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Submitter: Another chapter of ‘The Nightmare of Sane Hetalia Fans’! This might have to be put under the ‘extreme OOC’ tag as well next chapter…. Let’s just say the author messed up the canon so horribly I would rather not speak about it…. That factor isn’t introduced until next chapter, though. Enjoy~ (Or not.)
I’m screaming on the inside already. We’ve mainly sussed out that this has to be a troll. It has features and mistakes a little too similar to My Immortal, but hey, it still belongs here!
A/N sorry I couldn’t get this up I had stupid homework. UGH! FML
A part of me wishes your teacher had set more of that homework.
Had that been the case, this monstrosity would not exist.
Both? Simultaneously? At the same time?
This is so juvenile.
IT Was Kim nd Jay, my foster parents! They where really really mean and nesty,
THEY LIVE IN NESTS?
THEY’RE BIRDS? NO WONDER YOU WANTED TO GET AWAY FROM THEM.
like the cheerbitches. OH NO! AND THE POLICE WERE WIT THEM TWO!
*Too, you insolent wanker.
Kim wuz cring fake ugly tears, like her boob job.
*Was crying. And I legitimately love this bit of description. No lie.
Her face wa splotchy looking. One of the policemens said to me “Summer, you’re parents had been very very worried about you and we have been looking all over the city four you” he sayeth.
…Was there any point for thou to use Shakespearean English? Really?
“NOOOOOO!” I shouted.
I transformed into my neko form.
FOR FUCK’S SAKES. WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS BULLSHIT NEKO FORM? IT’S NOT CUTE. IT LOOKS STUPID AND CONTRIBUTES NOTHING. MAGICAL ABILITIES, IF EXPLAINED, COULD.
THIS IS JUST SO DUMB, IT FUCKING HURTS.
The poleceman drooped
As his arms turned to jelly.
his gun and ran away tryin to pull up hes pants (cuz he was so fat from the doughnuts lol).
Of course. More fucking stereotypes.
“THERE NAWT MY PARENTS” I growled loudly like a neko.
Public literary message #120997
‘Neko’ refers to the Japanese word for cat.
Although it has become a popular trope for those godawful ‘neko girls’ with those shitty sparkle-cat ears and tails for no particular purpose but to apparently look dumb, using the word neko out of this particular context only means cat.
You are saying that you growled like a cat.
Not ‘growled like a bullshitty neko human thing’.
Cats typically do not ‘growl’. Hiss, yowl and meow, they do.
The other guys looked sacred but they pulled out they’re guns. Suddenly….
December started turning into a neko two!
*Too, you scatterbrained little shit.
Her neko ears where black-purple with silver tips and her neko tail was black-purple with a siler tip too. Her black and silver nails turned into claws and her teeth turned into fangs.
Is it just me or is this mental image more horrifying than ‘cute’?
She growled to. We started too run toward them but they ran away! Except…..
Kim hid behind Jay and he pulled out a huge rifle and started to shoot ballets all around us!
WHY ARE THEY SHOOTING AT TWO GIRLS? WHAT? ARE WE IN GOTHAM? ARE THE POLICE CORRUPT? WHAT IS GOING ON?
Then someone very loud and wearing glasses with a leather jacet grabbed the rifle and broke it into two pieces!
And it was at that time I knew three things for certain:
One, I was a sparkly neko girl thing.
Two, Alfred can now grab guns when they’re still shooting.
And three, Alfred IS NOW RUBEUS HAGRID AND CAN TWIST SHOTGUNS.
“nO ONE HURST THE HEROS DAUGHTERS! CUZ IM THE HERO”
I’M 12000% DONE.
he shouted. Kim an Jay ran away screamin like preps.
I now need to find out what prep screams are like.
I bet they’re as delicious as their tears.
He turned to us and said, “I hope you girls like hamburgers, ‘cause this is gonna take awhile.”
UH, YEAH, FOLLOW THE GUY THAT JUST TWISTED A GUN. THAT SEEMS SENSIBLE.
Neither of us ever had known our parents. December had run away form her foster parents wen she ws really really little and lived in the apartment building.
HOW DID SHE MANAGE TO SURVIVE?
Tat was befour we met. Kim and Jay hsd me since I was 3. I can hardly remember what it was like before theem… I try not to think about, but someties… Kim and Jay are such horrible people, but the government hates kids because kids can’t vote.
You know, over here in Britain, the goverment hates us because of how the media portrays young people. Otherwise we’re pretty cool with them.
I’m so happy I’m not a yank.
They don’t care if kid s live swith abusive people.
You know, over here in Britain, when my abusive stepdad was reported by the neighbors, the police and the council followed it up.
It’s great to be British.
Or, y’know, you might have this system in America, too. I really doubt it from your description, but something hints to me that the police most likely do care about minors being hurt.
But… Whatever. They ‘can’t vote’.
Niether of us know were are neko powers came form.
…Neither do I.
Did I miss an episode or not read a strip or something? Do the countries have some WEIRD-ASS NEKO POWERS I NEVER SAW OR WHAT?
The man with the classes and leather jacketr lead us too the table and we sat down and he gave us hamburgers. We ate them with the sushi.
WHAT? WHERE DID THE SUSHI COME FROM?
He told us that he was America. “BULLSHIT!” YELled December and me together.
*December and I.
Also, that is the most plausible reaction in this story so far. Well done, author.
He was a crazy person! “NO NO WAIT I CAN EXPLIANED!” “America” yelled.
This grammar and spelling is beyond atrocious.
*SEE, YOU NITBRAINED TWAT.
every country has a preson that is the country.” he said. “I don’t get in” I said
To be honest, that is the poorest explanation of Hetalia I have ever read.
No wonder she’s fucking confused.
confusedly. “Like you kno how Uncle Sam is supposed to be America? Thats me!” he said happily and made a heroic pose.
Haha, there’s no way they’re going to believe-
“Oh!” we said, clapping our hands and feeling happy cuz we got it now!
Aaaaand they’re total dipshits.
“And you guise are my sates!” he said.
*Guys, you snot-nosed dweeb.
“HUH?!” we shouted. “You’re my kids! You have been missing for a very long tiem! Ive ben lookin for you fer years!” he said.
