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We predicted this from day one. We have all seven chapters downloaded as a keepsake and the REVIEW MUST GO ON…!
So, don’t worry, we’ll be finishing the COMPLETE critique of all chapters.
However, if you’re a fan of the fic and want to (for some reason) have our non critiqued copies of the chapters, feel free to send an ask and as long as you’re polite, we’ll humor you and send them over.
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And, uh, fans. And loyal readers.
It’s time for another installment of critiquing this pile of regurgitated vomit called ‘Weight’. This review will be done by me, Mod Felixxx, because the other D-Bag mods thought I haven’t done fuck-all enough for this goddamned blog.
…Yeah, they’re right. Let’s get this show on the road.
Authors Note: I own nothing at all.
As America was getting ready for the meeting the next morning, he was staring at himself shirtless in the mirror the next morning. He had made it a habit to squeeze his pudge every time he caught his reflection in a full length mirror. Shifting his hands from his belly to his face, he began to pinch the tiny hint of double chin that threatened to show any day now.
Okay, as we’ve pointed out before, if the poor boy HAS SUCH FUCKING BIG ISSUES WITH HIMSELF, THEN WHY DOESN’T HE GET HELP? OR LOSE THE FUCKING WEIGHT?
Alfred represents America, right? In this fanfic, it seems that the general consensus for all you lardasses over across the fucking pond is that you’re all jiggly crybabies. Honestly, if I was American, I’d be fucking offended.
I know that that’s not true. I know fat people can be beautiful and strong, despite the stigma and negativity society has put atop of the overweight majority. But, within this fanfic, we are being given the impression that FAT means that you are a constant whining baby that needs attention from your creepy-ass chubby chaser boyfriend. And while having a preference to thicker bodies is acceptable and I am NOT against it (coz, I do think that some ‘fat’ chicks are pretty damn hot) we’ve already seen how FUCKING CREEPY England is in this fic.
You guys are STILL bitching and moaning about the fact that we’re against this supposedly ‘good story’?
You mean to tell me that I’m supposed to accept and like this overglorified over-weight blob of a Nation as my ‘hero’ and look up to him, even while all he does is WHINE, AND BITCH AND COMPLAIN about how much of a fat shit he is?
IF HE DID SOMETHING ABOUT HIS WEIGHT, OR HAD SOME KIND OF ACTUAL, WELL DEVELOPED AND EXPLAINED HURDLE WHICH EXPLAINED WHY HE COULD NOT LOSE WEIGHT OR HAD TROUBLE DOING SO, THEN I WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM.
THIS ABOMINATION YOU SUPPOSEDLY CALL ‘ALFRED F JONES’ SUCKS AS A HERO. FUCK YOU, AUTHOR. FUCK. YOU.
England began knocking on the American’s bathroom door in worryand annoyance. “America, what’s taking you so long in there?”
The Brit didn’t want to leave his former colony alone for too long after that reckless display with a kitchen knife the day before.
What, the author’s PATHETIC attempt at bringing in ‘drama’ by HAVING THAT UNDERDEVELOPED PIECE OF SHIT ‘SUICIDE ATTEMPT’? As a person who has recently ALMOST LOST one of his friends (one of the mods who runs this fucking blog) to suicide, this made me fucking angry.
You’re a piece of shit for writing that scene.
Suicide isn’t to be fucked around with. Jokes? Yeah, go on. Whatever. Providing actual, well written and well developed scenes with attempted suicide/suicide itself? Yes, go on.
BUT THIS FUCKING TRIGGERING GARBAGE OF ‘OH I’M GOING TO STAB MYSELF LOL NO NOT REALLY’?
He was afraid that America still had the ability to do something drastic.
“Just one minute!” America screeched throwing on a large blue dress shirt and exiting the bathroom once it was buttoned up.
“America isn’t that shirt a little too big for you?”
I bet you want something skin tight so that you can see his flab, dont’cha, you creep?
“No, it’s fine. I like baggy shirts anyway.”
“America.” England said in a parental tone.
Ugh, please put more description into the ‘parental tone’. There’s a whole bunch of different parental tones, like a kind, mothery one, or perhaps a stronger angrier, or ‘a warning’. Get your shit straight.
“It hides my fat Iggy…”
Stop calling him ‘Iggy’. I think only France called him that canonically.
It’s fucking annoying, and character-wise, I doubt England would much appreciate it, let alone accept it. Plus, they’re barely foot-in on their romantic relationship. Maybe calling him by his human name would be acceptable at this point, but this ‘Iggy’ nonsense comes out of nowhere and seems mildly OOC to me.
England’s heart clenched at that as he approached the American with a tender look on his face. Wrapping his arms around America, the Brit began to whisper words of encouragement and love into his ear.
“You’re going to do fine today love. I wish you could see how handsome you really are America…”
Look in a mirror. That’s pretty accurate.
“Now then, what do you want for breakfast poppet?”
The younger nation visually flinched,
COULD IT BE?
THE AUTHOR ‘SHOWING, NOT TELLING’? WHAT IS THIS?!?!?
“I’m not hungry…”
“America, either you eat here, or I’m going to feed you myself in a restaurant on the way.”
Hey, uh, England?
America wants to lose weight for his own, personal happiness. And it WOULD benefit him.
Let him do it.
Blushing at the memory, America quickly made his way to the kitchen and pulled out a box of toaster strudel from his freezer. They were strawberry flavored, his favorite.
This, uh, isn’t caloriffic or weight-onputting at all. Totally.
“Good boy.” England said smiling at his former colony.
Ugh, my National pride is decreasing with every bit of this moron’s dialogue. I feel fucking filthy just reading it.
Once America and England had eaten their toaster strudel, they hailed a taxi, and made their way to the meeting.
You know, ‘Murica. To lose weight, TYPICALLY, you need to introduce two things to burn the fat in your body.
More excercise and less food.
Well done, you fucking idiot. You’ve screwed both of those things up.
Stepping out of the cab, America began to feel nervous about giving his presentation. He was the first speaker because it was supposed to be his turn when they took a recess the day before.
“I’m scared!” America said burying his face in England’s shoulder.
This is your country, our yankee followers!
Are you proud of it right now?
I hope you still are <3
“Now, now you’ll do just splendid, darling.”
As they walked into the building, England turned to America, “If you’ll excuse me for a moment poppet, I have business to discuss with Germany.”
America frowned suspiciously, but said nothing. Not looking where he was going, he accidentally bumped into a curtain German man.
T’was the sad day Prussia turned into a ‘curtain’.
“Watch where you’re going fat ass!” the Prussian screamed at the insecure American.
I don’t understand why Prussia is so fat-phobic.
Canonically, he’s a big fan of beer, ja?
Well, let’s think about this. Beer is calorific. It typically makes consistent and heavier drinkers ‘fat’. Hence the term, a ‘beer belly’.
Why is Prussia suddenly so mean spirited?
He’s a typically jolly guy, albeit a little irresponsible and with the tendency to tease (perhaps hiding insecurity with his ‘holier-(or awesom-er)than-thou’ vibe). He ought to be USED to fat people. Granted, it is possible he COULD have gone through something recently which has caused him to dislike fat, but AGAIN, as with a MILLION AND ONE THINGS IN THIS FIC, it is not EXPLAINED.
Note from Mod Socks: Ahah! Inner history mode here.
(The dude on the right is the one we’re talking about. Not Hitler. Ignore the fuhrer.) During the Third Reich, the infamously fat (as by Hitler’s opinion as well xD) Hermann Göring was a very important man in the NSDAP (the Nazi party), as well as Prussian history (being the commander of the Prussian Luftwaffe (air force).) He was VERY popular in Prussia and Germany as a generally cool-dude until the luftwaffe fucked up.
Not even going with the fact that I really don’t think that the countries would give a big shit about weight unless it WAS affecting the health of someone, Prussia most likely wouldn’t be the one hating on those who were overweight. That is all.
“You got me yelled at by my bruder yesterday, that was so un-awesome you pig!”
Back to mod Felixxx: Avoiding the lack of correct grammar here, why is Prussia so pissed? He’d most likely be all giggly about how narked off he’s managed to make Ludwig by his really unfunny and stupid-as-fuck prank.
“Prussia, will you please leave America alone! You’re acting like a real puta!” Spain yelled running up to his German friend.
…He said one bit of dialogue. And he was annoyed. He should be able to express his anger, you dipshit.
“I don’t want to hear it amigo, what ever Germany did to you, you deserve! You’ve got no right to walk up to someone in their own country- No even if he wasn’t in his own country, you still have no right to make fun of someone for something so stupid as weight, and you had no right to dump that ice cream on his head.
AGAIN, WHAT PURPOSE DID THE PRANK HAVE? IT WASN’T SMART. IT DIDN’T PROVE ANYTHING, NOR DID IT HAVE ANYTHING REMOTELY FUNNY TO IT.
THEY PULL THIS JOKE OFF MUCH MORE EFFECTIVELY ON GLEE.
YEAH, THIS FANFIC HAS WORSE COMEDY THAN GLEE.
It makes me sick just knowing that I call you my friend! Remember when Lovino had a weight problem? You were really supportive of him, so I have no clue why you’re doing this to America!”
Prussia stared at his Hispanic friend in shock. He couldn’t believe that Spain had scolded him, in public no less.
Oh, fuck! Not in public! Anything but that(!).
“You sound just like that stick in the mud Germany! France and I were just trying to have a little fun!”
“You took things way too far! Why don’t you just leave him alone?”
“Guys!” America yelled interrupting their fight.
They both looked at the American, one with a caring look on his face, the other with an angry one.
Well, I wonder which was which!
No, seriously. Get rid of that last part, it has little purpose.
“Can we just forget this ever happened please. I probably deserved it anyway!” he yelled, tears threatening to fall from his eyes.
Spain and Prussia both stared at the boy not believing what they were hearing. Spain felt a pang in his chest for the insecure nation in front of him. Prussia on the other hand smirked.
“See, he said he deserved it anyway, problem solved!”
“Callarse, Prussia! America, how can you say that? You didn’t deserve that at all!”
Spain hugged America tightly, “Lo siento Alfred…” Spain whispered to the now crying American.
AGAIN, MY AMERICAN FRIENDS:
THIS IS YOUR COUNTRY, THE UNITED STATES STATES OF AMERICA.
WHAT A FUCKING NOBLE COUNTRY. HE CRIES AT EVERYTHING.
“It’s not your fault, Spain…”
“You understand Spanish?” Spain said looking into the baby blue eyes that were filled with tears.
