that Alfred is nearly a man (He’s nineteen. Still growing? I have no bloody clue.), but seriously? One sandwich I can barely finish! Ugh, thinking of having to stuff my face with TWO makes me feel bloody ill.

“I told you that I wasn’t hungry!”

“America, be a good boy and eat your lunch, it’s unhealthy to skip meals!”

“I said I didn’t want anything. We’re in a coffee shop England, because all I wanted was coffee. If I wanted a sandwich I would have gone to Subway!”

Before England could reply their order was brought to them. America only grabbed his coffee, while England grabbed his tea and other treats he would continue to beg America to eat.

Once they were seated, England continued to try to persuade America to eat, “America… please eat… this behavior is starting to scare me, poppet. I’m sorry about earlier, I just… I don’t know why I said it! Yes I do, it’s because I’m a big wanker… Please eat…”

“They all laugh at me…” America whispered, on the verge of tears once more.

“They’re not here now America…” he said sliding the food towards the starving American, feeling a pang of guilt in his chest.

America reluctantly took a sandwich into his hands, and unwrapped the plastic that was protecting it from germs and other parasites. Slowly, he took a small bite, causing England to blush and squirm in his seat.

I suddenly feel ALL DIRTY INSIDE.

God, I’m a perverted bugger, he thought watching America take a few more bites.

UGHHH I WANNA VOMIT.

Secretly, the Brit also loved the extra pounds America had recently put on. His chubby cheeks and slightly plump belly made England completely hot for the young man.

And don’t even get him started on his arse. That’s why he was always over compensating, by making fun of the plump nation.

I just vomited in my mouth.

“Eat more, America… You’re still so young and you need nourishment.”

“Dude, my bodies nineteen, I think I’m done with puberty.”

“Actually, young men still grow in their early twenties-” England was interrupted the site of three other nations walking into the Starbucks. It was France, Prussia, and Spain. France and Prussia were walking extremely fast to get to the now blushing American. Spain however was hot on their tails, trying to get them to stop whatever they were planning.

“Well hello Amerique. I see your eating again as always. Don’t you think you’ve had enough food for the day~” France teased. America bit his lip and looked at his lap.

“Shut it Frog, don’t you have something better to do?” England scolded, standing up from his chair.

“We just thought America could use a little strawberry shake.” Prussia said approaching the humiliated American.

America was fighting back tears as the ex nation poured the milkshake all over his head.

Had that been a slushie, I would have thought that Prussia had been watching too much glee. BUT WHY? WHAT IS GOING ON? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? BECAUSE HE’S FAT? Well, God, that’s a bit of an asshole move.

The entire cafe was looking at the nations in shock. Some were gasping and felt sorry for the pink covered nation, while others were laughing and pointing with no remorse at their own countries pain.

America just sat their for a moment, staring off into space. He couldn’t hear England curses at Prussia and France. He couldn’t hear Spain’s apologies and questions of ‘Are you all right, amigo?’ All he heard was the laughter, when suddenly he stood up, finally letting the tears fall freely, much to the four nations surprise.

Looking at England as if he had just killed his puppy, he cried, “How could you do this to me…?”

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEE?

Without giving the shocked Brit time to explain himself, America ran out of the store, crying harder than he had ever cried before.

Before you ask, yes, I’m going to review the later chapters. Because they get even more FUCKING CREEPY and even more full of BULLSHIT.

I’m sorry, but WOW. Good God, for a fanfic written about a bunch of personified countries, I never thought it could get this unrealistic. America is now a whiny bitch, England… England is just FUCKING CREEPY, and the rest aren’t that much better.

If you’re going to write a fanfic like this, at least give it some backstory! Why is Alfred suddenly so overweight?! Why is he a whiny bitch about it? What caused him to become so out of character? Seriously! He just seems out of character, and that isn’t GOOD.