*Time, I’ve been ‘lookin’, you fucking toerag.
"But if your Amereka,
I’m not going to bother anymore.
You have to be doing this on purpose.
how can we be you’re kids? Were 7!”
WAIT WHAT? SURELY YOU MEAN SEVENTEEN.
I smartly said, like one of those nerds on the debate team
From your fucking stupidity, I honestly doubt this is the case.
except Im not a nerd (ew there ugly)
Yes I watched this show don’t judge me.
I BEG TO DIFFER.
and Im not on the debate team (clubs and having a social life are for preps with no personality, nya!).
Mod Socks was in the school reading club, ex-honour member of the science club, art club, was a member of the local scout troop, has done numerous bits of teaching english and english clubs and does shotput and discus, tennis and swimming.
Somehow, I think I have a personality and a social life.
“cuz my states are like countries.” He said.
No. No they’re not.
State:Of, provided by, or concerned with the civil government of a country: “the future of state education”.
“A nation with its own government, occupying a particular territory.”
“WOW!” We said. Then we looked at each other. “WERE SISTERS!” we shouted. “Your new York (AN: cuz that’s were I live cuz its awesome!)
he said. He pointed at me. “And your California.”
Secondly. No Author’s notes in the middle of the fic. Beginning or end only. We’re not here for your dimwitted commentary and we don’t give a shit if you’re a yank or not.
Thirdly, you’re missing speechmarks on the end of America’s first set of speech.
Lastly, this is dumb, and how were the states formed? DID AMERICA GIVE BIRTH TO FIFTYTUPLETS EW WHAT
he said. He pointed at December too. “OMG!” we yelled.
‘Were sisters’, like werewolves?
YOU TURN INTO SISTERS AT FULL MOON AND SAVAGELY GO AROUND, INFECTING OTHERS INTO SISTERHOOD.
we yelled and hugged and felt happy. How could we have not noticed? Were like twins!
Fuck, there’s two of you?!
“Were gunna go to my house now.” said America. “lets’ go!” he shouted. He jumped gleefully. “But wait!” I cried. I looked at my apartment. It was so pretty and I have spent so much time in it and making it. It was so wonderful! I didn’t want to leave!
You probably shouldn’t.
STRANGER DANGER, HELLO?
“WAIT! What about my room?!” I said. “I dunt want to leave! I love this place!” “Oh. He said. “But don’t you want to meet all the other states?”
THERE IS MORE OF YOU? FUCK.
he said. “Yes!” Is adi.
Huh? What does that mean?
“But I don’t wanna leave!” I said kind of crying. “I would be very said if I left.” I sad sniffling.”Yeah!” aid December.
“Well…. Well think of something.” America said. “Hey! I know!” December said. “We could just bring tohe stuff with us!”
“Butt it wont be the same.” I said feeling sad. “It’ll be better!” Said Amereca. I feelt a little cheerier now.
…And that convinced you.
Wow. You’re ridiculously DUMBER THAN I THOUGHT YOU WERE.
Out side we could hear a helicotper. It was very loud. “WOW!” December and me yelled. Within seconds my head and my ears were hurting. I covered my ears with my hands.
“Here, put these on!” America shouted over the noise, handing us noise-cancelling headphones. We put them on gratefully. He climbed in, then leaned out and gave us the thumbs up to go in.
We could t talk, but the helicopter ride waz awesome! I stared out the window. “OMG!” I sreamed. WE WERE GOING OVER TEH OCAEN!
I have blood coming from my ears.
I’m having haemmorage over how horrible this spelling is.
Merica looked and me and smiled real big. “It is beautiful, ja?”
…HE’S GERMAN NOW? WHAT?
If I wasn’t his daughter I would call im really h4wt but I am so ic ant.
Getting memories of ‘My Immortal’.
HE’S A MAJOR FUCKING HOTTIE.”
“isn’t he kinda cute” said December.
“he’s are DAD, BAKA”
I know this may be an obvious question, but WHY IS AN AMERICAN STATE USING RANDOM JAPANESE DIALECT?
said giggling and punching her in the shoulder but it was okay cuz I was being kawaii.
You’re not cute.
YOU’RE NOT CUTE.
Im not a mean prep,
Again, stop the generalization.
You look close-mindedly bigoted and REALLY STUPID.
though I can hit harder then ny of those biches.
I display qualities of a so-called ‘prep’, and I did kickboxing for several years. We’re not all skimpy, defenseless little girls.
If they new how ard I can hit they would nt never have messed with me. “LOL’ she said. She punched me in the arm.
“OW, BITCH! THAT HURT! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?” I yelled. December was awesome, but sometimes she could rwally be a bitch! She flattened her nekomimi (a/n: htat meanz neko ears in Japnese. I just learned that today nya!)
and looked down. “Sorry.” She said kind of quiet. “WHAT?!” I yelled cuz I couldn’t here her. “SOARY!” she yelled looking kinda sad.
“WHY DO YOU LOOK SO SAD?” I yelled. “DID DOS PREPS TEXT YOU SOMETHING REALLY MEAN?” She just laffed and shook her head “OKAY” I yelled.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
HET!” I yelled suddenly. We where passing over a beautiful beach! “WHERE ARE WE?” I yelled to america.
“Were goin to teh UN so you can meet the othre countries” he said
They’re American states. America represents them in the UN conferences and elsewhere. Other nations wouldn’t care much about them, and stay out of their way unless they are linked to the state for some reason.
However, they’d still consult Alfred BEFORE going straight to the states.
They don’t CARE about you. THEY HAVE NO REASON TO.
WHETHER THERE IS A HIERARCHY BETWEEN STATES AND NATIONS, NATIONS WHO ARE BUSY DOING NATION THINGS DO NOT CARE ABOUT MINISCULE THINGS SUCH AS YOURSELVES.
‘OH MY GOD!” I yelled. “THAT IS SO COOL!” “Omg, righte?” said December. “I love England! I cant wait to meet him! I bet he’s really hot!”
Plot twist: It’s Nyo!England.
She said. “Oh me to!” I said. “I bet he’s super mega foxy awesome hot!” I giggled.
No, seriously. YOU DON’T KNOW IT’S A GUY.