“Yeah, I have a lot of immigrants from Mexico, so it makes things easier to know Spanish.”
…Wow, that was THE FIRST BIT OF ACTUAL EXPLAINATION IN THIS ENTIRE FANFIC THAT MADE SENSE AND BACKED UP THE POINT IT WAS TRYING TO PROVE.
WELL DONE, AUTHOR.
Spain only nodded and let go of the American. “Do you want me to walk you to the meeting room?”
“Sure, but I don’t need your protection. We’re just two nations walking to the meeting room together, not one nation protecting the other from stupid ex nations and snail eaters.”
This is so fucking stupid.
“You two are stupid!” Prussia yelled,
Thank you, Prussia. If it wasn’t for your dipshit ‘prank’, you would be the only likeable character in this mess.
but quickly regretted it when he saw that Germany and England were watching the scene the whole time.
As Germany and England approached the Prussian, he ran towards the meeting room to avoid the lecture and beat down he surely would be receiving.
“Bruder get back here!” Germany screamed sounding scary because Germans always sound scary when their angry.
OH, MOD SOCKS WILL NOT BE HAPPY.
Why the unnecessary racism, author? I mean, did you want to dirty yourself more in our eyes?
Fine, let’s make a list of all the shit you’ve done: racism (multiple times), skinny shaming, trying to convince us that it’s okay to force other people to change their appearance for our own gain and trivialising suicide and self harm.
How the fuck do you still defend this author, guys?
“Wanker, no one says that to America and gets away with it!” England yelled running behind Germany.
“Well I guess we better follow them, no?”
“Yeah dude, lets get going!”
Walking into the meeting room, they noticed that their argument with Prussia had made them all late. Sitting down, he noticed that England was already seated with a pissed off look on his face. Smiling at the Brit, he raised an eyebrow.
“Did you catch him, Superman?”
OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKES.
I BET YOU WERE TOO FAT TO GET YOUR LAZY, JIGGLY ASS OF YOUR SEAT AND CHASE HIM FOR YOURSELF, HUH?
I BET YOU WERE TOO BUSY CRYING TO FUCKING THINK ABOUT THAT.
GO STUFF ANOTHER BURGER IN YOUR FATASS GOB. GO ON. NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ANYMORE. WALLOW IN YOUR SELF PITY, YOU SHIT.
England blushed, “No, Germany stopped me because the meeting was already starting. I’ll deal with him later poppet.”
“You don’t have to…” America whispered shyly.
Shut the fuck up, you annoying piece of shit. Don’t even bother with pulling yourself around as the Goddamn hero. Author, you’ve done such a shitty job with making this characterization, you’ve lost all my fucking respect.
“But I want to baby.”
America blushed at being called such a sappy pet name, and twiddled his thumbs shyly. Once his name was called to approach the podium, he suddenly became more nervous than he had ever been in his life. Walking up to the front of the room, he noticed that France had stuck his leg out in order to trip him, to which he thankfully dodged. The room was deadly silent as America began to speak.
“So, the topic I would like to bring to your attention is global warming. My scientist think we shouldn’t be too worried because they predict that it’s only a sign of a second ice age coming which wont happen for another million years or so-“
America’s speech was cut off by a large bucket of red paint being poured on all over his body from the opening in the ceiling. The room was dead silent, until France broke it with his taunting laughter. Suddenly it was like a bomb went off. Almost every nation in the room started laughing and chuckling at the American’s pain.
YOU RIPPED OFF STEPHEN KING?
HAVE YOU NO SHAME????
“What is the meaning of this!” Germany yelled before England could start telling everyone off. Everyone went silent once more and stared from America to Germany.
“All right who’s the dead man who’s responsible for this?” England yelled also, his pirate side coming out instantly.
Oh, God. Don’t bring in this multiple personality bullshit into this. You don’t have the skills to competently explain it, author.
America stared at England in disbelief. Suddenly a thought came into his head, that brought him more pain than the public humiliation he’d just faced.
“You bitch!” he sobbed at England, and ran out of the room. Gasps were heard throughout the room, as everyone stared at the Brit.
“No, America I didn’t do this!”
UH, AMERICA, IS THERE SOMETHING A LITTLE WRONG WITH YOU?
WHY WOULD ENGLAND HAVE DONE IT?
“Amigo, don’t run away!” Spain said running after America in concern.
Figuring that Spain would calm America down, England turned towards the shocked world meeting room and narrowed his eyes.
“What the hell is wrong with all of you? This isn’t kindergarten, this is a World Meeting for Christ sake! Even if no one here did this, you’re still pathetic children for laughing at his pain! I hope you’re all bloody proud of yourselves and-“
You know, maybe he has a point, I mean-
He was interrupted by France’s giggling in the back of the room. Grabbing a chair, he lifted it over his head and threw the blunt object at the laughing Frenchmen, causing a lad crack to be heard throughout the room.
…HOW MATURE, ENGLAND. YOU CLEARLY ARE THE EPITOME OF ADULTHOOD.
France was unconscious, with blood dripping out of his nose by the gallons and this time it wasn’t from being a pervert.
Blood doesn’t come out of your nose when you are being a ‘pervert’. I suppose your blood flow levels might shift a little when you’re aroused, but unless there’s something SERIOUSLY wrong with you, it won’t cause a nosebleed.
On that note, there’s more to France as a character than being a pervert. Thank you.
England thought about strangling him right in front of everyone to make an example out of him, but he only turned to walk out of the room, “Get him to a fucking hospital…” he muttered and then walked out to find America.
List of shit Author has done: Trivialise murder, try and make physical abuse and lack of anger management okay, racism (multiple times), skinny shaming, trying to convince us that it’s okay to force other people to change their appearance for our own gain and trivialising suicide and self harm.
Walking outside, he found a frantic America being shaken out of a panic attack by a weeping Spain. “Amigo, England didn’t do this to you, I promise! Stop saying you’re going to kill yourself!”
More of trivilaising suicide. Great job.
America was covered in paint from head to toe. To England, it looked like blood covering his little nation. Running over to Spain and America, he hugged the young nation from behind.
“America, I didn’t do this to you! Remember what I said yesterday? I love you, I’ve always loved you!”
America still sobbed beginning to panic even more. “You’re lying, you’re just trying to trick me again.!”
America’s breathing became erratic as Spain and England hugged him tighter. “America, just tell us what we can do, there must be something we can do to calm you down!” the Spanish man asked contemplating slapping the nation.
“Just stop! Get off of me, I’m so nauseated, I just want to go home!” he cried.
Wah, wah, wah.
“America, calm down, we’re here with you!” the Brit yelled beginning to cry just like the other two nations.
“No, everyone hates me, you’re just trying make fun of me! I-“
Spain interrupted the frantic nation by smacking him in the face. The smack had been a really hard one that made a pop sound echo throughout the parking lot they were standing in. It seemed to bring America out of his panic mode also.
Oh, that is sweet. Thank you so fucking much.
Could you please slap him again? Please?
“Better?” Spain asked wiping his tears away with one hand, with the other still wrapped around America.
“Thanks…I… I… needed… that…” he said trying to catch his breath.
England held the American tighter from behind. “I love you, America. I didn’t do this to you.”
“Yes you did! You made up that bogus excuse by saying you needed to talk to Germany, and then you rigged up that bucket! Don’t lie!”
“No America, I was asking Germany if you could speak last so you would have time to mentally prepare yourself. Germany said it would be best of you to go first to get it over with! I didn’t do this to you, ask Germany, I was with him the whole time. I think it was France and Prussia, America!”
Not meaning to victim blame, here, but England, you’re provoking them. They most likely want a reaction and England’s consistent bursts of them are really the root cause of them seeing that by ‘pranking’ America more and more to play on his feelings, then the more and more they’re going to hurt him.
“Si, America. I don’t think England would have ever done this to you!” Spain added as the American rested his head on the Spaniards chest. England felt a pang of jealousy, but quickly shook it away because he knew how much Spain loved Romano and how much America loved him.
“You two, just get me out of here, please.” he whimpered.
England took off his coat, and wrapped it around America, as Spain ran to flag down a taxi.
This would have been up sooner if my baby brother hadn’t needed a bath and wouldn’t cry every time I left the room lol, thanks for reading :)
Why could could your brother have not stayed longer in the bath to stop you from writing this abomination?!
See you next review.
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Submitter: Another chapter of ‘The Nightmare of Sane Hetalia Fans’! This might have to be put under the ‘extreme OOC’ tag as well next chapter…. Let’s just say the author messed up the canon so horribly I would rather not speak about it…. That factor isn’t introduced until next chapter, though. Enjoy~ (Or not.)
I’m screaming on the inside already. We’ve mainly sussed out that this has to be a troll. It has features and mistakes a little too similar to My Immortal, but hey, it still belongs here!
A/N sorry I couldn’t get this up I had stupid homework. UGH! FML
A part of me wishes your teacher had set more of that homework.
Had that been the case, this monstrosity would not exist.
Both? Simultaneously? At the same time?
This is so juvenile.
IT Was Kim nd Jay, my foster parents! They where really really mean and nesty,
THEY LIVE IN NESTS?
THEY’RE BIRDS? NO WONDER YOU WANTED TO GET AWAY FROM THEM.
like the cheerbitches. OH NO! AND THE POLICE WERE WIT THEM TWO!
*Too, you insolent wanker.
Kim wuz cring fake ugly tears, like her boob job.
*Was crying. And I legitimately love this bit of description. No lie.
Her face wa splotchy looking. One of the policemens said to me “Summer, you’re parents had been very very worried about you and we have been looking all over the city four you” he sayeth.
…Was there any point for thou to use Shakespearean English? Really?
“NOOOOOO!” I shouted.
I transformed into my neko form.
FOR FUCK’S SAKES. WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS BULLSHIT NEKO FORM? IT’S NOT CUTE. IT LOOKS STUPID AND CONTRIBUTES NOTHING. MAGICAL ABILITIES, IF EXPLAINED, COULD.
THIS IS JUST SO DUMB, IT FUCKING HURTS.
The poleceman drooped
As his arms turned to jelly.
his gun and ran away tryin to pull up hes pants (cuz he was so fat from the doughnuts lol).
Of course. More fucking stereotypes.
“THERE NAWT MY PARENTS” I growled loudly like a neko.
Public literary message #120997
‘Neko’ refers to the Japanese word for cat.
Although it has become a popular trope for those godawful ‘neko girls’ with those shitty sparkle-cat ears and tails for no particular purpose but to apparently look dumb, using the word neko out of this particular context only means cat.
You are saying that you growled like a cat.