Tagged: APH fanficAPH: EnglandAPH: GermanyAPH:AmericaAPH:FranceAPH:PrussiaAPH:SpainAxis Powers HetaliaFanfic reviewHetaliaHetalia fanficScaryUSUKUSUK fanficbadficfanficfanfictionreviewfailfatAlfred JonesArthur Kirkland

17th June 2012

Post with 2 notes

Review: EnglandxReader-Summer Visit! (I’m not sure what the hell is even going on in this one.. OTL)

Good day, dear followers, and welcome to a yet another review.

It seems that xReaders are just a treasure trove of ‘what-the-fuckkery’, and deviantArt is just a treasure trove of xReaders; so it kind of makes sense that we have a YET ANOTHER fic from there. Let’s get started.

You were at the world meeting again,

Alright, first things first. I am at the world meeting. Does that make me a country?

not paying attention to America’s “hero” speech. You were siting next to Canada and England as always.

…Why am I always sitting next to Canada and England? WHY CAN I SEE CANADA?

You were staring out the window, blocking out America’s voice completely when suddenly America asked you a question. 

”______? You agree with me right?” America asked with THAT grin on his face.
‘Huh? Agree about what?! Damn it!’ Your inner-self yelled.

*I* Would know if I paid attention at a seemingly important meeting where they discuss ‘world issues’. But, fuck it. I don’t need to pay attention to that shit.


 Everyone in the room remained silent, waiting for your answer with curiosity.
You fumbled with your hands, thinking hard about your answer. 
“Um s-sure?”
Holy shit, guys. Imagine if he had gone on about, like… Nuclear bombing the rest of the planet as his suggestion?
The everyone in the room gasped except for America who had the HUGEST smlie on his face when you answered.
…Why do I get the feeling that I was right about the nuclear bombs? O.E
The next thing you know, America is CRUSHING you in the longest and suffocating BEAR HUG you have ever been in.
“See?!? ________ agrees with me!” America shouted across the room.
It was getting kind of- who were you kidding?! YOU COULDN’T EVEN BREATH.

One, it’s ‘BREATHE’. With AN ‘E’. Why does everyone get this wrong? ‘Breath’ refers to taking a single, solitary breath. As in, ‘he/she took breath’. Breathe, or breathing refers to the action itself.

GET IT RIGHT.

“AMERICA FOR THE LOVE OF MAPLE LEAFS!! She can’t breath! Let her go!” Canada shouted, prying America off you.

I am having the time of my life trying to imagine Canada whisper-yelling that at him. Plus, isn’t America meant to have super strength? How the flying hell can Canada PRY him off of you?


 Everyone’s jaw dropped except for yours and Canada’s. “HOLLY SHIT! ENGLAND THERE’S GHOST!!!! GO AWAY!!!!” America screamed at the top of his lungs. “WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?!?”
WAIT. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
So, everyone thinks that there’s a ghost because Canada (successfully?) pried America off of you. Makes sense.
But why are they yelling ‘England’?! AND WHY IS AMERICA YELLING ‘BLOODY’?! AT LEAST I THINK THAT’S HIM.
AMERICA CAN SEE CANADA, THOUGH. THEY WERE EVEN PLAYING CATCH IN ONE EPISODE. WHY WOULD CANADA BEING THERE BE A SURPRISE?

THIS IS NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!
THAT WAS IT. FOR YOU AND CANADA. You and Canada were best friends, ever since you guys met.

WHY ARE WE BEST FRIENDS? WHY CAN I SUDDENLY SEE HIM? WHEN THE FUCK DID WE MEET? WHO AM I? A COUNTRY?  A PERSON? WHAT IS GOING ON?!


The next thing America knows, he is being SLAMED against the wall, gasping for air.

Who is doing this to America? Canada?
As for England, he was thrown out of his seat and pinned down, with you on top of him, gripping on his tie with your DEATH GRIP. 