Teh helicopter landed on a huge lawn. America lead us into a huge white building with a ton of flags in front.
WAIT HE JUST IGNORED YOU TALKING ABOUT HIS EX-CARE TAKER.
WELL, OKAY THEN.
He flashed his badge at a `security guard and we walked down alot of hallways with paintings and went ino a elevator. When it opened up, we were at the tippy top of the building. We walked down some more hallways and paintings. Then we went into a big meeting room. Alot of people were inside. A lot of them were arguing and two blond guys were choking each other.
“HEY THE HERO IS BACK” AMErica shouted. Everyone stopped talking and looked at us. December blushed, and I would have too, but I didn’t, because I hate letting people see my real feelings. I’m good at hiding them. “Kesesesesese” Said a cute guy with silver hair and red eyes that glinted like rubies. “You’re a very pretty girl”
Prussia, go back to Germany’s basement. You have nothing to do here.
He said too me. I blushed. No one had ever said anything like that to me! I liked him instantly. “Well of course she is, shes my daughter.” America said.
SERIOUSLY, HOW DOES THAT WORK?
“Ve~ I cant believe you’ve found them! It’s been so long and we have been very worried!” Another guy with a curl and an Italian accent said.
WHY DOES ITALY CARE ABOUT THEM?
“You guys know who we are?”
“Yeah! Ve~” He said. “This is so awesome!” I whispered to December. “Bloody hell, America, I can’t believe you have more kids.” A blond guy with a British accent said.
“Shut up, Arthur. Everyone, this is California and New York!”
A/N: Review, please! ;)
Submitter: This is the reason I’m ashamed to be a Hetalia fan.
Join the bloody club.
I also got more info about Summer and the author. The author’s username on fanfiction.net is *name witheld.* and her first name is Aubrey. Aubrey has black hair with blue streaks which she dyed in. I’m not suprised this is where Summer’s ridiculous hair came from.
Ugh. Nothing sucks more than bloody horribly done self-inserts.
Aubrey says she has ‘bluish grayish eyes’, so she is at least trying to hide the fact she is using a self-insert.
Or she’s inputting what she WISHES was her eye colour.
She’s not doing a very good job, but trying. As for December, I have a feeling she is a self-insert as well. I have no clue who she might be, however.
A friend, possibly? It wouldn’t surprise me at all.
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Yes. We are doing this. People just LOVED the last chapter ;D
It is for three, clear, COMPLETELY NOT SARCASTIC REASONS:
- I am a fatshaming ‘skinny person’.
- I am a vendetta.
- I personally despise the author.Now that we have that out of the way, TO THE FIC:
Authors Notes: Wow I wasn’t expecting so many reviews and favorites, thank you, you guys. I didn’t mean to make some of you cry :( but I guess that’s what art is supposed to do. Anyway, I own nothing, enjoy chapter two :)
Not trying to question the emotions of other people, here. But what in the world about the last chapter made ANYONE cry?! Excuse me if I’m wrong here, or if it’s a matter of personal opinion, but THERE IS NOTHING TO CRY OVER.
America ran out of the Starbucks as fast as he could, shoving past the Frenchmen
There’s more than one French person? MORE THAN ONE FRANCIS? Or is that a grammatical error?
and the German who had just publicly humiliated him. Knowing he couldn’t run all the way home, covered in strawberry ice cream no less, he hailed a taxi for the second time that day. Luckily, he got the same cab driver.
What a coincidence (!).
“Wow, hey Stretch! You really must be living the dream, you’re leaking it all over my cab!” the driver laughed, but quickly shut up when he saw that America was crying.
Okay, for a cab driver, this guy is a REALLY GOOD NATURED ONE. I’d be more pissed than anything if some douchebag jumped in and made it all really messy with MILKSHAKE.
That stuff ferments in days! After a week, my cab would smell like baby vomit.
So, thank you, unnamed cabbie (spoiler alert: His name is Jim). The world needs more drivers like you!
“You remember where my house is right…?” he asked through his tears looking at the drivers name, “…um Jim…?”
“Yeah I remember… You wanna talk about why you’re covered in… pink stuff? I’ll listen…”
OKAY, JIM, YOU’RE GETTING TOO FRIENDLY.
STRANGER DANGER, ALFRED. STRANGER DANGER.
“No I don’t want to bother you…”
There should be a comma after the ‘no’.
“Hey, I drive weirdo’s around all day, it’d be nice to listen to a normal person’s problems for once.”
You’re saying that the GUY WITH THE PINK MILK ON HIS HEAD IS ‘NORMAL’. JIM, I AM WORRIED. WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE DO YOU DRIVE?
America looked at the driver from the back seat. He had a five o clock shadow and a beer gut he didn’t seem to be ashamed of. His greasy hair glistened in the New York sun, as he adjusted his mirror to get a better look at America.
Is it bad that I want to know more about JIM THAN I DO ABOUT THE REST OF THESE WANKERS?
Why is Jim not the main character?
“Well, I was at a U.N. Meeting, and the other nations that I work with, make fun of my weight…”
Jim looked at America though his mirror, raising a curious eyebrow, “You’re not fat kid, not at all, you seem average to me. I saw you walking outside, and I’m sure every man in New York wants to be you. Dude even covered in ice cream, they’d still want to be you. Anyway, U.N. Meeting? You look too young to be a politician.”
“Well… I’m smart for my age so they gave me the job anyways,” he lied to covered up the fact that he was actually a country.
‘LIED’? YOU DON’T SAY.
Jim seemed to buy it, “Oh, I see. Well those Europeans are all really skinny anyways, you can’t listen to them, they think someone is fat if they weigh over 130! 130 is thin to me, all most too thin.”
You know what’s FUCKING HILARIOUS? People are defending this fanfic as an anti-bullying one.
THAT IS JUST HILARIOUS.
I think they must’ve NOT READ THIS FIC, BECAUSE WOW! SKINNY SHAMING IS TOTALLY NOT BULLYING AND IS MORALLY RIGHT. YUP. TOTALLY (!).
You might think that skinny-shaming is okay, because fat people get picked on, right?
No. No, skinny-shaming is equally as unacceptable. Guess what? FAT EUROPEANS EXIST. Obesity is a BIG PROBLEM IN EUROPE.Also, the 130 thing. NO.