Not ‘growled like a bullshitty neko human thing’.
Cats typically do not ‘growl’. Hiss, yowl and meow, they do.
The other guys looked sacred but they pulled out they’re guns. Suddenly….
December started turning into a neko two!
*Too, you scatterbrained little shit.
Her neko ears where black-purple with silver tips and her neko tail was black-purple with a siler tip too. Her black and silver nails turned into claws and her teeth turned into fangs.
Is it just me or is this mental image more horrifying than ‘cute’?
She growled to. We started too run toward them but they ran away! Except…..
Kim hid behind Jay and he pulled out a huge rifle and started to shoot ballets all around us!
WHY ARE THEY SHOOTING AT TWO GIRLS? WHAT? ARE WE IN GOTHAM? ARE THE POLICE CORRUPT? WHAT IS GOING ON?
Then someone very loud and wearing glasses with a leather jacet grabbed the rifle and broke it into two pieces!
And it was at that time I knew three things for certain:
One, I was a sparkly neko girl thing.
Two, Alfred can now grab guns when they’re still shooting.
And three, Alfred IS NOW RUBEUS HAGRID AND CAN TWIST SHOTGUNS.
“nO ONE HURST THE HEROS DAUGHTERS! CUZ IM THE HERO”
I’M 12000% DONE.
he shouted. Kim an Jay ran away screamin like preps.
I now need to find out what prep screams are like.
I bet they’re as delicious as their tears.
He turned to us and said, “I hope you girls like hamburgers, ‘cause this is gonna take awhile.”
UH, YEAH, FOLLOW THE GUY THAT JUST TWISTED A GUN. THAT SEEMS SENSIBLE.
Neither of us ever had known our parents. December had run away form her foster parents wen she ws really really little and lived in the apartment building.
HOW DID SHE MANAGE TO SURVIVE?
Tat was befour we met. Kim and Jay hsd me since I was 3. I can hardly remember what it was like before theem… I try not to think about, but someties… Kim and Jay are such horrible people, but the government hates kids because kids can’t vote.
You know, over here in Britain, the goverment hates us because of how the media portrays young people. Otherwise we’re pretty cool with them.
I’m so happy I’m not a yank.
They don’t care if kid s live swith abusive people.
You know, over here in Britain, when my abusive stepdad was reported by the neighbors, the police and the council followed it up.
It’s great to be British.
Or, y’know, you might have this system in America, too. I really doubt it from your description, but something hints to me that the police most likely do care about minors being hurt.
But… Whatever. They ‘can’t vote’.
Niether of us know were are neko powers came form.
…Neither do I.
Did I miss an episode or not read a strip or something? Do the countries have some WEIRD-ASS NEKO POWERS I NEVER SAW OR WHAT?
The man with the classes and leather jacketr lead us too the table and we sat down and he gave us hamburgers. We ate them with the sushi.
WHAT? WHERE DID THE SUSHI COME FROM?
He told us that he was America. “BULLSHIT!” YELled December and me together.
*December and I.
Also, that is the most plausible reaction in this story so far. Well done, author.
He was a crazy person! “NO NO WAIT I CAN EXPLIANED!” “America” yelled.
This grammar and spelling is beyond atrocious.
*SEE, YOU NITBRAINED TWAT.
every country has a preson that is the country.” he said. “I don’t get in” I said
To be honest, that is the poorest explanation of Hetalia I have ever read.
No wonder she’s fucking confused.
confusedly. “Like you kno how Uncle Sam is supposed to be America? Thats me!” he said happily and made a heroic pose.
Haha, there’s no way they’re going to believe-
“Oh!” we said, clapping our hands and feeling happy cuz we got it now!
Aaaaand they’re total dipshits.
“And you guise are my sates!” he said.
*Guys, you snot-nosed dweeb.
“HUH?!” we shouted. “You’re my kids! You have been missing for a very long tiem! Ive ben lookin for you fer years!” he said.
*Time, I’ve been ‘lookin’, you fucking toerag.
"But if your Amereka,
I’m not going to bother anymore.
You have to be doing this on purpose.
how can we be you’re kids? Were 7!”
WAIT WHAT? SURELY YOU MEAN SEVENTEEN.
I smartly said, like one of those nerds on the debate team
From your fucking stupidity, I honestly doubt this is the case.
except Im not a nerd (ew there ugly)
Yes I watched this show don’t judge me.
I BEG TO DIFFER.
and Im not on the debate team (clubs and having a social life are for preps with no personality, nya!).
Mod Socks was in the school reading club, ex-honour member of the science club, art club, was a member of the local scout troop, has done numerous bits of teaching english and english clubs and does shotput and discus, tennis and swimming.
Somehow, I think I have a personality and a social life.
“cuz my states are like countries.” He said.
No. No they’re not.
State:Of, provided by, or concerned with the civil government of a country: “the future of state education”.
“A nation with its own government, occupying a particular territory.”
“WOW!” We said. Then we looked at each other. “WERE SISTERS!” we shouted. “Your new York (AN: cuz that’s were I live cuz its awesome!)
he said. He pointed at me. “And your California.”
Secondly. No Author’s notes in the middle of the fic. Beginning or end only. We’re not here for your dimwitted commentary and we don’t give a shit if you’re a yank or not.
Thirdly, you’re missing speechmarks on the end of America’s first set of speech.
Lastly, this is dumb, and how were the states formed? DID AMERICA GIVE BIRTH TO FIFTYTUPLETS EW WHAT
he said. He pointed at December too. “OMG!” we yelled.
‘Were sisters’, like werewolves?
YOU TURN INTO SISTERS AT FULL MOON AND SAVAGELY GO AROUND, INFECTING OTHERS INTO SISTERHOOD.
we yelled and hugged and felt happy. How could we have not noticed? Were like twins!
Fuck, there’s two of you?!
“Were gunna go to my house now.” said America. “lets’ go!” he shouted. He jumped gleefully. “But wait!” I cried. I looked at my apartment. It was so pretty and I have spent so much time in it and making it. It was so wonderful! I didn’t want to leave!
You probably shouldn’t.
STRANGER DANGER, HELLO?
“WAIT! What about my room?!” I said. “I dunt want to leave! I love this place!” “Oh. He said. “But don’t you want to meet all the other states?”
THERE IS MORE OF YOU? FUCK.
he said. “Yes!” Is adi.
Huh? What does that mean?
“But I don’t wanna leave!” I said kind of crying. “I would be very said if I left.” I sad sniffling.”Yeah!” aid December.
“Well…. Well think of something.” America said. “Hey! I know!” December said. “We could just bring tohe stuff with us!”
“Butt it wont be the same.” I said feeling sad. “It’ll be better!” Said Amereca. I feelt a little cheerier now.
…And that convinced you.
Wow. You’re ridiculously DUMBER THAN I THOUGHT YOU WERE.
Out side we could hear a helicotper. It was very loud. “WOW!” December and me yelled. Within seconds my head and my ears were hurting. I covered my ears with my hands.
“Here, put these on!” America shouted over the noise, handing us noise-cancelling headphones. We put them on gratefully. He climbed in, then leaned out and gave us the thumbs up to go in.
We could t talk, but the helicopter ride waz awesome! I stared out the window. “OMG!” I sreamed. WE WERE GOING OVER TEH OCAEN!
I have blood coming from my ears.
I’m having haemmorage over how horrible this spelling is.
Merica looked and me and smiled real big. “It is beautiful, ja?”
…HE’S GERMAN NOW? WHAT?
If I wasn’t his daughter I would call im really h4wt but I am so ic ant.
Getting memories of ‘My Immortal’.
HE’S A MAJOR FUCKING HOTTIE.”
“isn’t he kinda cute” said December.
“he’s are DAD, BAKA”
I know this may be an obvious question, but WHY IS AN AMERICAN STATE USING RANDOM JAPANESE DIALECT?
said giggling and punching her in the shoulder but it was okay cuz I was being kawaii.
You’re not cute.
YOU’RE NOT CUTE.
Im not a mean prep,
Again, stop the generalization.
You look close-mindedly bigoted and REALLY STUPID.
though I can hit harder then ny of those biches.
I display qualities of a so-called ‘prep’, and I did kickboxing for several years. We’re not all skimpy, defenseless little girls.
If they new how ard I can hit they would nt never have messed with me. “LOL’ she said. She punched me in the arm.
“OW, BITCH! THAT HURT! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?” I yelled. December was awesome, but sometimes she could rwally be a bitch! She flattened her nekomimi (a/n: htat meanz neko ears in Japnese. I just learned that today nya!)
and looked down. “Sorry.” She said kind of quiet. “WHAT?!” I yelled cuz I couldn’t here her. “SOARY!” she yelled looking kinda sad.
“WHY DO YOU LOOK SO SAD?” I yelled. “DID DOS PREPS TEXT YOU SOMETHING REALLY MEAN?” She just laffed and shook her head “OKAY” I yelled.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
HET!” I yelled suddenly. We where passing over a beautiful beach! “WHERE ARE WE?” I yelled to america.
“Were goin to teh UN so you can meet the othre countries” he said
They’re American states. America represents them in the UN conferences and elsewhere. Other nations wouldn’t care much about them, and stay out of their way unless they are linked to the state for some reason.
However, they’d still consult Alfred BEFORE going straight to the states.
They don’t CARE about you. THEY HAVE NO REASON TO.
WHETHER THERE IS A HIERARCHY BETWEEN STATES AND NATIONS, NATIONS WHO ARE BUSY DOING NATION THINGS DO NOT CARE ABOUT MINISCULE THINGS SUCH AS YOURSELVES.
‘OH MY GOD!” I yelled. “THAT IS SO COOL!” “Omg, righte?” said December. “I love England! I cant wait to meet him! I bet he’s really hot!”
Plot twist: It’s Nyo!England.
She said. “Oh me to!” I said. “I bet he’s super mega foxy awesome hot!” I giggled.
No, seriously. YOU DON’T KNOW IT’S A GUY.
Teh helicopter landed on a huge lawn. America lead us into a huge white building with a ton of flags in front.
WAIT HE JUST IGNORED YOU TALKING ABOUT HIS EX-CARE TAKER.
WELL, OKAY THEN.
He flashed his badge at a `security guard and we walked down alot of hallways with paintings and went ino a elevator. When it opened up, we were at the tippy top of the building. We walked down some more hallways and paintings. Then we went into a big meeting room. Alot of people were inside. A lot of them were arguing and two blond guys were choking each other.