WAIT, WHAT? WHY AM I PINNING ENGLAND DOWN? ALL HE DID WAS JUST SIT THERE IN AN ORDERLY FASHION? THIS IS ASSAULT!
“ITS CANADA. SECOND BIGGEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. SUCK ON THAT.” You both said it like you read each other’s mind.

…Because Canada would totally say ‘suck on that’. Totally.
“M-MATTIE! LET GO! I C-CAN’T B-BREATH!”
I think that this may actually be 2P!Canada. It’d make a bit more sense.
”_____! W-What the hell are you doing?”
Seemingly assaulting the Englishman.
”_____! Canada!” Yelled China and Japan, both of them prying one of you off the person.
…They can see Canada now?
 
You and Canada returned to your seats, but were refusing to look at England or America. Everyone still had an ‘What the hell just happened?’ look on their face.
Well, I certainly have a ‘What the hell just happened?’ look on MY face.
Then it hit you.
 
‘What the did I just agree to?! I swear a god if its another war..someone is going to die..and its not going to be Canada.”


 Do, I, erm… Just not pay attention and agree to random shit all the time? If I’m supposed to be a country, then I honestly can’t see myself functioning very well.

“Canada. What the heck did I just agree to?”
Canada blinked a couple of times. “You weren’t even listening?! America said we are going to play the dating game right now…AND YOU AGREED TO THE BACHELORETTE!”
…
This is going to be interesting.
Any particular reason WHY America wants to play a dating game in the middle of a world conference?
 
If you had a glass of water, you would of spit it out on Canada.
But since I don’t, that bit of description was totally useless.
 