STOP. WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE FOR THIS? DO YOU HAVE A QUOTE FROM THE MAJORITY OF THE EUROPEAN COMMUNITY SAYING THAT WE FIND THE WEIGHT OF 130 (pounds or kilograms? I have no fucking clue, but I’ll assume pounds since he is American) TOO HEAVY. PLEASE.
AS A PERSON LIVING IN THE EU, I’M REALLY *DYING* TO KNOW.
That assumption is horrible, and VERY CLOSE MINDED.
Before you tell me that this is Jim’s character, and one of his flaws, let me stop you. That would be implying that the author of this fic had SKILL TO WRITE A THREE DIMENSIONAL CHARACTER.
AND WHILE YOU MAY BE GETTING HOPEFUL THAT A THREE DIMENSIONAL CHARACTER MAY INDEED BE THE CASE, LET ME GIVE YOU THE EVIDENCE THAT THIS IS WHAT THE AUTHOR THINKS, AS STATED BY ALFRED:
“Yeah I know…
It is quite clear that from the juvenile writing that this is not a plotpoint, nor anything that will be further looked at IN THE FIC. Alfred is technically skinny-shaming. As is the cab driver.
This disgusts me. This author’s close-mindedness DISGUSTS ME. THE FACT THAT PEOPLE HAVE THE GALL TO SAY THAT THIS FANFIC IS REMOTELY ‘ANTI-BULLYING’ DISGUSTS ME. And while I was hoping not to bring my personal opinion of the Author into this, this part will not be silenced. I’m sorry. This is wrong.
Anyway, we were taking a lunch break, and I went to Starbucks for coffee, and was followed by the British representative, because he said he wanted to make it up to me because he made fun of me that morning. I thought he was serious, because we used to be close and everything… But it turns out he was just trying to trap me and the French representative and a German came and dumped this strawberry shake all over my head… So here I am now…”
I love how he refers to what used to be THE KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA as ‘A German’. If he isn’t a representative, THEN WHAT IS HE EVEN DOING THERE? Please, these kinds of things need to be EXPLAINED.
“I’m sorry kid…
The lack of comma fails you here. You’re saying ‘you’re sorry kid’. Are you A sorry kid? No? But that is indeed what you are implying.
Learn how to use commas. It makes you look a LOT more professional. Please and thank you.
It sounds like high school, they’re pretty immature if you ask me. They’re also guests in our country.”
“They think they have the right because their older…”
There is a difference between ‘THEIR’ AND ‘THEY’RE’.
Jim sneered in his mirror out of disgust for the nations who had bullied America, “Well they don’t! If anything they should be a little softer because you’re just a kid.
Never minding the fact that he’s actually HUNDREDS OF YEARS OLD, he is nineteen. He is not ‘just a kid’. He is a man. A grown up man.
They should set an example!” he explained passionately as they arrived in front of America’s house.
“Thanks for the talk man, I feel a little better…” he said getting out of the taxi after paying Jim.
Yup, ‘Murica. Take the asspats and bash the ‘EVIL SKINNY EUROPEANS’. That’s totally the correct thing to do!
“No problem kid, I’ll see you around. Remember stiff upper lip!” he said pulling away from the waving American.
Goodbye, Jim. I’ll always remember you!
Walking into his house, America wiped newly formed tears from his face. The talk with the nice taxi driver had made him feel a little better, but now he was alone. He hated being alone.
He went to take a shower, not bothering to call Germany to tell him he wouldn’t be returning to the meeting. He had a feeling the German would here about this fiasco from his brother.
I BELIEVE THE WORD YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IS *’HEAR’.
Stripping himself naked, he stared at himself in his bathroom mirror. Taking the round pudge in his hands, he squeezed becoming disgusted with himself. Surely the driver had been just trying to make him feel better, he told himself hopping in the shower, too disgusted to look at himself anymore.
As the water collided with his flesh, something broke inside of America. He began to sob, his tears mixing in with the hot water running down his body. He suddenly felt like a child again, playing with the children in his town. They would call him fat too, and refuse to let him play.
Okay, from this whole trainwreck, that is probably the only couple of paragraphs I legitimately like. Why? Because it is without horrible stereotypes, and close-mindedness. It actually SHOWS, and doesn’t JUST TELL.
It show’s Al’s conflict with himself.
BUT DON’T GET USED TO IT, FOLKS. IT REALLY DOESN’T LAST.
He would run home to England and he would make everything okay again… but this time he couldn’t run to England, because he had turned into one of the bullies.
(Somebody needs to do a gif of a shark with iggybrows).
As America showered, England arrived at his house and welcomed himself inside, using the key America had given him in case of emergencies.
ENGLAND. HE CLEARLY WAS OFFENDED BY YOU, AND THIS IS TOO SOON FOR YOU TO INTRUDE.
LEAVE THE POOR BASTARD ALONE.
As he walked through the living room, he heard America’s sobs over the loud shower and flinched.
Bravely, England walked into the bathroom
WAIT WHAT. ENGLAND, STOP.
and yanked open the shower curtain
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
to reveal the nude American in all of his glory.
He’s beautiful… England thought looking up him up and down, making America uncomfortable and start weeping louder.
THIS IS TOO WRONG.
“England, if you and your stupid friends don’t get out of my house, I’m calling the police, you’re taking this too far. Yeah, I get it I’m fat, now you can go back to your boring lives, cause I never want to see you again!”
THANK YOU. THANK YOU, ALFRED. PLEASE, ENGLAND. STOP BEING A CREEP AND GO THE FUCK AWAY.
“America, I’m the only one here! America please listen to me, I had nothing to do with that, I promise!”
AT LEAST WAIT FOR HIM TO GET OUT OF THE SHOWER.
It’s common knowledge that people insecure about their bodies do NOT WANT TO BE LOOKED AT WHILE IN THE NUDE.
“You’re such a liar England! A pathetic liar who has nothing better to do than to make my life miserable!” America screamed shoving past England, walking out of the bathroom stark naked.
England followed, staring at his behind almost drooling,
“America, I swear that I’m not lying poppet!” Oh god, I just want to bite it, he thought wantonly.