“HEY THE HERO IS BACK” AMErica shouted. Everyone stopped talking and looked at us. December blushed, and I would have too, but I didn’t, because I hate letting people see my real feelings. I’m good at hiding them. “Kesesesesese” Said a cute guy with silver hair and red eyes that glinted like rubies. “You’re a very pretty girl”
Prussia, go back to Germany’s basement. You have nothing to do here.
He said too me. I blushed. No one had ever said anything like that to me! I liked him instantly. “Well of course she is, shes my daughter.” America said.
SERIOUSLY, HOW DOES THAT WORK?
“Ve~ I cant believe you’ve found them! It’s been so long and we have been very worried!” Another guy with a curl and an Italian accent said.
WHY DOES ITALY CARE ABOUT THEM?
“You guys know who we are?”
“Yeah! Ve~” He said. “This is so awesome!” I whispered to December. “Bloody hell, America, I can’t believe you have more kids.” A blond guy with a British accent said.
“Shut up, Arthur. Everyone, this is California and New York!”
A/N: Review, please! ;)
Submitter: This is the reason I’m ashamed to be a Hetalia fan.
Join the bloody club.
I also got more info about Summer and the author. The author’s username on fanfiction.net is *name witheld.* and her first name is Aubrey. Aubrey has black hair with blue streaks which she dyed in. I’m not suprised this is where Summer’s ridiculous hair came from.
Ugh. Nothing sucks more than bloody horribly done self-inserts.
Aubrey says she has ‘bluish grayish eyes’, so she is at least trying to hide the fact she is using a self-insert.
Or she’s inputting what she WISHES was her eye colour.
She’s not doing a very good job, but trying. As for December, I have a feeling she is a self-insert as well. I have no clue who she might be, however.
A friend, possibly? It wouldn’t surprise me at all.
Post with 5 notes
YOU ALL KNEW IT WAS COMING.
UPON POPULAR REQUEST, HERE IS THE LOSS OF OUR SANITY.
Authors Notes: Hey everyone, thank you for your reviews and favorites, they make me really happy. I own nothing once again :)
America was awoken an hour later by a smiling England holding a tray full of food.
Of course. Food.
Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he sat the tray on his nightstand so he could help America get situated enough to eat his lunch.
Wait, the phrasing on this seems a little off. You’ve used the root of ‘sat’ a few too any times with the inclusion of ‘sitting’ and ‘sat’. You’re just repeating yourself here, so please try and use one or the other. I suggest you modify the second one as it doesn’t work quite as well. Perhaps saying something along the lines of ‘put’ would be a little better?
Once America was sat up, he began his protests.
“I’m not hungry England.” he whined, still feeling self conscious about his weight. Even if England supposedly did love him, that didn’t make the weight go away.
“America, you need to eat! Look, everything I’ve prepare for you is healthy, and it has vitamins you need to stay healthy! Please eat it, love.”
Okay, a few things.
One, nothing that England could make could in any way be ‘healthy’. Secondly, if America DOES want to lose weight, and he will not damage his health by doing so then he should be free to do so. It’s a personal choice, and England shouldn’t be forcing him food, a ‘nurturer’ or not.
America looked at the plate frowning. It was fish and chips, his favorite from when he was a child. He had to admit that fish did have health benefits, and he was hungry,
OKAY. LADIES AND GENTS, LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH.
We here at WTF Hetaliafanfiction are all British. Or, at least have lived in England and are currently doing so. And despite it being a popular and a frankly delicious dish, fish and chips is not healthy, nor ‘breakfast food’.
Fish and chips is battered, deepfried and heavy-in-fat fish which is often accompanied by equally as fatty tartare sauce.
Chips are, as you across the pond would call them, deep fried ‘french fries’.
In all, this most likely has more calories than a big mac meal.
IT IS NOT HEALTHY, AND WE DO NOT EAT IT ON A NORMAL, DAILY BASIS. THANK YOU.
but remembering all of their laughing faces and being publicly humiliated made him refuse the meal. Anything he put into his mouth would only add to his monstrous weight and add fuel to their insults and pranks.
“No dude, I just can’t…”
“America… Well, what if I helped you eat it? Would that be all right? We could share this meal.”
Actually a very good tactic in losing weight!
No, really. It’s an awesome way to cut your calories and share them with a friend!
Good Author, well done for getting something right!
America looked at his trembling hands and shook his head, “No, I told you I can’t. Not after today…” he explained finally being honest.
England’s heart swelled in guilt, sadness and fury all at once. He wanted to punish France and Prussia even more than he did outside of the Starbucks, but at the same time he wanted to punish himself. If he had just been there for America, then maybe America wouldn’t feel as insecure as he did.
“Are you really going to listen to that frog, America? He thinks eating snails is a delicacy, when I scrape them out from underneath my shoes everyday after I walk through my garden!
Technically the French eat a specially bred snail. England would know this.
And don’t even get me started on that douche Prussia!
Weren’t they friends at one point? Up until the first world war Britain was pretty good pals with the Germanics (while hating the French. This of course flipped around in WW1).
They’re both stupid idiots, who are probably just jealous!”
Of what, your rolls?
he yelled taking America’s shoulders into his hands.
“Do you even know what it’s like to be fat England? They laugh at you when you do eat, and they laugh at you when you don’t eat! I can never win, so what’s the point? At least this way I’ll drop the weight, even if they do laugh at my attempts!”
Or, you could, I don’t know, NOT LISTEN TO THEM?
“America, this isn’t the way to lose weight, there are healthier ways poppet!
He never called anyone ‘poppet’ in canon.
And besides, I don’t think you need to lose weight at all.”
Great to know you think so, Arthur! HOWEVER, LOSING WEIGHT IS AMERICA’S CHOICE. HIS BODY, HIS RULES.
America turned over in his bed, looking away from England. He wondered vaguely if this was another attempt to humiliate him. Why else would England be saying such nice things, he’s just trying to get me to believe them, so he can laugh at how stupid I am later, he thought taking his glasses off of his nightstand so he could see his former mentor better.
“Dude, I know this is a joke to you! Why don’t you just take me to the Jerry Springer show so you can humiliate me and beat the crap out of me? It would save a lot of time!” he yelled at the unsuspecting Brit.
You poor, insecure bastard.
I feel so sorry for how out of character you are, Al.
I wonder how painful it must be.
“America, I told you that I loved you, what kind of monster would joke about something like that? I meant what I said ducky,
and I have no intention of hurting you ever again! Now, you’re going to sit up and let me feed you this meal, and you’re going to like it!” England scolded the younger nation.
A bolt of electricity went up America’s spine after England had gotten so dominant with him. It was like someone had set fire to his cheeks. Blushing, the American opened his mouth, letting the older man spoon feed him like an infant.
“I can eat on my own…” he said puffing out his rosy cheeks in embarrassment.
The older nation ignored him, too caught up in the pleasure of feeding America.
I FEEL SO DIRTY READING THIS.
Watching the boy eat was like watching pornography to him,
but physically feeding America felt like the most erotic act he’d ever preformed in his long life.
He would shutter when America ate a particularly large bite of the fish, and little shocks would fly down south at the teasing little bites he took of the chips.
It was intoxicating.
Meanwhile, America was blushing like never before. Having the older man pamper him in such a way, was enough to make his knees turn into jello. Every time England would bring a fork full of food to his mouth, he’d look down shyly, making his chubby cheeks appear even chubbier, which England completely adored.
OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
ENGLAND, THIS IS NOT HEALTHY.
YOU NEED HELP.
America needed something to do with his hands, so he took to twiddling his fingers, much to older mans delight. England just wanted to eat the boy up (no pun intended).
“You’re enjoying this a little too much, aren’t you?” America asked before taking another bite.
Poor Alfred. You have No idea.
England blushed and sputtered, nearly dropping the fork, “It’s just… being this close to you it making me all hot and bothered.” he lied not wanting to admit his secret fetish.
Having a fetish or kink is one thing. But when it comes to brutally making life decisions for someone else over them, then that’s going too far.
“No, that’s not it… You know this reminds me of the Tyra Banks show, where that guy was extremely turned on by feeding his wife. He also liked that she was so overweight… Wait a second, do I look as big as that women? Is that why you’re attracted to me?” America yelled in horror.
“Yes, and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling nations and your cat!”
“No, no America, that’s not it at all! I’ve never even seen that show, so how would I know? I mean, yes I do get really hot watching you eat, I’m not going to lie about that,” England began taking America’s face in his hands, making them both blush, “But, you’re not even big.
Well, this is going AGAINST EVERYTHING THE AUTHOR HAS TOLD US.
It could be called VERY complex writing to bring forward that the narrator COULD be lying, but who are we kidding? The author can’t be as complex as to do that! We’re just being given two different things, yay!
You have a slight pudge that makes you look adorable, but you’re far from obese America! And even if you were obese I’d still love you!”
America’s heart melted at the Brits words, but he also couldn’t help the gnawing feeling in his stomach, “You think I’m pudgy?” he pouted.
“Yes, but in the most adorable way! When you were running around this house naked, I had to stop myself from biting your cute arse!
WHY WOULD YOU TELL HIM THAT YOU CREEP
It was just bouncing up and down with each step…” England trailed off getting lost in the memory.
America’s voice cut his thoughts short, “You really like me?” he asked shyly, blushing at England’s comments about his behind.
“I love you…” he whispered.
“But you’re such a chubby chaser!”
WHAT? DID AMERICA JUST BECOME THE FIC’S VOICE OF REASON?!?!
“Why did you make fun of me? It really hurt me, I thought you hated me… Everyone else calling me fat, I could have handled, if you had been there for me. I had no one on my side… Well except Canada, but no one listens to him most of the time…”
“Ugh, my point exactly!”
“Anyway… I don’t know, I guess I just started doing it out of immaturity. You know when a little boy likes a little girl in grade school, and he’s mean to here just to cover up the fact that he likes her… Well that is what I was doing. I feel like a bloody wanker because of it though…”
“You know, that would be kind of cute if I didn’t feel like shit…”
“Hmm… Well, why don’t I get you an ice cream cone? I know it wont make everything better, but it’ll be like a date.”
America looked away from England embarrassed, “Only if you get one too. I’m not eating alone.”
England gagged at the thought of ice cream, but choked it down, “I’ll get something, I promise, but I can’t guaranty it’ll be ice cream… I’ll get a doughnut or something.”
Scooting closer to America, the older nation took him into his arms, in a sweet embrace. Appreciating the hug, America snuggled into England’s shoulder, squishing his cheek cutely into this mans collar bone. Blushing, England lowered his hands, in order to play with America’s stomach pudge.
RUN, AMERICA. RUN!