“OKAY SINCE THAT IS OVER. Japan! blind fold ____! And take her to her seat!” Alfred said.
“Hai! Sorry ______ -san.” Japan blind folds you and leads you to a seat.
“Wa? I don’t want to! Canada! Help!”
“OKAY! Japan cover her ears so she doesn’t know who’s playing!”
“Hai!” Japan covers your ears.
I can see in no way that this could possibly go wrong.
(Alfred’s POV) 
“Okay who wants to play?” I looked around the room for hands.
“Oh! I vant to! Pick zhe awesome Prussia!!”
PRUSSIA. Y U SO BADLY CHARACTERIZED?
“Prussia! Dude awesome! Okay you’re going to disguise your voice with this microphone and sit on the other side of the wall.”
“Kenese~ Ja!” I handed Prussia a microphone and he sat in his seat. 
…You know, from his idiolect, Prussia would be amazingly easy to distinguish.
“Next! Who wants to pl-” I smirked and turned to my good friend Britain.
“Britain! My man how about you?”
“BLOODY HELL NO.”
“Yay! Britain is playing!”
“No i’m not-“
WAIT, WHAT? He’d probably be even EASIER to pick out that Prussia!
China and Japan dragged Britain to his seat and handed him a microphone. I looked around for hands again, then I saw a tan hand in the air.
“Mi amigo! I wish to play~”
“Ah! Spain! Dude awesome! Get up there then!” Spain got up from his seat and grabbed a microphone and run up there.
“Awesome! Japan! Take ____’s blind fold off!”
“Hai! 
…Why do I get the feeling that if anything, this dating game will end up being something along the lines of ‘recognize the stereotype’ variety?
(Your POV) 
Japan finally took off my blind fold and handed me a mic.
“Use this to ask questions okay _____-san?”
“Yeah okay.” 
“You may start asking questions _____-san.
Wait, so if I refuse to ask questions, I won’t have to play? HA HA!
“Okay. Um this one’s for all the bachelors. If I was sick, what would you do to make me better? Bachelor number one your answer?”
… *I* am an idiot.
“Ah zhat is an easy question! I would make you breakfast in bed because i’m awesome! Kenese~”
HM. I WONDER WHO THAT IS. IT IS JUST SOOO DIFFICULT TO TELL.
I’M GOING TO JUST GO AHEAD AND GUESS THAT IT’S CUBA (!).
‘I love breakfast in bed!’ I thought to myself.
“Bachelor number two?”
“Hm…Oh I would cook you something lovely to eat!”
Just then the whole meeting room screamed in terror! There were screams of,”NO DO NOT LET HIM ANYWHERE NEAR THE KITCHEN!!” and screams of,”NO IF YOU EAT HIS FOOD YOU WILL DIE!!!!”
Wait, so the crowd just pretty much told you who it was. Nice going.
‘God this guy is a bad cook, EVEN germany is screaming in terror!!!’
“O-Okay..Bachelor number three?”
“Ah yes princesa! I would cook you some tomato soup with chicken and rice!”
America, this ‘game’ was a total fail, you know.
“Oh I love rice! I mean next question! Um question for all the bachelors. If someone beated me up, what would you do? Bachelor number three?”
“Ah! Nadie da una paliza a mi princesa! I used to be a pirate. I’ll make them pay for beating up  mi princessa! No one can touch you!”
Really? Are you going to make it THIS HARD for me to guess who is who?
“I only understood half of that! But that sweet.” I covered my mouth, I said it out loud. “Err…Bachelor number two?” 
“I used to be the most feared pirate in the whole seven seas! They’ll regret it.”
“…Lair..”
…Wait, what? ‘Lair’? Did you meant ‘liar’?
“What are you talking about!? I was a better pirate then you!”
“Lies.”
“You shu-“
“OKAY BACHELOR NUMBER ONE?”
“If anyone touches you..Zhey will end up in a vorld of hell! And zhey vill have zheir vital regions invaded!”
“Err…Okay. Bachelor number two and three..I’m not good at slow dancing..What would you do to help dance better? Bachelor number two?”
“I would lead you though it, until you get the hang of it.”
“Bachelor three?”
“Mi princesa~ I would take your hand and dance to our own beat. I don’t care if your not good at it. I would just want to dance with you.”
‘Oh my god! That was so sweet!’
I actually want to shoot myself right now.
“Okay. This ones for all the bachelors. Would you proclaim your love for me? Bachelor one?”
“Hm…my love for____..Oh! I vould Proclaim you are zhe awesomest girl I’ve ever met and zhen I vould stick to you like glue!”
‘Aw that’s sweet.’
“Bachelor two?”
“Hm..I would tell you are the most beautiful lady i’ve ever met, tell you what I like about you and tell you I love you so much And that I only want you, no one else.”
My face got red from that answer. ‘Damn it! I’m blushing now!’
“B-Bachelor number three?”
“Mi Princesa. I would tell you i’ll only look at you, tell you you’re the only one for me.”
The lack of capitalization is absolutely shocking.
There was “Aww’s” and “OH MY GOD that was SO SWEET!”
‘God! Both of them are so charming!’
“Okay last question. I’m scared of thunder and lightning. What would you do?”
“I would keep you in my arms, pretected from anything.”
“Mi Princesa. I would snuggle close to you and have you in my arms the whole night, and nothing can hurt you.
“I vould let you curl up in my arms and just be vith you.”
…So they’d all do the same thing? O.e
“Okay _____-san who do you pick?
Let me guess, from it being a readerxEngland fic, I pick England.  Even though he REALLY doesn’t stand out here…
Ugh. Just this fic…
It isn’t as bad as it could have been.The concept isn’t HALF bad, It just could have been A LOT better.
The reader has Mary-Sue like qualities, there’s A LOT of spelling, grammatical and word-substitute errors, it’s hard to distinguish whether I’m meant to be some country and the concept of a game where all the bachelors are meant to be a mystery is just thrown out of the bloody window.

Tagged: Aph:EnglandAph:AmericaAph:PrussiaAph:SpainAph:CanadaReviewfanfictionAPHHetaliaOOCWhat the fuck?xReaderBad Grammar. Kind of.