“Shut up! You’re just a mean old man England!” he yelled walking into his bedroom, trying to slam the door. England put his foot between the door and the frame, to keep it open.
“I beat them up for you…” he whispered gently.
America’s face visibly soften,
The grammar of that is really off. I believe you were meaning to say ‘softened’, as it doesn’t make much sense in the present tense.
but he persisted, “Does that make you a saint or something? Am I suppose to throw myself at your feet yelling ‘My hero!’ I think not England! You really hurt me today. You fucking betrayed me!”
BUT HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING YOU PARANOID DIPSHIT.
Except look at your flubber hungrily. I’m still warning you to be careful about that, Alfred.
Throwing open his bedroom door, America shoved past England to get his bathrobe. Wrapping himself in his red, white, and blue robe, he turned towards England, who was following him through the house.
“I never betrayed you America!”
“Yes you did, stop lying!” America screamed become frantic, tears streaming down his face.
“No I didn’t, I swear! I had nothing to do with that!”
You’re being SO convincing (!).
“Shut up! How can you go from being a complete bastard to me this morning, then suddenly inviting to lunch and being nice? Either you’re two faced or you planed that whole thing with Prussia and France!”
Okay, this is a yet another instance in which because Alfred’s stubbornness to believe that Arthur is the bad guy is not explained, he looks overly DUMB, and seems out of character.
Explain why he is so hateful! Give reasons behind it! Otherwise it hardly makes sense, and makes you, AS THE WRITER, look bad.
Yes, you can do any AU or idea with fanfiction. ANYTHING AT ALL. You could turn Alfred into a pink elephant if you wanted to, however, you must explain the reason WHY that is the case and how it came to be. This is the author’s main downfall.
America rushed into the kitchen and pulled a knife from the rack. Holding it up to his throat he turned towards his former mentor, “I’m not doing this anymore! I don’t care if my county collapses, I’m finished!” he yelled getting ready to do something drastic.
HEY, DUDE. This is offensive to people who have committed suicide and have attempted to. The fact that you, YET AGAIN WITHOUT ANY FUCKING EXPLANATION, decided to force this onto the readers, is not okay.
“Whoa, just hold on America! Take it easy, give me the knife…” he said inching closer to the desperate American, “It’s not worth it, I promise…”
“I just want the pain to stop… I’m tired of being stupid, and I’m tired of being fat! You know, you’re the one who was always supposed to protect me, and you blew it!” he screamed as England inched closer, trying to remain calm.
Dear Lord, I feel sick at having to read through this BULLSHIT.
This is literally as laughable as the attempted suicide in that ABC movie, Cyberbully. Check it out and laugh.
“I know poppet… I know… but I want to make it up to you. You have to give me another chance, but you have to start by giving me the knife…” he whispered, wrapping his fingers around the handle.
“No! No, this is a trick, I just know it! You don’t care about me, you never have!” America said jerking away, cutting his hand on accident.
I hate having to repeat myself, BUT THE LACK OF EXPLANATION IS MAKING THIS OOC AND HORRIBLE AND I-
I AM SO DONE.
“No just stay away!”
“No, I love you! I’m not leaving you, never again!” England shouted, his face heating up from the words he just said.
“Liar! You don’t love me! You just don’t want this on your conscious!”
*Conscience, dipshit. Either way, I’m pretty sure it’d remain on his conscious.
“I’m not lying, I really love you!” he shouted taking the knife from America’s hands and throwing it into the sink, “America, come with me love, I’ll clean up your hand and I’ll put you to bed, all right?”
“No…” he cried only half way refusing. He really was tired, but he wasn’t going to let England know that.
And now, he seems pretty fucking pathetic.
“America, please…,” he said holding out his hand, “I love you…”
America blushed and looked at his feet. Did England really mean it? He thought as left over tears streamed down his face. He looks serious…
HE’S SAID IT SERIOUSLY ABOUT THREE TIMES NOW.
YOUR COMPLETELY UNEXPLAINED STUPIDITY IS MAKING ME WANT TO BARF.
Taking England’s hand, America left himself be sat on the counter, as the Brit began working on his wounded hand. He was gentle, feeling as if the American would break if he were to touch him the wrong way.
“That was very drastic love, you have to promise me, you’ll never do that again.” he said choosing his words wisely. What he really wanted to say was, ‘What the bloody hell were you thinking? You could have hurt yourself you wanker!’ but he decided to save that lecture for when America was in his right mind again.
As a person who has attempted suicide, this is making me want to commit it. Nice of you to put it into the WARNINGS SECTION as a TRIGGER WARNING, by the way.
“I don’t wanna go back to the meeting…” America pouted looking away from England.
“I already called Germany and told him what happened. He’s not expecting either of us. Prussia is also in for a punishment, so don’t you worry about him love.”
Why do they need PUNISHMENT? They’re all grown MEN, let alone COUNTRIES. If anything, the others would be LOOKING DOWN UPON PRUSSIA FOR BEING SO FUCKING IMMATURE.
America’s eyes widened, “You called Germany? Man that’s like you’re my dad calling my bullies parents! That’s so embarrassing!” he whined as England finished up his bandaging.
AGAIN, THIS SCENARIO WOULD WORK IF THEY WERE IN HIGHSCHOOL. THEY ARE GROWN UP. THIS JUST SEEMS STUPID AS FUCK. AMERICA NEEDS TO GROW A PAIR, AND PRUSSIA SEEMS TO HAVE PROBLEMS.
England smiled at his former colony, and leaned forward to give him a kiss on the forehead, “I had to do something. Kicking their arses just wasn’t enough…”
Oooooh! So you told on them! How daring(!).
“How about I lay you down for a kip and I’ll cook lunch for you? How does that sound?” England asked the blushing nation.
“Did you mean it?” America whispered, ignoring the Brits request.
“Mean what? That I called Germany? Of course lad, you didn’t think I’d-“
“No England… that you love me… Do you really mean it the way I’m thinking?” he asked gently.
THIS IS SO RIVETING(!).
England blushed and looked away from America, “Well… yes… I hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable poppet…”
“N-no, no it doesn’t at all. I feel the same…” America admitted as England’s eyes lit up, “B-but you still have to prove yourself to me. You’re not getting any of this good stuff until you’ve earned it, you got that!” he scolded the blushing nation.