“Ugh, stop playing with it, it’s so gross! I don’t see what you like about it!” he said pulling away from the Brit, who still had his fingers wrapped around America’s pudge.
“It’s so soft and cute!” he said pressing his fingers into it, causing America to giggle.
“There’s nothing cute about it! I’m a big blubbery whale! Look at it, it’s like jello!”
“Well you know what they say, there’s always room for jello, baby~” he purred seductively.
England puckered his lips, and began lowering America down onto the bed, merely ghosting his lips over the weight conscious nations. Once America was fully sprawled out beneath the him, the Brit swung a leg over America’s waist, and kissed him fully on his lips. Blushing, America’s eyes rolled into the back of his head. He’d never been kissed like this before. England lowered his hands once again to play with America’s cute little belly,
It was going quite nicely until we got back to the stomach fat.
but was interrupted by his cell phone ringing.
Raising up quickly, he opened his phone, “Who the bloody hell is this?” he yelled. That moment was perfect, and my bloody phone had to go and ruin it, England thought listening to the person on the other line.
“Hola, England? It’s Spain!” England rolled his eyes. Like I hadn’t figured that out, England thought as the Spaniard continued. “Germany wanted me to tell you that the second half of the meeting is rescheduled for tomorrow morning, because all he did when everyone got back was yell at Prussia and France.”
England smirked, “Did they cry?”
“Que? Well France did, but Prussia just kind of sat there and took it.”
“It serves them right! I’m not done with them yet, you make sure to tell them that!”
“Si, I will. I tried to stop them, I really did! I just can’t stand to see anyone hurting someone over something so simple as weight. My Romano was weight conscious at one point too, and I’d punch out anyone who even looked at him funny!”
ARE WE LOOKING AT THE SAME CHARACTER HERE?
“Oh I see, that was very nice of you Spain.”
“It was nothing, I couldn’t even stop them. Is America okay?”
England smiled and handed America the phone, “He wants to know if you’re okay.”
“Hello Spain?” America said reluctantly.
“Mi amigo, are you all right? What France and Prussia did today was completely out of line today! I tried to stop them, and I kept asking if you were okay, but you must have been in a trance or something!”
“I will be… I’ve got England here for me now, so I’ll be okay with time…” he said honestly, looking at England lovingly. The Brit was stroking his fingers down America’s neck causing him to blush and stutter.
“T-thanks for ch-checking on me.”
“No problem, I’ll let you get back to your love making now~”
I know you’re a romantic country, Antonio, but that was a little Out of Character?
Spain said hanging up before America could protest.
Handing England his phone, he laid back onto his bed, “England… did I hear Spain say we had a meeting tomorrow?”
England stopped his gentle caresses and stared at America becoming worried, “Oh no, maybe we should reschedule!”
Why? What would that achieve? Nothing happened to America. Prussia wouldn’t be allowed in, and everyone would most likely oppose Francis for taking part in ‘humiliating’ America (Although the ‘prank’ they pulled ACHIEVED LITERALLY NOTHING, THEREFORE MAKING IT COMPLETELY USELESS). Germany, who leads majorit of the meetings is on their side. They’d gain more than they’d lose.
The younger nation shook his head, “No, England. I have to prove to them that I’m not a coward. I’m going!”
“America, I don’t know what I’ll do if someone says anything to you, I’m likely to snap.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine… because I have you…”
England blushed, “I’m still punching anyone out if they say anything about your weight!”
Okay, I still don’t understand. Is America fat or not? England goes through mood swings of saying he is and then he isn’t and I have no idea WHAT THE FUCK TO IMAGINE OR WHAT TO AGREE WITH?
“I wouldn’t have it any other way, dude!”
Nice of you to condone violence, ‘murica.
I’m such a hopeless romantic,
Yeah, well, you’re not very good at writing it, either.
stay tuned for chapter four to find out what happens at the meeting! Thank you for reading!
Edit: I edited this, sorry for all the typos from before, it should be fine now.
You still had typos, idiot.Chapter four, coming soon!
Post with 5 notes
Hiya! Mod Socks on this case! Moderator Cleopatra is revising for her A-Levels and Moderator FabulousFelixxx is being a lazy ass! So, rather than to beta read the reviews, I will be doing one of my own! :D
Submitter: I just have five words to describe this fanfiction- My Immortal of Hetalia Fandom. Enjoy~ Or not. Probably the latter.
My name is Summer Reiko Knight. Im 17, and Im really into Japanese stuff, especially anime.
I hate you already. First of all, it’s ‘I’m’. Second of all, I smell a ‘Sue.
I have long black and blue hair that goes to my butt thats kinda of a emo cut and big lavender eyes.
How is it black and blue? Is that natural? I hope not. Otherwise your mother must’ve been on some crazy-ass drug abuse to get it that way.
Newsflash, ‘emo cut’ refers to a whole umbrella of different hairstyles. Please stop being as lazy as to generalize it as you are.
Im pretty skinny (not anrexic, though!), but my boobs are big but I can still hide them if I want to.
Because when I think skinny, I always think anorexic (!).
Why was the part about the boobs that necessary, though?
Im really curvy.
I like to wear clothing that is a mix of black and bright colors, and their punk looking.
The juvenile description is really making my brain hurt. Is there honestly no other way in which you could have described this? ‘punk looking’, again, covers a whole lot of different styles. Are you thinking of the work of Vivienne Westwood? The classy styles of the ‘80’s? Bondage pants? What are you referring to in punk?!
As a person with a keen interest in the era (mod Socks is a punk!England cosplayer for this reason), this is almost insulting in how pathetically little you seem to know and yet display as a part of your character because it is ‘cool’.
I have snake bites and piercings all over my ears.
All of the people in my school make fun of me for having all my piercings and my punk clothes, especially the head cheerleader (but I call them cheerbitches, cuz thats what they are), Bethany, and her other cheerbitches, Britney, Lindsay, Jessica, and Khloe.
OF COURSE. ALL CHEERLEADERS ARE NON-REDEEMABLE BULLIES AND BITCHES.
You know, I was a cheerleader and I have plenty of friends who are cheerleaders, and we all turned out to be mean, nasty and horrible ‘hoes’.
There all blonde, wear pink, and shop at Hollister
Only one out of the ten cheerleaders I know is blonde. Granted, this cannot be held accountable as an average of all cheerleaders, but the fact that you are stereotyping the blonde, female population like this is offensive and vain, and makes you seem dumb for not being able to think outside of the goddamn box.
Please try again.
so yeah of coarse they hate me and torment me. Today Bethany and the cheerbitches had me cornered in the girl’s bathroom.
Why do they hate you, though? Any backstory? Explanation?
HAHAHA! That’d be much too smart for this story.
“Hey emo kid where did you get those clothes did you go dumpster-driving?”
GET YOUR GIF’S READY, GUYS. WE’RE HEADING INTO MEAN GIRLS TERRITORY.
She laughed meanly and the other girls did to. Sparkling diamond tears were falling down my cheeks now.
Well, I’ll give you points for the most pointlessly over the top description ever.
How could anyone be so mean?
My question exactly, oh ‘Sue-y one.
“Why is you’re hair so fucking stupid? I think were gonna fix that for you.”
she said. And than she took out a box of blond hair die! SHE WAS GONNA DYE MY HAIR BLOND!
Please, cheerleaders. Do your worst. I wanna see this girl suffer.
As I whipped the sparkling tears out of my eyes I knew their was only one thing I could do…..
Black neko ears with hot pink colored tips sprang out of my head and a black neko tail with a hot pink colored tip grew out of my back.
In my mouth, my teeth turned into sparkling fangs and my obsidian painted nails turned into scary claws.
The fugly preps screamed.
I WONDER WHY.
I hissed and flattened my neko ears. They screamed again and ran away crying.
SOMEBODY SHOOT THAT THING.
“OMG I cant believe you did that!” Said my best friend, December Miyuki Days. She had large, silvery-white, stormy eyes, and hair like a waterfall of Swiss chocolate, the kind that you dip strawberries in and feed them to your girlfriend or boyfriend, then have the greatest sex you’ve ever had.
Okay. Jesus Christ, I love this description.
Her skin was pale, but her cheeks were rosy, like the strawberries that you wanted to dip into her hair. She really could-should-have been a French model on a Paris runway.
She sweat dropped
NO. STOP WRITING IN ‘SWEAT DROPPED’. THAT IS NOT CORRECT, NOR A CORRECT WAY OF DESCRIBING SWEAT. YOU COULD SAY SO MUCH MORE, DESCRIBE THIS BLOODY THING SO MUCH BETTER, BUT…
and hit me on the head. I grabbed the back of my head and looked up at her and made a sad face. “Owies.” I said.
“SPARTA!” I yelled my voice full of church bell glee. I giggled cutely.
You are not cute.
“SERIOUS!” She yelled. “What if Kim and Jay find out?” I sighed angrily. I felt angry now. “They wont”
Okay, I’m giving up with this shitty grammar.
I growled. “Its not like there my parents. Anyways I don’t really see them that much anyway cuz were like roommates” I said feeling a little happier nao.
OKAY, GRAMMAR NAZI TENDENCIES.
We left school and went to where December lived in a big abandoned apartment building.
HOW DO YOU PAY TO LIVE IF YOU ARE IN FULL TIME EDUCATION?
Her apartment was really cool looking and edgy. The walls had Green Day and Bring Me The Horizon and anime posters and the walls were painted black and purple. She had big dresser with a mirror on it and it was purple. Lots of goth looking make up was on it. Their were two big beds, one on one side and the other on the other side. December’s bed was black pink and mine was black purple. There was a flat screen TV on the wall to. The floor had a fluffy red carpet on it.
All around the room waz black-pink lace was strung up. It wus a AWESOME girls dream cume true. I loved it very much.
We went to the little kitchen and made sushi for dinner. But when we went to sit down to eat, someone broke down the door….!
Teehee, I’m sooo evil making a cliffie at the first chapter:3 Sorry its so short, I promise they will get longer! Pls review or Gilbird will get you!:D
WHAT KIND OF CLIFFHANGER WAS THAT WHAT THE FUCK I CAN’T EVEN….
(Spoiler Alert) Summer and December are two states- Summer being New York and December being California.
I have no clue whether December is a self-insert or not, but Summer is. The author’s profile is all about how Prussia is her husband, and guess who falls in love with each other on sight? Prussia and Summer. There are three chapters, this being the first. I’ll send the second after a critique on this.
Post with 2 notes
Submitter: This made my brain explode. Seriously. I mean, wtf?
Dreading this already.