America is now surprisingly relaxed on fucking someone he seemed to detest a few minutes ago.
“Of course, I wouldn’t have it any other way.” England said leaning in for a kiss. America stopped him causing the Brit to give him a questioning look, “What’s wrong, you’re not shy are you? It’d be so cute if you were.”
“You swear this isn’t a trick? I just can’t help but feeling you’re going to just laugh at me later with those jerks. You don’t get to kiss me until I’m sure.”
And yet, you’re offering him SEX. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but…
TWILIGHT WAS A BETTER LOVE-STORY THAN THIS.
“America, I swear this isn’t a trick! I wouldn’t ever hurt you like that… but if this is what you want, I’m willing to wait.”
“G-good. Now… give me a hug?” he asked opening his arms.
The Brit gladly accepted his offer and held the fragile boy in his arms, “I swear, I’ll protect you from now on America.” he said resting his head on top of America’s.
Little did they know, they were being watched by a few nations, looking for revenge…
OKAY, YOU TALKING ABOUT…
WHO NEEDS REVENGE? PRUSSIA GOT WHAT HE WANTED. HE EMBARRASSED AMERICA.
THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Thanks for reading! Chapter three coming soon!
Ohoho, YES. We are most certainly doing the next chapter.
As soon as you heard the door squeak shut, you ran upstairs, almost slipping a few times on the glossy wood stairs. Entering the office, you noticed that it was squeaky clean. Typical Arthur, clean-freak. At least he wasn’t as bad as Germany.
Now, granted it is canon that Germany clears up after Italy when he cooks and folds up his laundry (which is a pretty normal thing to do, to be fair), I wouldn’t necessarily go as far as to call him a ‘clean freak’, nor go as far as to call him ‘worse’ than England.
Otherwise, this starting point isn’t too bad. ‘Wood’ should be changed to ‘wooden’, but otherwise, it isn’t the worst start I’ve ever seen.
…It can only go downhill from here.
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Literally the best fanfic you will read all day. Go on, take a chance.
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Well, hello, there. Sorry about the wait, we’ve been trying to find you guys fanfics that are quite worth reviewing on this blog. I believe we’ve found the one WTF enough.
Please do remember that this blog is not only for ‘bad’ fanfics. We’re called ‘WTF Hetalia fanfiction’. However, bad writing and what-the-fuckery seem to go hand in hand.
This fanfic… Well, let’s just get started.
Authors Notes: I own nothing. I’ve wanted to write this fic for a long time now, because I feel like there aren’t enough of these.
Trust me. There are.
America had been getting chubby lately, but it didn’t mean that everyone had to point it out like they did. America owned a mirror, and he could see it was getting out of hand. For everyone to constantly tease him about it was just cruel.
Ugh, and from the first paragraph, we’re already questioning what the hell is going on. Firstly, is there any reason WHY America has been gaining so much weight recently? I mean, it’s canon that he eats A LOT. But he’s pretty slim any way. There’s a few theories on why this is the case (Having a super high mentabolism, ect.), but him having a large apetite is a part of his character. Is his mentabolism slowing down? Are you representing something going on in the country by making him suddenly become chubby?
EXPLAIN, AUTHOR! EXPLAIN!
Well not everyone teased him about it, it was mostly just the allied nations. Japan was way too polite to say anything about it, which America was grateful for, and Germany and Italy didn’t really care to say anything. America guessed they figured it was none of their business, which it wasn’t. The people who mentioned it the most, were the people who he loved the most.
You’re implying that there’s a multiple amount of people he ‘loves’. The only one I can really guess here is England (Not because this is a USUK fic, but because of their history), but then again, at the moment, he wouldn’t even admit to caring about England’s opinion. I can’t really see him giving a shit about anyone else. So… Why would you make that a plural? WHY WOULD YOU MENTION IT AT ALL?
At world meetings, when it was America’s turn to talk someone always brought up his weight issue. Usually it was France or England, and sometimes even China. They brought it up in the disguise of concern for the young nations health, but it always quickly escalated to insults.
And America gives a shit about what everyone else is saying because…?
America was in his own personal hell, when he woke up the morning of a world meeting. It was his turn to host, which gave the other countries every opportunity to take a jab at his chubbiness.
Hey, America.. I think I have a suggestion for you.
IF YOU’RE SO GODDAMN BOTHERED BY IT, LOSE THE FUCKING WEIGHT. OR, I DON’T KNOW, JUST DON’T LISTEN TO THEM? If it’s really that big of a problem, he would just go and see a bloody professional! It’s not that big of a deal!
Slowly, getting out of bed, he reached for his glasses and reluctantly slid this onto his chubby face. He desperately wanted to skip it, but that would be impossible because they were in his country.
Okay, I understand the writer for trying to add complexity to America’s weight problem by making him insecure. But trust me, it’s hardly developed. There’s NO backstory to it, NO DEVELOPMENT, no nothing! For some reason, in the fanfic, Alfred is suddenly as insecure as a bloody teenage girl! I’m sorry, but out of all the countries, the one that I’d least expect to be so insecure is AMERICA. Maybe, with a bit of development on HOW he got to this stage, I’d find it understandable. I could possibly even relate to his conflict.
Because of the lack of development, we are presented with an Alfred WHO IS SIMPLY OOC. That, along with the FUCKING CREEPY CHUBBY-CHASER ARTHUR (which we will get to, SOON), is the BIGGEST problem with this fic.
Putting on his clothes were a nightmare. His khaki’s were tight, and his white button up shirt would barely do their job and button.
If they’re so tight, why don’t you just get some new clothes, you bloody idiot?!
Skipping breakfast, he headed out the door and hailed a taxi cab. It was time to go to the circus, and put on a show as the only freak.
Skipping breakfast is not a good way to lose weight, dipshit.
Neither is getting no excercise.
No, seriously, I’ve read the whole fanfic up to date, and in NONE OF THE CHAPTERS SO FAR does Alfred get any excercise! Nor does he TRY to actually lose weight!
…I think I can see why he’s so fat.
In the taxi their words echoed through his head.