I’ve been out here for I’m guessing a few months.
Oh, well, this isn’t a sentence that’s all that bad to start off with. I’d say the grammar is a teeny-weeny bit off, as I’d say ‘I’ve been out here for what I guess to be a few months’. However, we’ve had a lot worse, and-
I am half human, dog, and ghost.
Oh. Also, shouldn’t it be ‘a ghost’? Being a spiritual being isn’t a specie. It’d be nice if you could have defined what being ‘ghost’ was, considering there’s an immense amount of interpretations of this trope.
The government caught me
Ugh… Okay, I hate to be nitpicking and yelling this early on in the fic, but WHY is the government always scapegoated as the ‘EEEEEEVIL SCIENTISTS WHO DO NONSENSICAL EXPERIMENTS FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES LOL’. Typically, it’s quite rare that the government go out of their way to do permanent, or potentially harmful experiments to human beings (the Nazis and experimentation in concentration camps as well as a few others and etcetera being a major outliar in this case in point). Usually, these experiments are FOR THE GOOD OF THE NATION AND ITS PEOPLE. PLEASE BEAR THIS IN MIND.
and started experimenting on me.
Please specify? I mean, a half-human half-dog would be IMMENSELY interesting to study.
FROM A GOVERNMENTAL LABORATORY? HOW?
but now I can’t turn into a dog,
YOU CAN SHAPESHIFT? ALL THIS TIME, BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF DETAILS, I WAS IMAGINING THIS HIDEOUS HALF-HUMAN HALF-DOG MONGREL CROSSBREED.
instead I have my dog ears instead of human and my tail.
Oh, GREAT. You’re one of those ‘kawaii neko’ (inu?) things. My faith in humanity has yet again fallen by twenty percent.
I can also still talk to animals as well….
Why can you talk to ANIMALS?Dogs, I could understand. They primarily communicate through varying postures, stances and other body language. Being part ‘dog’, I could let this slide. However, not all ANIMALS have the same way of communicating, or use different bodylanguage to express different things (A dog may wag its tail if it is happy, for instance, while a cat does so in annoyance). IF YOU EXPLAINED AND JUSTIFIED WHY THIS IS THE CASE, IT WOULD BE OKAY. Now, you look fucking idiotic.
but I can’t speak to humans.
Why? You’re part human, and it shouldn’t stop you now, considering you have a human mentality and a mostly human BODY. IF YOU, AGAIN, JUSTIFIED THIS WITH SOME KIND OF EVIDENCE OF WHY THIS WOULD BE THE CASE (Say, the scientists fucked up your voicebox), THEN THIS COULD BE OKAY.
AT THE MOMENT, YOU ARE LOOKING INCREDIBLY STUPID. WELL DONE.
I’ve been living with a pack of wolfs
Why? How? For what purpose? WHERE ARE YOU?
and the leader, Dominico,
HOW DOES A WILD, NON EDUCATED WOLF KNOW HOW TO FORM THE SYLLABLES AND ETCETERA TO FORM A NAME? WHAT?
said I can stay as long as I help hunt and take care of the puppies,
Wolves are fucking territorial. You would most likely not be allowed NEAR the puppies, you retard.
like teaching them how to hunt.
I decided, since I’m not helping any puppies today, I’ll go hunt by myself.
YOU ARE HUMAN. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU MEANT TO HUNT LIKE A WOLF? YOUR ANATOMY DICTATES YOU CANNOT RUN AS FAST AS A WOLF, OR ON FOUR LEGS PROPERLY, YOU DO NOT HAVE THE TEETH OF A WOLF, NOR CAN YOU EAT RAW FLESH WITHOUT CHANCES OF CATCHING SALMONELLA, YOU INSOLENT TWAT. LEARN ABOUT THESE THINGS, RESEARCH THEM AND JUSTIFY THEM.
I went off into the woods after telling Dominico where I was going. Sometime later I found a rabbit,
I was always against killing animals,
mostly for sport since I like meat,
…So, you kill them for shits and giggles, but you waste it, even if you like meat… Darling, I don’t think you quite know what the meaning of ‘sport’ is.
but I had to do it or I’ll be on my own.
WHAT? But… YOU’RE IN A PACK.
Quietly I got up to it without realizing there were a human also wanting to catch the rabbit near by. The rabbit saw the man first and came right to me. I pounced and attacked it with my teeth before carrying it back to the pack,
The mental image of a naked girl ripping apart a poor bunny with her bare teeth made me gag a bit. Surely, that kind of thing would best be filmed and put on a shock site?
that’s when I saw the man. I backed up whimpering.
“Vee, it’s ok! Come here, Belle.” said an Italian clapping his hands together close to his knees like he wanted me to come to him.
FIRST OF ALL, IT’S ‘OKAY’. NOT ‘OK’. SECONDLY, WHAT LANGUAGE IS HE SPEAKING IN? This takes place during the second world war, and using the accent ‘ve’ suggests that he is speaking in Japanese, considering that it was his quirk in the JAPANESE VERSION ONLY. However, he is by himself, in the middle of nowhere. WHY IS HE SPEAKING IN JAPANESE? HOW DO WE KNOW HE IS ITALIAN, IF HE IS SPEAKING IN JAPANESE?
I walked up to him, sniffing at first, he patted my head and starting scratching my ear.
Are you naked? Because it was never specified if the chick was wearing clothes. If so, ITALY, YOU PERV!
“Good girl! What’s your name?” he asked being gently with me.
How does I ‘gently with you’?
I wish I could speak to him….I barked.
So… You have a voicebox, you can form coherent human thoughts and yet you can’t speak?
“Can’t you speak?” he asked still scratching behind my ear. I looked up to him with a sad face and started whimpering again.
You are pathetic.
“Vee, well….I’ll call you puppy for now!
Jesus Christ, Feli. I know you’re facist at the moment, BUT THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR!
Puppy, come I’ll show you to my two friends, you can stay with us.” he said motioning me to follow. I followed him to his camp, I met his two friends, Germany and Japan.
WHAT IF SHE WAS FROM THE ALLIES, YOU DIPSHIT?
“So, she can’t speak Italy-san?” Japan asked coming up to me.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. Their… Camp. So… We’re on the island? THERE’S WILD WOLVES LIVING ON THE ISLAND? OH FUCK! RUN, AXIS POWERS! RUN!
“As far as I know of she can only bark, it explains her ears and tail.” Italy replied to him.
HOW DOES IT EXPLAIN ANYTHING?
“Look there is a note in her collar.” said Germany pointing at my collar.
Poor Germany. You’re so OOC right now, it hurts.
Japan took the note and started to read, “It saids, ‘Lexi Phantom,
PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISN’T REFERENCING TO DANNY PHANTOM. THAT SHOW IS MY FUCKING CHILDHOOD.
14, half human, half dog, half ghost, experimented on already,
How specific (!). ALSO, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT. SHE WOULD BE A THIRD OF EVERYTHING, BECAUSE IF YOU ADD ALL THOSE FUCKING NUMBERS UP, YOU’D GET ONE AND A HALF, AND NOT ONE. ALSO, A GHOST ISN’T A SPECIE.
April 22, 2012’ what? That’s not possible!” said Japan looking at the note.
I started wagging my tail and barking trying to tell them that’s me.
“Is it really you Lexi-san?” Japan asked patting my head. I kept barking and wagging my tail.
Considering you’re meant to look human, you’d be looking quite retarded as of the minute. Not a good thing, considering you’re standing right by a Nazi.
“That’s a yes…..she actually could be useful to us.” Germany said.
HOW? IT’S A FUCKING GIRL. YOU, SIR, ARE CURRENTLY WORLD WAR TWO GERMANY. YOU CONFORM TO HITLER’S BELIEFS, AND IF YOU DO NOT, IT SHOULD BE JUSTIFIED. YOU BELIEVE WOMEN SHOULD STAY AT HOME AND HAVE CHILDREN, AND UNLESS YOU WANT TO PERFORM MORE EXPERIMENTS ON THAT FUCKING DOG HUMAN THING, YOU WOULD NOT BE SAYING THIS.
Shhhh, it’s okay, Ludwig. Walk the OOC off. You’ll be okay.
“What do you mean?” Italy asked while I just tilted my head.
“She can help fight off the Allies,
One dog-human thing against more than six FULLY GROWN, SUPERPOWERED NATIONS. YUP. SEEMS LEGIT.
I mean the AMERICAN government probably did this and god knows what to her,
WAIT WHAT HOW DID YOU COME TO THE CONCLUSION IT WAS THE AMERICANS?
Also, am I the only one who sees the slight irony in WORLD WAR TWO GERMANY PREACHING AGAINST HUMAN TESTING?
I’m sure she would want revenge on them, am I right girl?” Germany replied looking from Italy to me.
Yes, Germany. You are a right girl.
Oh, wait! You must’ve meant ‘right, girl’. Sorry, whoops. The lack of comma really fucked that up for me.
I gave a little nod saying yes I kind of do want to get revenge on them.
WAIT, WHAT? HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS THE YANKS THAT DID THIS TO YOU? WHAT THE HELL?
“Then it’s settled, Lexi Phantom, you are the Axis Ghost Dog or AGD for short.” Germany said standing up.
I love how they just TAKE IN A DOG THEY THINK THE ENEMY CREATED, OH GOD. AUTHOR YOU ARE A COMPLETE TWIT.
“But how is she here? It saids she had been experimented on, which explains a lot of things but were far from being in 2012!” Japan said.
*says. ‘Saids’ isn’t a WORD.
“I’m not sure, whoever did experiment on her probably sent her back to this time somehow. AGD follow me.” Germany said walking over to his tent. That’s when I realized I was in the past, but how? I was just in 2012.…now I’m back during World War two?
IT TOOK YOU THIS LONG TO NOTICE? WHAT, DID YOU HAVE A MENTAL BLANK WHEN THEY CALLED YOU THE ‘AXIS-FUCKING-POWERS GHOST DOG’?
I followed him to his tent and lied down by him.
*lay. I’m sure you lied to him, too.
“Ok, I’m sure you have learned about this already, we are in World War two, Me, Japan, and Italy are the main Axis Powers, America, England, France, Russia, and China, are the Allies. Bark once if you know what I’m talking about bark twice if no.” Germany said scratching my ear. I gave him one bark. ‘Yes, I did learn about this already, I know what’s going on right now…..but would me being here destroy the present? Or future?’ I thought to myself.
OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. WHY IS THIS REMOTELY NECESSARY?
“Good, then I won’t have to explain, we will head back to my place tomorrow,
You might want to be careful with that, dog-person. Nazi Germany didn’t like disfigured people, or those with ‘defects’ very much… I’m not sure how they’ll take a half human, half dog… Thing.
for now go to sleep you have a long day of training tomorrow.”
Germany said walking out of the tent.
‘What did I just get myself into?’ I thought to myself, I did what he said and fell asleep, it was nice being on a warm blanket with another covering me.
A PRETTY GOOD QUESTION TO ASK. Horrible Histories probably has the answer.
I woke up and went out of the tent, ‘I must have been more tired then I thought I was.’ I thought to myself, I never noticed we were on a beach.
“Vee, Lexi, come here!” Italy said motioning me over to him.
I walked over to him and saw that they were roasting marshmallows.
“Want one?” he asked handing me a smore. I took it and quickly ate it. Been a long time since I had a smore. Italy patted my head and started roasting another marshmallow. That’s when we heard something from above.
“Listen to me in my total hero voice, guys, China, I choose you!” said an American. They all came down and started to attack.
WHOAH, COULD THIS BE A CORRECTLY WRITTEN SCENE?
“Damn it! The Allies found us!” Germany yelled. I was hiding behind Italy unsure of what to do.
…So, you have three nations. Who are supposedly immortal, and stronger than a human… And they send out a DOG-HUMAN THING? Clearly Germany is a tactical genius.
Germany said looking at me and pointed toward China. I obeyed and attacked China and bit his leg.
Again, the mental image of this is disgusting.
“Aiyaa! She bit me! Aru!” China yelled while Russia held up his faucet pipe at me. I looked over to him and started whimpering while letting go of China, he kicked me right after I let go of him. I shook my head and backed away a little.
“AGD! Attack again!” Germany yelled once more. I looked up at Russia and stayed where I was while America came over to me.
“What the hell did you do to her?” America asked coming down to my level and looking at Germany. Germany handed him the note. America read it,
“M-my government did this to you?”
HOW DO THEY KNOW IT WAS THE AMERICANS? AM I MISSING SOMETHING?
America asked with a sympathetic look. I nodded my head and whimpered. “I’m sorry they did this…maybe this time government can fix what they did to you and help you get back home!” he said jumping up in the air.
“Nein! She isn’t going back!” Germany said still in a yelling voice.
“HE SAID IN A YELLING VOICE.”
Because you couldn’t just write, y’know, ‘he yelled’?
“Are you serious? It’s for her best that she goes back and I’m sure she will find us all again in 2012. Right girl?” America said looking down at me. I barked and wagged my tail.
“See? And when she finds one of us, whoever it is better make sure this doesn’t happen again.” England said speaking up.
I barked again wanting my tail to be gone and my human ears back….but I still want to be half human, half ghost, half dog.
Whatever. This sucked. Majorly. The plot made no sense, had more holes than an anthill and was JUST GENERALLY HORRIBLE.
Post with 2 notes
Yes. We are doing this. People just LOVED the last chapter ;D
It is for three, clear, COMPLETELY NOT SARCASTIC REASONS:
- I am a fatshaming ‘skinny person’.
- I am a vendetta.
- I personally despise the author.Now that we have that out of the way, TO THE FIC:
Authors Notes: Wow I wasn’t expecting so many reviews and favorites, thank you, you guys. I didn’t mean to make some of you cry :( but I guess that’s what art is supposed to do. Anyway, I own nothing, enjoy chapter two :)
Not trying to question the emotions of other people, here. But what in the world about the last chapter made ANYONE cry?! Excuse me if I’m wrong here, or if it’s a matter of personal opinion, but THERE IS NOTHING TO CRY OVER.
America ran out of the Starbucks as fast as he could, shoving past the Frenchmen
There’s more than one French person? MORE THAN ONE FRANCIS? Or is that a grammatical error?
and the German who had just publicly humiliated him. Knowing he couldn’t run all the way home, covered in strawberry ice cream no less, he hailed a taxi for the second time that day. Luckily, he got the same cab driver.
What a coincidence (!).
“Wow, hey Stretch! You really must be living the dream, you’re leaking it all over my cab!” the driver laughed, but quickly shut up when he saw that America was crying.
Okay, for a cab driver, this guy is a REALLY GOOD NATURED ONE. I’d be more pissed than anything if some douchebag jumped in and made it all really messy with MILKSHAKE.
That stuff ferments in days! After a week, my cab would smell like baby vomit.
So, thank you, unnamed cabbie (spoiler alert: His name is Jim). The world needs more drivers like you!
“You remember where my house is right…?” he asked through his tears looking at the drivers name, “…um Jim…?”
“Yeah I remember… You wanna talk about why you’re covered in… pink stuff? I’ll listen…”
OKAY, JIM, YOU’RE GETTING TOO FRIENDLY.
STRANGER DANGER, ALFRED. STRANGER DANGER.
“No I don’t want to bother you…”
There should be a comma after the ‘no’.
“Hey, I drive weirdo’s around all day, it’d be nice to listen to a normal person’s problems for once.”
You’re saying that the GUY WITH THE PINK MILK ON HIS HEAD IS ‘NORMAL’. JIM, I AM WORRIED. WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE DO YOU DRIVE?
America looked at the driver from the back seat. He had a five o clock shadow and a beer gut he didn’t seem to be ashamed of. His greasy hair glistened in the New York sun, as he adjusted his mirror to get a better look at America.
Is it bad that I want to know more about JIM THAN I DO ABOUT THE REST OF THESE WANKERS?
Why is Jim not the main character?
“Well, I was at a U.N. Meeting, and the other nations that I work with, make fun of my weight…”
Jim looked at America though his mirror, raising a curious eyebrow, “You’re not fat kid, not at all, you seem average to me. I saw you walking outside, and I’m sure every man in New York wants to be you. Dude even covered in ice cream, they’d still want to be you. Anyway, U.N. Meeting? You look too young to be a politician.”
“Well… I’m smart for my age so they gave me the job anyways,” he lied to covered up the fact that he was actually a country.
‘LIED’? YOU DON’T SAY.
Jim seemed to buy it, “Oh, I see. Well those Europeans are all really skinny anyways, you can’t listen to them, they think someone is fat if they weigh over 130! 130 is thin to me, all most too thin.”
You know what’s FUCKING HILARIOUS? People are defending this fanfic as an anti-bullying one.
THAT IS JUST HILARIOUS.
I think they must’ve NOT READ THIS FIC, BECAUSE WOW! SKINNY SHAMING IS TOTALLY NOT BULLYING AND IS MORALLY RIGHT. YUP. TOTALLY (!).
You might think that skinny-shaming is okay, because fat people get picked on, right?
No. No, skinny-shaming is equally as unacceptable. Guess what? FAT EUROPEANS EXIST. Obesity is a BIG PROBLEM IN EUROPE.Also, the 130 thing. NO.
STOP. WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE FOR THIS? DO YOU HAVE A QUOTE FROM THE MAJORITY OF THE EUROPEAN COMMUNITY SAYING THAT WE FIND THE WEIGHT OF 130 (pounds or kilograms? I have no fucking clue, but I’ll assume pounds since he is American) TOO HEAVY. PLEASE.
AS A PERSON LIVING IN THE EU, I’M REALLY *DYING* TO KNOW.
That assumption is horrible, and VERY CLOSE MINDED.
Before you tell me that this is Jim’s character, and one of his flaws, let me stop you. That would be implying that the author of this fic had SKILL TO WRITE A THREE DIMENSIONAL CHARACTER.
AND WHILE YOU MAY BE GETTING HOPEFUL THAT A THREE DIMENSIONAL CHARACTER MAY INDEED BE THE CASE, LET ME GIVE YOU THE EVIDENCE THAT THIS IS WHAT THE AUTHOR THINKS, AS STATED BY ALFRED:
“Yeah I know…
It is quite clear that from the juvenile writing that this is not a plotpoint, nor anything that will be further looked at IN THE FIC. Alfred is technically skinny-shaming. As is the cab driver.
This disgusts me. This author’s close-mindedness DISGUSTS ME. THE FACT THAT PEOPLE HAVE THE GALL TO SAY THAT THIS FANFIC IS REMOTELY ‘ANTI-BULLYING’ DISGUSTS ME. And while I was hoping not to bring my personal opinion of the Author into this, this part will not be silenced. I’m sorry. This is wrong.
Anyway, we were taking a lunch break, and I went to Starbucks for coffee, and was followed by the British representative, because he said he wanted to make it up to me because he made fun of me that morning. I thought he was serious, because we used to be close and everything… But it turns out he was just trying to trap me and the French representative and a German came and dumped this strawberry shake all over my head… So here I am now…”
I love how he refers to what used to be THE KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA as ‘A German’. If he isn’t a representative, THEN WHAT IS HE EVEN DOING THERE? Please, these kinds of things need to be EXPLAINED.
“I’m sorry kid…
The lack of comma fails you here. You’re saying ‘you’re sorry kid’. Are you A sorry kid? No? But that is indeed what you are implying.
Learn how to use commas. It makes you look a LOT more professional. Please and thank you.
It sounds like high school, they’re pretty immature if you ask me. They’re also guests in our country.”
“They think they have the right because their older…”
There is a difference between ‘THEIR’ AND ‘THEY’RE’.
Jim sneered in his mirror out of disgust for the nations who had bullied America, “Well they don’t! If anything they should be a little softer because you’re just a kid.
Never minding the fact that he’s actually HUNDREDS OF YEARS OLD, he is nineteen. He is not ‘just a kid’. He is a man. A grown up man.
They should set an example!” he explained passionately as they arrived in front of America’s house.
“Thanks for the talk man, I feel a little better…” he said getting out of the taxi after paying Jim.
Yup, ‘Murica. Take the asspats and bash the ‘EVIL SKINNY EUROPEANS’. That’s totally the correct thing to do!
“No problem kid, I’ll see you around. Remember stiff upper lip!” he said pulling away from the waving American.
Goodbye, Jim. I’ll always remember you!
Walking into his house, America wiped newly formed tears from his face. The talk with the nice taxi driver had made him feel a little better, but now he was alone. He hated being alone.
He went to take a shower, not bothering to call Germany to tell him he wouldn’t be returning to the meeting. He had a feeling the German would here about this fiasco from his brother.
I BELIEVE THE WORD YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IS *’HEAR’.
Stripping himself naked, he stared at himself in his bathroom mirror. Taking the round pudge in his hands, he squeezed becoming disgusted with himself. Surely the driver had been just trying to make him feel better, he told himself hopping in the shower, too disgusted to look at himself anymore.