You’re so fat America!
Someone is eating too many burgers!
…That one is pretty true, though.
Isn’t that American sociolect?
…Which of the countries is yelling that at him?!
You’re such a pig!
Shaking his head to get rid of the hurtful thoughts, he looked at the taxi driver in the rear view mirror, “How are you doing?” the driver asked raising his eyebrows
“Living the dream,” America replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
The cab driver laughed as he braked in front of the conference building, “Have a good day!”
“Thanks, you too!” he yelled running into the building.
Once he arrived in the conference room, he noticed that he and England were the first to arrive. England had gotten there before him and was doodling on the black board like he always did. America was silent as he sat down in his chair. Pulling his brief case into his lap, he opened it and took out a burger he had stashed inside just in case he got hungry. Deciding to eat the burger before the rest of the nations arrived, he took a large bite.
Who the fuck eats a hamburger for-
Oh, right. America.
Savoring the taste as he chewed, he didn’t notice England staring at him with a strange look on his face, “Aren’t you fat enough America?” he said, unsure of his words.
…I’ll agree with England here. If you find yourself so fat, and have a problem with it…
Why don’t you try and substitute the fucking burgers?
The young nation looked from England to his burger, and tossed the meal into the trash, spitting out the bite he had just took into a napkin. Hunger pains brought tears to his eyes, but he decided in favor of forcing them down to prove a point to the Brit.
And what point is THAT? No, seriously, what is he trying to prove? O_o
For a slit second, a flash of guilt appeared on England’s face, “Hey, America I didn’t me-“
Then why did you say it, dipshit?
His words were interrupted by several other nations walking into the room. Popping some gum into his mouth to hide the smell of the burger and hold him over until lunch time, America looked at England, “Were you going to say something?”
The other nations were staring at the two, smirks plastered on a couple of their faces. England looked at them and swallowed his apology in favor of following the crowd, “No, you burger eating git!” he said making America’s empty stomach clench in sadness.
OOOH, MY STOMACH! IT CLENCHES IN SADNESS!
Sitting down in his seat next to America, England’s own stomach clenched, but not in sadness, in guilt. As the meeting progressed, America’s stomach began to growl louder and louder. And with each growl, the more guilt England felt.
…England can hear it?
…Oh God, best mental image. So, there’s the world confrence, and everyone’s sitting down…
And suddenly America’s stomach starts being all GROWLY AS FUCK AND RUMBLING AND ALL THE COUNTRIES ARE LOOKING AT HIM LIKE “LOLWTF?”
I found it funny.
Why did he listen to me? Why does he care what I say? Has he been eating at all? Maybe I just stopped him from eating the only meal he’ll eat today! England thought, looking at his lap in shame. Maybe I should invite him for lunch…
“Hey America, do you want to go to lunch with me later?” he asked hoping the depressed American would say yes.
America looked at the Brit with his eyebrows knit together, “No thanks, I’m not hungry.”
He’s lying, I can hear his stomach growling! England thought scooting closer to America.
In reality, England actually liked watching America eat.
He was a closet nurturer, and he always worried about America’s diet. He was like those grandmothers who wanted to do nothing more than stuff their grandchildren until they were nice, plump, and healthy looking. Not to mention he thought watching America eat was completely sexy.
I just gagged a bit.
Of course, he couldn’t let the other nations know that. He’d be made into a pariah just like America.
“Oh come now, we can’t share a nice meal together?” England whispered, feeling the guilt eat away at his insides.
Don’t let him watch you eat, America! He’ll probably get aroused!
“No thanks dude, really… I’ve completely lost me appetite” he whispered, lying to his former care giver. Obviously, he was very hungry, but he couldn’t stand the looks of disgust people gave him when he ate, especially England’s.
Putting a hand on America’s knee, England looked to the front of the room where Germany was currently giving a lecture.
“Why are you touching me up, England?” Said America.
Suddenly, Germany said that it was America’s turn to speak. Looking at the other nations smirking faces, he knew the humiliation his former colony was about to face.
What humiliation? He’s just gotta talk.
“Recess!” he shouted, wanting save the American from humiliation.
More American sociolect. England wouldn’t say ‘recess’. Probably break, or time-out, or something like that.
Every nation looked at England like he had just slapped them in the face, for taking away their fun.
WHAT BLOODY FUN?!
“We’ve been sitting for a long time, and I desperately need to stretch my legs.” he explained to the German in charge.
Germany looked from America to England, understanding what the Englishmen was getting at, “Ja, we’ll go to lunch now. Everyone be back here in an hour and thirty minutes.”
…That’s a BLOODY LONG LUNCH BREAK. SWEET FUCKING JESUS.
Everyone stood up from their respective chairs and left the room, eager to eat lunch. All except America and England of course.
“Come on, love. I know you’re hungry, I could hear your tummy rumbling all through the meeting.”
America shook his head, “No, my stomach is just upset.” he lied again.
“America, please come with me, I’m sorry about what I said before.”
England, I know you want to watch America stuff his face for your pleasure, but he’s saying NO. You’re getting creepy ;A;
“Oh please, if you were really sorry you would have apologized in front of everyone, instead of making this feeble attempt to help yourself sleep better at night. I don’t want you feeling sorry for me England, and I damn sure don’t want to be your charity case!” America scolded, making a few left over nations gawk at them.
“No, poppet, it’s not like that at all! I just want to spend time with you!” England explained, truly wanting to make it up to the insecure nation.
…DID ENGLAND JUST SAY ‘POPPET’?
OH GOD, IT MUST BE 2P IN DISGUISE! D8
“This is probably some trick to make me look like an idiot in public, so no thank you England! I refuse to be the butt of your joke!”
As the American began walking away, England followed him. The young nation reminded him when he was a little boy and got mad at England and stomped off somewhere in a huff. At that point he would offer the boy a sweet to make up for it, but he had a feeling that right now it wasn’t going to work.
“America… if you come back, I’ll get you an ice cream cone…” he tempted the young man who was now walking down a sidewalk in New York.
“Shut up England!” he yelled thinking the Brit was taking another jab at his weight.
“No, America I didn’t mean it that way!”