As the water collided with his flesh, something broke inside of America. He began to sob, his tears mixing in with the hot water running down his body. He suddenly felt like a child again, playing with the children in his town. They would call him fat too, and refuse to let him play.
Okay, from this whole trainwreck, that is probably the only couple of paragraphs I legitimately like. Why? Because it is without horrible stereotypes, and close-mindedness. It actually SHOWS, and doesn’t JUST TELL.
It show’s Al’s conflict with himself.
BUT DON’T GET USED TO IT, FOLKS. IT REALLY DOESN’T LAST.
He would run home to England and he would make everything okay again… but this time he couldn’t run to England, because he had turned into one of the bullies.
(Somebody needs to do a gif of a shark with iggybrows).
As America showered, England arrived at his house and welcomed himself inside, using the key America had given him in case of emergencies.
ENGLAND. HE CLEARLY WAS OFFENDED BY YOU, AND THIS IS TOO SOON FOR YOU TO INTRUDE.
LEAVE THE POOR BASTARD ALONE.
As he walked through the living room, he heard America’s sobs over the loud shower and flinched.
Bravely, England walked into the bathroom
WAIT WHAT. ENGLAND, STOP.
and yanked open the shower curtain
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
to reveal the nude American in all of his glory.
He’s beautiful… England thought looking up him up and down, making America uncomfortable and start weeping louder.
THIS IS TOO WRONG.
“England, if you and your stupid friends don’t get out of my house, I’m calling the police, you’re taking this too far. Yeah, I get it I’m fat, now you can go back to your boring lives, cause I never want to see you again!”
THANK YOU. THANK YOU, ALFRED. PLEASE, ENGLAND. STOP BEING A CREEP AND GO THE FUCK AWAY.
“America, I’m the only one here! America please listen to me, I had nothing to do with that, I promise!”
AT LEAST WAIT FOR HIM TO GET OUT OF THE SHOWER.
It’s common knowledge that people insecure about their bodies do NOT WANT TO BE LOOKED AT WHILE IN THE NUDE.
“You’re such a liar England! A pathetic liar who has nothing better to do than to make my life miserable!” America screamed shoving past England, walking out of the bathroom stark naked.
England followed, staring at his behind almost drooling,
“America, I swear that I’m not lying poppet!” Oh god, I just want to bite it, he thought wantonly.
“Shut up! You’re just a mean old man England!” he yelled walking into his bedroom, trying to slam the door. England put his foot between the door and the frame, to keep it open.
“I beat them up for you…” he whispered gently.
America’s face visibly soften,
The grammar of that is really off. I believe you were meaning to say ‘softened’, as it doesn’t make much sense in the present tense.
but he persisted, “Does that make you a saint or something? Am I suppose to throw myself at your feet yelling ‘My hero!’ I think not England! You really hurt me today. You fucking betrayed me!”
BUT HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING YOU PARANOID DIPSHIT.
Except look at your flubber hungrily. I’m still warning you to be careful about that, Alfred.
Throwing open his bedroom door, America shoved past England to get his bathrobe. Wrapping himself in his red, white, and blue robe, he turned towards England, who was following him through the house.
“I never betrayed you America!”
“Yes you did, stop lying!” America screamed become frantic, tears streaming down his face.
“No I didn’t, I swear! I had nothing to do with that!”
You’re being SO convincing (!).
“Shut up! How can you go from being a complete bastard to me this morning, then suddenly inviting to lunch and being nice? Either you’re two faced or you planed that whole thing with Prussia and France!”
Okay, this is a yet another instance in which because Alfred’s stubbornness to believe that Arthur is the bad guy is not explained, he looks overly DUMB, and seems out of character.
Explain why he is so hateful! Give reasons behind it! Otherwise it hardly makes sense, and makes you, AS THE WRITER, look bad.
Yes, you can do any AU or idea with fanfiction. ANYTHING AT ALL. You could turn Alfred into a pink elephant if you wanted to, however, you must explain the reason WHY that is the case and how it came to be. This is the author’s main downfall.
America rushed into the kitchen and pulled a knife from the rack. Holding it up to his throat he turned towards his former mentor, “I’m not doing this anymore! I don’t care if my county collapses, I’m finished!” he yelled getting ready to do something drastic.
HEY, DUDE. This is offensive to people who have committed suicide and have attempted to. The fact that you, YET AGAIN WITHOUT ANY FUCKING EXPLANATION, decided to force this onto the readers, is not okay.
“Whoa, just hold on America! Take it easy, give me the knife…” he said inching closer to the desperate American, “It’s not worth it, I promise…”
“I just want the pain to stop… I’m tired of being stupid, and I’m tired of being fat! You know, you’re the one who was always supposed to protect me, and you blew it!” he screamed as England inched closer, trying to remain calm.
Dear Lord, I feel sick at having to read through this BULLSHIT.
This is literally as laughable as the attempted suicide in that ABC movie, Cyberbully. Check it out and laugh.
“I know poppet… I know… but I want to make it up to you. You have to give me another chance, but you have to start by giving me the knife…” he whispered, wrapping his fingers around the handle.
“No! No, this is a trick, I just know it! You don’t care about me, you never have!” America said jerking away, cutting his hand on accident.
I hate having to repeat myself, BUT THE LACK OF EXPLANATION IS MAKING THIS OOC AND HORRIBLE AND I-
I AM SO DONE.
“No just stay away!”
“No, I love you! I’m not leaving you, never again!” England shouted, his face heating up from the words he just said.
“Liar! You don’t love me! You just don’t want this on your conscious!”
*Conscience, dipshit. Either way, I’m pretty sure it’d remain on his conscious.
“I’m not lying, I really love you!” he shouted taking the knife from America’s hands and throwing it into the sink, “America, come with me love, I’ll clean up your hand and I’ll put you to bed, all right?”
“No…” he cried only half way refusing. He really was tired, but he wasn’t going to let England know that.
And now, he seems pretty fucking pathetic.
“America, please…,” he said holding out his hand, “I love you…”
America blushed and looked at his feet. Did England really mean it? He thought as left over tears streamed down his face. He looks serious…
HE’S SAID IT SERIOUSLY ABOUT THREE TIMES NOW.
YOUR COMPLETELY UNEXPLAINED STUPIDITY IS MAKING ME WANT TO BARF.
Taking England’s hand, America left himself be sat on the counter, as the Brit began working on his wounded hand. He was gentle, feeling as if the American would break if he were to touch him the wrong way.
“That was very drastic love, you have to promise me, you’ll never do that again.” he said choosing his words wisely. What he really wanted to say was, ‘What the bloody hell were you thinking? You could have hurt yourself you wanker!’ but he decided to save that lecture for when America was in his right mind again.
As a person who has attempted suicide, this is making me want to commit it. Nice of you to put it into the WARNINGS SECTION as a TRIGGER WARNING, by the way.
“I don’t wanna go back to the meeting…” America pouted looking away from England.
“I already called Germany and told him what happened. He’s not expecting either of us. Prussia is also in for a punishment, so don’t you worry about him love.”
Why do they need PUNISHMENT? They’re all grown MEN, let alone COUNTRIES. If anything, the others would be LOOKING DOWN UPON PRUSSIA FOR BEING SO FUCKING IMMATURE.
America’s eyes widened, “You called Germany? Man that’s like you’re my dad calling my bullies parents! That’s so embarrassing!” he whined as England finished up his bandaging.
AGAIN, THIS SCENARIO WOULD WORK IF THEY WERE IN HIGHSCHOOL. THEY ARE GROWN UP. THIS JUST SEEMS STUPID AS FUCK. AMERICA NEEDS TO GROW A PAIR, AND PRUSSIA SEEMS TO HAVE PROBLEMS.
England smiled at his former colony, and leaned forward to give him a kiss on the forehead, “I had to do something. Kicking their arses just wasn’t enough…”
Oooooh! So you told on them! How daring(!).
“How about I lay you down for a kip and I’ll cook lunch for you? How does that sound?” England asked the blushing nation.
“Did you mean it?” America whispered, ignoring the Brits request.
“Mean what? That I called Germany? Of course lad, you didn’t think I’d-“
“No England… that you love me… Do you really mean it the way I’m thinking?” he asked gently.
THIS IS SO RIVETING(!).
England blushed and looked away from America, “Well… yes… I hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable poppet…”
“N-no, no it doesn’t at all. I feel the same…” America admitted as England’s eyes lit up, “B-but you still have to prove yourself to me. You’re not getting any of this good stuff until you’ve earned it, you got that!” he scolded the blushing nation.
America is now surprisingly relaxed on fucking someone he seemed to detest a few minutes ago.
“Of course, I wouldn’t have it any other way.” England said leaning in for a kiss. America stopped him causing the Brit to give him a questioning look, “What’s wrong, you’re not shy are you? It’d be so cute if you were.”
“You swear this isn’t a trick? I just can’t help but feeling you’re going to just laugh at me later with those jerks. You don’t get to kiss me until I’m sure.”
And yet, you’re offering him SEX. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but…
TWILIGHT WAS A BETTER LOVE-STORY THAN THIS.
“America, I swear this isn’t a trick! I wouldn’t ever hurt you like that… but if this is what you want, I’m willing to wait.”
“G-good. Now… give me a hug?” he asked opening his arms.
The Brit gladly accepted his offer and held the fragile boy in his arms, “I swear, I’ll protect you from now on America.” he said resting his head on top of America’s.
Little did they know, they were being watched by a few nations, looking for revenge…
OKAY, YOU TALKING ABOUT…
WHO NEEDS REVENGE? PRUSSIA GOT WHAT HE WANTED. HE EMBARRASSED AMERICA.
THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Thanks for reading! Chapter three coming soon!
Ohoho, YES. We are most certainly doing the next chapter.
As soon as you heard the door squeak shut, you ran upstairs, almost slipping a few times on the glossy wood stairs. Entering the office, you noticed that it was squeaky clean. Typical Arthur, clean-freak. At least he wasn’t as bad as Germany.
Now, granted it is canon that Germany clears up after Italy when he cooks and folds up his laundry (which is a pretty normal thing to do, to be fair), I wouldn’t necessarily go as far as to call him a ‘clean freak’, nor go as far as to call him ‘worse’ than England.
Otherwise, this starting point isn’t too bad. ‘Wood’ should be changed to ‘wooden’, but otherwise, it isn’t the worst start I’ve ever seen.
…It can only go downhill from here.
Photo with 11 notes
‘GERITA COSPLAY: Expect the Unexpected’, by http://sockseevil.deviantart.com/
Germany after a beer too many…
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