Taking refuge inside a nearby Starbucks, America sat down at a table ready to start bawling. Deciding it wouldn’t hurt to get a latte, he stood up and fought back his tears as he glided up to the counter.
“Can I get a grande vanilla latte please?” he said taking out his credit card.
Sweet jesus, that’s a lot of calories.
As America started paying, England walked into the Starbucks, and got behind him, sneaking his hand into the American’s
HE’S TOUCHING YOU UP AGAIN. RUN, ALFRED, RUN!
“England! I thought I got rid of you!”
“Are we eating here? There’s not much to choose from, but I guess if you want to, we can.” he said ignoring the others protest.
“England, I told you I didn’t want your pity, go eat with France or something.”
Scrunching up his nose in disgust, “I don’t like France, you know that.”
“I’m not going to eat in front of you, and have you make fun of me again!”
Good choice. He might try to jack off while watching you.
The cashier was looking between them, with tears in her eyes. She was a lot more chubby than America, and knew his pain,
Erm, what pain? Am I missing something here?
America just told England to bugger off because he didn’t like people watching him eat. He didn’t say WHY, so what is this random fat cashier relating this to?! WHAT IS GOING ON?!
“Arthur, you’re making the cashier upset! Go sit down, I’ll order for you!” he shouted giving in just to make England go sit down.
Well, it’s not Arthur’s fault that the cashier is so damn unprofessional.
“I’m sorry we upset you.” England apologized to the girl, hating to see women cry whether they were big or small.
“It’s okay… Can I take your order?” she said wiping her tears away.
I hope you get fired.
“Tea, two sandwiches, and a cupcake, please?” he ordered, thickening his accent in order to charm her.
Isn’t his accent already fairly thick? What, is he going to start going at full cockney?
Because that isn’t charming AT ALL.
She blushed and wrote down his order.
“Is that all?”
“Yes, thank you ducky.”
WHEN THE FUCK DID ENGLAND EVER SAY ‘DUCKY’ IN THE SERIES. IT ISN’T ANYWHERE NEAR ENGLISH SOCIOLECT OR SLANG. MAYBE ‘LOVE’ OR ‘SWEETIE’ OR SOMETHING. BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS ‘DUCKY’?! WHERE DID IT COME FROM?
Walking over to the counter where they would claim their order, America started looking around himself, paranoid that there would be a trap or prank waiting for him, “You must be hungry England, since you ordered two sandwiches and a cupcake.”
“I’m not eating them love, you are.”
I understand that Alfred is nearly a man (He’s nineteen. Still growing? I have no bloody clue.), but seriously? One sandwich I can barely finish! Ugh, thinking of having to stuff my face with TWO makes me feel bloody ill.
“I told you that I wasn’t hungry!”
“America, be a good boy and eat your lunch, it’s unhealthy to skip meals!”
“I said I didn’t want anything. We’re in a coffee shop England, because all I wanted was coffee. If I wanted a sandwich I would have gone to Subway!”
Before England could reply their order was brought to them. America only grabbed his coffee, while England grabbed his tea and other treats he would continue to beg America to eat.
Once they were seated, England continued to try to persuade America to eat, “America… please eat… this behavior is starting to scare me, poppet. I’m sorry about earlier, I just… I don’t know why I said it! Yes I do, it’s because I’m a big wanker… Please eat…”
“They all laugh at me…” America whispered, on the verge of tears once more.
“They’re not here now America…” he said sliding the food towards the starving American, feeling a pang of guilt in his chest.
America reluctantly took a sandwich into his hands, and unwrapped the plastic that was protecting it from germs and other parasites. Slowly, he took a small bite, causing England to blush and squirm in his seat.
I suddenly feel ALL DIRTY INSIDE.
God, I’m a perverted bugger, he thought watching America take a few more bites.
UGHHH I WANNA VOMIT.
Secretly, the Brit also loved the extra pounds America had recently put on. His chubby cheeks and slightly plump belly made England completely hot for the young man.
And don’t even get him started on his arse. That’s why he was always over compensating, by making fun of the plump nation.
I just vomited in my mouth.
“Eat more, America… You’re still so young and you need nourishment.”
“Dude, my bodies nineteen, I think I’m done with puberty.”
“Actually, young men still grow in their early twenties-” England was interrupted the site of three other nations walking into the Starbucks. It was France, Prussia, and Spain. France and Prussia were walking extremely fast to get to the now blushing American. Spain however was hot on their tails, trying to get them to stop whatever they were planning.
“Well hello Amerique. I see your eating again as always. Don’t you think you’ve had enough food for the day~” France teased. America bit his lip and looked at his lap.
“Shut it Frog, don’t you have something better to do?” England scolded, standing up from his chair.
“We just thought America could use a little strawberry shake.” Prussia said approaching the humiliated American.
America was fighting back tears as the ex nation poured the milkshake all over his head.
Had that been a slushie, I would have thought that Prussia had been watching too much glee. BUT WHY? WHAT IS GOING ON? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? BECAUSE HE’S FAT? Well, God, that’s a bit of an asshole move.
The entire cafe was looking at the nations in shock. Some were gasping and felt sorry for the pink covered nation, while others were laughing and pointing with no remorse at their own countries pain.
America just sat their for a moment, staring off into space. He couldn’t hear England curses at Prussia and France. He couldn’t hear Spain’s apologies and questions of ‘Are you all right, amigo?’ All he heard was the laughter, when suddenly he stood up, finally letting the tears fall freely, much to the four nations surprise.
Looking at England as if he had just killed his puppy, he cried, “How could you do this to me…?”
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEE?
Without giving the shocked Brit time to explain himself, America ran out of the store, crying harder than he had ever cried before.
Before you ask, yes, I’m going to review the later chapters. Because they get even more FUCKING CREEPY and even more full of BULLSHIT.
I’m sorry, but WOW. Good God, for a fanfic written about a bunch of personified countries, I never thought it could get this unrealistic. America is now a whiny bitch, England… England is just FUCKING CREEPY, and the rest aren’t that much better.
If you’re going to write a fanfic like this, at least give it some backstory! Why is Alfred suddenly so overweight?! Why is he a whiny bitch about it? What caused him to become so out of character? Seriously! He just seems out of character, and that isn’t GOOD.